What should you never call a Mason. A jarhead
I got a job at a woodworking shop. Then I quit. Because I got bored out of my mind.
It's been a bad year for me investing. First I bought a match Factory in Indonesia and it went up in smoke. Then I took a bath on a soap manufacturer. Finally the needle factory I had a piece of closed down. There was no business. It was so quiet in there you could hear a pin drop.
What did the famous lawyer put up his preserves in. Perry Mason jar.
My uncle's a real dumb lawyer. He was complaining about losing at a case. I said well go file some briefs. So he took his underwear to a machine shop.
The scientist at the MIT gene-lab were experimenting with nuts. They came up with a new one that has hairs. They call it the mustachio.
Marvel has a new movie out. It stars a fish as a superhero. It's called Caped Cod.
Apparently Al Gore is up to it again. You remember he claimed he invented the internet. Now he's trying to say he invented very bloody movies. And he's got a new band. It's just four drummers. It's called Algorithm.
My cousin is a musician wannabe. He's always trying to horn in at the local orchestra.
My friend has a footwear factory. It's gotten infested with mice. He doesn't know what to do. I said, hey just shoo them away.
Did you hear the air conditioning broke down at the local mens zipper factory. Poor workers were dropping like flies.
What did Casper want to be when he grew up? A ghost writer.
What did the dyslexic dummy think acting was all about? The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd.
Do you know what Shania's estranged daughters said to each other? Never the Twain shall meet.
In the old days computers used core memory. Wow, that must have taken a lot of apples.
I'd never had swiss cheese. But I tried some the other day. It was a really holistic experience.
I got audited by the IRS the other day. Man that was really a taxing experience.
I finally figured out how to good way to cool off in my backyard. All I have to do is get some neighbors together and pool our resources.
My next door neighbor is a cook. I told her I didn't like parsnips. She said well, that's a pretty cutting remark.
My other next door neighbor is a lawyer. He just bought a new car. It's a Subaru.
I had something new to eat today. It's a very interesting dish that I think was invented by resentful Germans. It's called sauerkraut.
There's a wonderful new drug for writers who are creatively blocked. It's called Prozac. And there's even one for comedians. It's called Humira.
Donald Trump's biography is now on the bestseller list. I don't know why it's called Pride and Prejudice.
My friend had a baby girl. She told me to come and visit her at the nursery. I kind of worried about that. Would she be safe out there with a bunch of plants?
There's a new fast-food chain in the Mideast. It's called Russian to get Turkey and Greece.
There's a new motel across town. People keep stopping to try and eat there, but they don't serve food . Why I don't know. Some of its rooms are for people who want to sleep. The others are for people who want to rage about something. It's called Rest or Rant .
What did snow say when rain and sleet arrived at its party? Hail hail, the gang's all here.
The bedding store here had a big sale. To promote it they blanketed the town with leaflets.
What did the narcoleptic lawyer do.? He made his bed. Then he lied in it.
My down in the luck friend keeps losing at board games. I know, he's had a pretty hard scrabble life.
An overweight guy in quality control is making my factory job miserable. I've had it with this Chubby Checker.
My cousin is obsessed with Law and Order. Poor guy, he was born in Crimea.
My friend discovered the remains of a huge ancient boat on the top of a mountain in Turkey. I'm not surprised. After all, is an archaeologist.
Did you know archaeologists uncovered an ancient opium den in Europe ? But it turns out they were wrong. When they excavated it, all they found was was potash .
What did Mama moth tell her kids trying to get inside to the light. Stop it, that's enough screen time.
Why did the fire want see his old girlfriend. He had a thing about his old flame.
What do you call an absence of color? I know, that question is pretty much black and white.
My mother is a botanist. She just discovered a herb that commemorates the founding fathers. It's called Franklin Mint .
You know what happened in the Gilded Age? All the trees sprouted gold and silver leaf.
Donald Trump said he's going to grow a beard for the next election. But I think that's a bald-faced lie.
Franklin Mint just came out with a line of China dedicated to 9/11. They're decorated with survivor's guilt.
The bloom is off the rose. What did you comment after the tornado tore through your garden?
I told the farmer next door his Pigs stunk and they needed a bath. He said nah, that's a bunch of hogwash.
You know every year the traffic on the freeway here gets faster and faster. It's getting pretty crazy. Yesterday I saw a sloe gin fizz pulled over for speeding.
Then I got passed by a donkey dealer. I don't know exactly how fast he was going -- but he was really hauling ass.
Yesterday I bumped my patella pretty badly. It even made my high knee hurt.
Did you hear about those crazy guys in the MIT gene lab. They tried to cross a neutered bull and a sailing ship? All they got was Botox.
Well it's been a pretty tough week in Southern California. You can call it an earthquake swarm of flurry or outbreak, but at any rate there's been so many of them the Richter Scale went sproiing. The quakes make the land move around so much they've been hiring hiring wandering winos as accurate surveyors. They cancel each other out. It's already been been the cause of big business changes. Shake Shack had to close down . I mean why buy one when it's already in your refrigerator. And the library in Richfield California has been besieged by wanna be best selling authors. That's because they heard the reading room there can make books fly off the shelf. But my very short brother is happy. He says the new flooring material in canned good stores makes him feel at least 3in taller.
Yeah, things are tough all over. Did you hear about the Jim Beam Bourbon fire? Yep a small ocean of hooch in Kentucky went up in fumes. There was a moment of silence at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings all over the country. I guess the more the authorities let it burn, the less that got into the river. As it was all the fish were sloshed. I mean the alcohol content was so high the bass became sopranos. Boeing send a fleet of 737 Maxes over the fire because they figured the updraft would help keep the nose of the plane from diving down. And bats came in from Mammoth Cave. I guess the fumes made them so horny and high they were trying to mate with mosquitoes. They're investigating the cause. I suspect Moonshiner arson.
The sports world is in turmoil too. Did you hear about the American women's soccer team. They won the championship but they're still in court arguing about low pay. I don't know, I think they should get paid more than the men. I mean it's called soccer not sock him.
And I guess the trade war's not over either. Trump is threatening new tariffs. He wants to tax everything that's coming in except toupees, hairspray, over long ties and supermodels from the Eastern Europe.
My poor buddy had to have brain surgery. So he went to the hospital and before they put them under they said to him, okay now keep an open mind about all this.
I moved to Southern California and I decided it was appropriate to change my religion. But I'm still in a quandary. I can't decide whether to become a Shaker or a Quaker.
I went to the doctor because I was underweight.
He told me to eat a $100 bill for breakfast, two more for lunch and one for dinner. I have my doubts but he said it was a very rich diet.
One of my pet peeves is confusing names. I mean there's a cemetery in LA named Forest Lawn. Well which is it. And my daughter just got accepted at Lake Forest. So should she bring a boat or a chain saw?
The local building supply store has a very bad reputation. You go in and you have to buy what they offer and you can't return it later. People have started calling it The Home Despot.
Speaking of that, I think Walmart needs a name change. I mean it's really not a prefab housing factory.
A new liquor lounge just opened up at the local nudist colony resort. It's called the Barbarian.
The guy down the street has an orchard. He showed me a bushel of peaches he had just picked. He said he was needed to stone them before canning them. I said, what did they do to deserve that kind of cruel treatment.
I went to see this horror movie but it was too extreme. I had to leave. Frankenstein, Godzilla and Rodan all fell into a blender. It was called Monster Mash.
The other bill on double feature starred Ritchie Valens, Timothy Mcvey and George Metesky. It was entitled La Bamba.
During a recent camping trip I logged onto Match.com and I was very disappointed. Nothing there I could start a fire with.
So I just got back from Korea. There was a restaurant there that said they served soul food. So I ordered something but I had to send it back. It was tough as shoe leather.
Did you hear there's a new Art Fern Tea Time horror movie out. It stars Billy Crystal, Sharon Stone, Ruby Keeler, Rock Hudson, and Legs Diamond. It is set during the Revolutionary War. A group of grey haired infidels are boating at an abandoned granite mine and are wounded by enemy fire . Then every one drowns and goes to heaven in a large truck. It's titled Gory Hoary Tory Dory Quarry Lorry Story.
They've just developed a new product to help a transgender person clean their ears. It's an LGBQ tip.
I dreamt I was in the land of the lilliputians. They believed in free love. A lot of them were running around committing small-omy.
The University's cloning experiment here recently went terribly wrong. They had to break the news that their sheep ended up with an eye tooth.
Did you hear about the new soup chain? They give you a gargantuan serving size of a bucket. It's created a really big stir.
And there's a new sport for the next Olympics. You play baseball for one inning, tennis for one set, football for one quarter and golf for one hole. It's a real game-changer.
So I went to the World's Fair the other day and it was pretty interesting. There's an international restaurant row . Turn the corner and you can walk down a tropical aisle.
I got in a big argument about baseball history. My friends told me the Red Sox traded their home run slugger to the Yankees and that that was pretty dumb. All I said was the Red Sox were ruthless.
Then we got in a dispute about NASCAR. One driver has been on the track for years and never gotten in a pile up and they said that was pretty amazing . All I said was he was reckless.
You probably don't know it but I wear a toupee. The other day it blew off. That was a really hair-raising experience.
I went to The Container Store the other day. Sugar Ray Leonard and put Sonny Liston were there. I guess I did something wrong cuz they tried to corner me. I felt really boxed in.
My buddy the jogger decided to exercise by climbing up and down stairs. But it got out of control. He had to go to enroll in a 12-step program
I had two girl friends. Their names were kind of weird. Cassava and Honeydew. I found them really juicy. But then they decided they were gay and fell in love. They want to run away and get married. But their parents told them, no, you cantaloupe.
Did you hear Nostradamus got scammed. Yep, somebody sold him a seersucker suit.
Did you know that men can actually get breast cancer. Yeah, a good friend of mine had a mastectomy. But nobody knows because he wears double-breasted jackets.
Somebody told me that Wilt the Stilt got a retirement job as a storyteller. I said, no I don't believe that-- that's just a tall tale.
I went to the pearly gates. But they were locked. But good thing I had an umbrella because then I said open sesame and all of a sudden , the heavens opened up.
Did you know that July 4th is the only day of the year when fire actually works .
It spends the rest of the year online, flaming bloggers.
I have to level with you. A carpenter's square is not as good as a surveyor's laser.
I asked the architect and builder of the prune processing plant if they were going to do any other fruits there. He said, no all the lines are plum.
The hands on my grandfather clock couldn't keep time. They kept dropping it. So I stopped the pendulum and greatly improved the accuracy. It's now right twice a day
I just picked up a new book. It's all about candle parts. It's entitled Wikipedia.
There is a new diet product on the market. But instruction on the box is very confusing. It tells you what the results are before it tells you what to do. Slimfast.
I went to see a Bela Lugosi movie. It was terrible, a real horror show.
There was a break-in at the clock factory. They blamed the security guard for being lax. But he said hey it didn't happen on my watch.
But just then a seagull flew by and pooped on his wrist. He looked down and said, oh that just did.
We couldn't find a place to park so my wife said, circle the block. I said how can I do that, it's square.
I flew over the Isthmus of Panama . Boy that was a real sea change.
I was on the way to a far off island where they make beautiful television controllers. It's pretty remote.
What did the fair-haired Communist sunbather say? Better red than dead.
Where did the Communist go on his potty break? Redhead.
Did you know the Mafia is now crawling the hallways in Congress on behalf of the seafood industry? Darn lobsters.
Not to be outdone, the World Wrestling Federation is there too. They're trying to get their way by doing a little arm twisting.
They asked me to help. I said hey there's an easier way, just put your guns on a turntable.
And now the bicycle industry's getting into it too. They have their own influence-peddling group.
Since we're talking about business, I hear Boeing is getting pretty desperate. For quality control they just hired Chubby Checker.
I went to see my doctor the other day. He's on the second floor, I had to take the stairs. The elevator got all uppity on me.
I had a fever so I decided to take my temperature. But the thermometer got stuck. So I went to the doctor. He said, oh I can rectify your situation.
A while ago I had a job as an architect for a skyscraper. The zoning code said it could only be 53 stories high. But I said, what the heck let's take it to the next level.
The river behind me came into my basement. I tried to throw it out but it wouldn't go.
So, I called the police to arrest it for trespassing. They came to investigate. They lit everything up with flood lights. They said, that's nothing, this river had been up to my roof a few years back. This is just a flood light.
The other day I dreamt I was a rainstorm. I was getting very anxious so I went out and bought myself a Thundershirt.
I finally decided to go over to the dark side and become a smuggler. But I got arrested coming through Logan for bringing human hair in from Mexico. They got me on tress passing.
So I hear Lorena Bobbitt's up to her old tricks. Yep she's divorcing her new husband and she just subpoenaed him.
I have a new Oriental friend. He ran for a senate seat but he lost. Wonder if it had to do with his name. Jerry Mandarin.
So he decided to go out on his own. He takes pictures of automobiles and named his business Cartographer.
They keep opening up new shopping centers around me. My military buddy said, you know it's getting to be like it's a Target-rich environment.
The other day I met a guy who looks just like me
He's my doppelganger. Very upsetting. I'm completely beside myself.
I got one of those stupid letters where you're supposed to send things to the last five people on the list. In this case it wasn't money but medieval armor. I don't know. I don't believe in chain mail.
Did you hear about the poor cowboy who died of Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma? They said it was his last Roundup.
Speaking of that I guess there's a tidal wave of litigation about Roundup causing cancer. It's a real tsunami.
The single seamstress down the street is really playing the field. Her neighbors have given her the nickname Runaround Sew.
Did you know they discovered intelligent life on the former planet beyond Neptune. They even have a government. A plutocracy.
I just got satellite TV and boy, are there a lot of channels on there. There's even one for electricians. It's called Cable News Network.
I went to a badminton dude ranch on my vacation. They grow egregious herbs as a sideline. That's a pretty good racket.
I paid a visit to a Vineyard not far from me. They were making wine. I asked them if they had any leftover grape fruitjuice I could sample. They said we don't know what the heck you're talking about, no citrus trees on our land.
What do they have at the entrance of the penal colony. A scrotum pole.
What do you get when you cross a shaggy dog and a daisy. You get cauliflower.
What do you get when you cross a revolutionary war spy with a leafy vegetable? You get Nathan Kale.
So how do I feel? Terrible. But consider the alternative. I can't take credit for that. I mean that's because I'm a progeny of Winston Churchill. My grandparents were a cigarette, a chapel and a small mountain.
So why did I become a stand-up comedian? Because my preparation H treatment failed.
Since I wanted to look the best for my new career, I went to the beauty parlor the other day. But I had to leave because things got ugly.
Then I found out they wouldn't take me as a patient at plastic surgeon's down the street. All I told them was, I wanted to save face.
Meanwhile, I've been having home maintenance issues. The poor guy roofing my house just got disabled. He has the shingles.
So I hired a carpenter but he just quit on the job to go auto race. He said he was going to put the hammer down.
Then there's my poor janitor. He tripped the other day and kicked the bucket.
But that didn't deter me, I just built a new deck on my house. The workmanship seems to floor everyone. I call it Sandy and Miranda's handy veranda.
On a happier food note I just made my first paleo smoothie. It's got sugar, skim milk, cauliflower, and egg white.
I'm also into vintage chocolate. So I won an eBay listing that said antique brownie. When I opened the package, I was very disappointed. It was a Kodak camera.
I can't seem to hold down a regular job. I had to quit my working at the muffler shop. I found it all too exhausting.
A few years ago I got a night job at a scissors factory. It was pretty dark but I loved the work. It was sheer delight.
Then I started work at a local farm planting crops. But the farrowing was pretty harrowing.
So, I got hired as an auto parts salesman. That lasted about a week. They fired me because I kept telling prospects you deserve a brake today.
I went on the Carson Show and I completely bombed. But that's okay, they had me on for comic relief.
Now some real news, Just read the marijuana express got derailed. It must have hit a pothole.
Recently researchers combined the DNA of the Gulliver's Travels author, the African explorer and a shore bird . The result was Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
And there's now a new social networking site for compulsive masticators. Chewy.com.
Did you know new strip clubs are popping up all over the place. One north of the Arctic Circle is called Lap Dance. And another in New Mexico is called Gallup Pole.
And, there's a new Russian nudist colony . It's located on the Bering Straits.
Did you hear the the trade war just ended. They completely dropped the tariff on toothpicks. But there's no trees left in the USA to export. So they were going to shred the Spruce Goose. But the ghost of Howard Hughes put a stop to that. He said don't pick on me, I am pretty long in tooth.
Did you hear about the big excitement at the grocery store today. There was a caine mutiny in the sweetener aisle.
Some bad news, too. Poor Hugh Hefner. I guess Barbi Benton came to him saying she wanted to live in the country. So, he bought the farm.
And. the big new metropolis transplant attempt was an epic fail. All they ended up with was Tale of Two Cities.
I understand the Mafia is trying to broaden their appeal. They have a new mascot, named Tony the Tiger.
Did you know they erected a new way to fly the flag at the Kentucky Derby? Yup, the Gallop pole.
Did you hear about the big ketchup spill at the spectacles factory lunch room the other day. They ended up with lot of Rose Colored Glasses.
Here's the latest deal at the body parts store. They're offering a five finger discount.
There's a report out about what Colonel Sanders kept saying as he had a nervous breakdown. Where's the beef.
I live in a pretty kooky neighborhood. A new art gallery opened up down the street. But they've only got three pieces. A silver trumpet, an Andy Warhol soup can and an automatic clothes ironing machine. They call themselves, Horn & Hardart Less Work for Mother retail shop.
Did I tell you what my neighbor the money manager gave his kid for Christmas? Play-Doh.
So I just went to the new local pot store. But I couldn't find anything ceramic. There were just hashtags all over the place.
My gastronome neighbors came by and were all excited about a new place they found to eat. They told me to go see the New Deli. So I got on a plane and flew to India.
The corn and spice farm down the street from me has a new attraction. They call it the mace maize maze. I went there and I was so amazed they had to mace me .
Since we're on that subject, I have an admission to make. I like to watch movies about maze. It makes me all corny.
I live in a house on a road called Donkey Defect. It's paved with asphalt.
I tried crossing a seagoing invertebrate with red fescue to get a better lawn, but all I got was Crabgrass.
I got arrested for shoplifting at the 7-Eleven. I told the police I was just following the instructions on the package. It said Grab & Go.
I just invented the citrus cocaine sandwich. What's in it? Crack and peel.
One day I decided to cross breed poison sumac with a Chihuahua. Its bark is worse than its bite.
My upscale neighbors live on a cul-de-sac. My downscale neighbors live in a gunny sack.
There is a creature in my woods that can't decide if it's in the plant or animal kingdom. Tree frog.
Then the other day I built a car completely out of forest products. It uses leaf springs. It's got a nice big trunk. The heads have been ported by Jerry Branch. And it's got manual shift, three on the tree.
Since we're on the subject, in a dream I had, trees could talk. So, the hemlock said to the larch, I'm pining away for you. Stop needling me, came back the answer.
Then a few nights ago I dreamed I was a city in Germany. I heard World War II was coming so I went out and got totally bombed .
Here's another dream I had. I went to a veterinarian who was a beagle. He kept wandering around. So I told him, physician heel thyself.
Fun factoid, did you know that when you give your eyeglasses Viagra, you end up with love goggles.
I just invented a new religious aftershave for paupers. I call it Heaven Cent .
I just started my symptom collection the other day. But then I got arrested for taking pains.
If it ever happens, do you know how to make peace in the troubled solar system? You have to shoot the Moon.
I entered a Furniture Derby the other day. I ran the table.
I almost hit a meal, crossing the street the other day. I had to break for lunch.
I heard my poor audiologist has developed a rare metastatic cancer. He's all ears.
So do you know what they call the bathroom at the local omelette shop? Egghead.
After physicist took acid while driving home what did he see? A sign wave .
I went to a dude ranch for business lawyers the other day. It's called Intellectual Property.
I learned something new in biblical geometry class today. Noah's arc.
Do you know why Einstein went to the cosmic tailor. He found a rip in the space-time continuum.
What happened after I gave the local firebug a machete? Slash-and-burn.
What does my defiant hispanic scale always say? No weigh, Jose.
Answer, motorcycle chopper. Question, What's a car crusher kicked down a notch.
What were the coffee break cooking plans at the general relativity convention ? Time to make the donuts.
What was the wrong answer at the spelling bee? Rolaids spells relief.
Did you know who won the paper products road race. A speeding ticket.
I tried to fish on a frozen lake, but it was an epic fail. I couldn't even catch a cold.
Sometime ago I went to a Burger King. After a while I walked out. Because I had a beef with them.
I guess the new movie about The Ten Commandments really bombed. All the critics said it was an epic fail.
What did God warn the angel sprinter. Slow down, you're going to catch Hell.
Did you hear what wrecked the sugar plantation? A Caine Mutiny.
What did King Crimson do after they drank too much coffee? They painted the town red.
How did the banker get so many dollar bills. He raised cash in his backyard.
How did they build a gym. With sweat equity.
How did the collector of street intersections get so many. He took turns.
How did the unraveling sweaters get into college? They pulled strings.
Which way is the vote at the optometrist's convention going? I hear, the eyes have it.
Where can you get a coil spring coolatta? At a torsion bar.
Why was the race between the souffle and the omelette so close. They egged each other on.
Where do retired matadors work. At the bull market.
So I heard that the impatient magazine and soapbox finally agreed on something.Time and Tide wait for no one.
I heard the local animal chorus needed new members. So I told the hummingbirds at my feeder to try out.
The final solution. What do I exclaim when my hummingbird nectar is all ready.
I label my fried potatoes with a hashtag.
So I was walking down the street and I picked up a dime that had tooth marks all over it. After I turned it over, the other side said bitcoin.
I hear there's trouble at the local rest home for equines. Mister Ed had to tell Trigger to stop horsing around.
So they let Mr. Ed go to the Stanley Cup Playoffs But he had to leave early. He went home hoarse.
I guess they were playing rock and roll too loud in the jungle. A Def Leppard complained.
Did you hear what one Firefly said to the other after the sun went down. Gladys Knight.
Did you know how George Washington exhorted his wartime poultry brigade. He told them, chickens, cacciatore.
What did the reluctant omelet tell enthusiastic souffle? Stop egging me on.
What did everyone observe when the aging 19th century queen tripped over her shoelace? Victoria Falls.
Have you noticed a lot of American cars are named after California places. For example, there's the Chevy Malibu, the Pontiac Ventura and the GMC Sierra. I think Trump should sign a presidential order that all American cars should be named that way. For example we could have the Ford Fresno. The Plymouth Pacoima. The Reseda Rambler. The Oldsmobile Oxnard. The Jeep Jacumba.
The gambler found a hole in his trouser pocket. So he had to exclaim , no dice.
What do you get when you cross a musician with a building material. A sand piper.
What song just made the rabbit top 10. At the Hop.
What did the toilet manufacturer entitle their press release? Here's Johnny.
Do you know there is a new fast-food chain that serves only cornmeal. It's called The Mushroom.
My botanist mother would be so proud. I successfully cross bred a banana peel with an orchid. I got a lady slipper.
Then I combined the DNA of a cat and a frog. I ended up with a peeping tom.
I just learned how the IRS signs their audit form letter. Many happy returns.
A little culture for you . Did you hear what happened when Nathaniel Hawthorne decided to raise rodents. He wrote a book called The House of Seven Gerbils.
How did Edgar Allen Poe get even with the movie theatre that fired him. He wrote The Fall of the House of Usher.
What was the first rejected title of The Scarlet Letter. The Red C.
And then there's the strippers who were on break. So they ordered takeout. They chose Naked Lunch.
So a Chippendales opened up down the street from me. Yep bare feet. bare chests, you name it. You have to bring your own food. But nobody complains. Their name says it all: No Shoes No Shirt No Service.
Yes things sure aren't what they used to be. Did you hear the Tin Man has to use a walker now. I guess he went to the podiatrist and got diagnosed with leadfoot.
When he left they give him some hard candy to take home, labeled Tic-tac-toe.
Even the mafia is getting desperate. They are diversifying into tennis equipment. I hear their flagship product is called the Numbers Racket.
And the local motorcycle club called the Owls is in a peck of trouble. They got arrested for hooliganism and their members are now in the hoosegow.
I decided to join Toast Masters to help my public speaking. I tried to organize a debate there about the decline of fishing stocks worldwide. But they told me to stop carping on that subject.
Did you hear about the panicky ice cube. It froze.
I understand they just came up with a ride sharing service for peanuts. Its called Goober.
What did the exhausted English muffin say to its friend, the bruschetta. I'm toast.
The novel and the dictionary were pretty hot to troll. So they booked a hotel room.
I have a friend who's a carpenters nail. Poor guy, he had to join AA because he was always getting hammered.
While he was there he met an aerial banner who had a drug problem of her own. She was always high as a kite.
Their latest patient just came in a big crate in from Africa. He's a rhino wino.
There was a nurse there that was just too attentive, so they complained. The nurse answered, I could care less.
The girls college around here scored some men's beds on an eBay auction. But the student body rebelled. They organized a boy cot boycott.
Did you hear that team of house cleaners won the playoff? Yup, they're going to the Tidy Bowl....
They just discovered a transgender bird in Great Britain. They call it the bearded tit.
So it was on the news wires today that Congress passed a law repealing the tariff on imported trousers from China. It came up at Trump's desk. He let it go to a pocket veto.
I think I have discovered a cure for scurvy. Lyme disease.
The tulips in my yard, they just made me pull out all the crocuses. What could I do, they were green With envy
Godzilla came to Boston the other day and he fell in love with the Green Monster, even though she's flat as a wall.
I just don't get it. Why didn't they put Cleveland's Rock Museum in Boulder, Colorado?
I started a food cart business on Catalina Island. All I sell is hot dogs. It's called Frankie Avalon.
They threw a boulder and a rock out of the local pot store the other day. Both were stoned .
Dentists are up in arms about the latest cause of ruined teeth. They want to ban Bitcoin.
I got some peaches and plums a few days ago. But they went bad almost immediately. Man, that was the real pits.
So I finally decided to do something about that pesky thunderstorm above me. I reigned it in.
Well, Bill Gates finally admitted it . He's had his head in the cloud the whole time.
My father decided I wasn't good enough to be a chip off the old block. So he named me Nick.
Did you hear about the poor Greyhound? Terrible. They retired him from racing, but then they threw him under the bus.
Tempest in a teapot. What happened in the movie entitled Honey I Shrunk the Weather, the Plane, and the Pontiac.
My last name's always been Hymer. But I've gotten so forgetful my friends gave me a new first name. Al.
My mother's sister has gotten so old-fashioned in her old age. Behind her back I've started calling her auntie diluvion.
If you were starving on a deserted island which would you choose -- palm fronds or shoe leather. I know, that's a toughie.
Did you know hooking is legal in Northern Nevada. Man, do they have a lot of rugs up here.
So the cops here finally gave up trying to find my stolen refrigerator. It's now officially a cold case.
Poor Rex Trailer. He used to be a big star in Boston. He even added to his first name Tyrannosaurus to try and restart his career. But now he just follows everyone around.
I got laryngitis and lost my voice the other day. You don't hear me complaining.
The timepiece in the local pot store, it must be broken. It always said 12 o clock high. So they changed the spelling on the dial and put it right by the front door. Now it says 12 o'clock, hi (wave hand)
I heard one of my fellow comedians got arrested the other day for oral sex. They blew the joke.
But I'm worse than that. I've bombed onstage so many times I'm worried that they'll arrest me for domestic terrorism.
You know Amazon has a real big problem. You can't buy a jungle river there.
So my friend the candle got arrested. Why? For burning at both ends. He called to help get him out of jail. But I said, sorry that's not my bailiwick.
They tell me I have chronic fatigue syndrome. You know, I'm always tired of hearing about that.
So I was in my pantry this morning and I discovered someone had stolen all my sardine tins. Huh. That's uncanny.
I had another dream last night too. I was a filet mignon and I kept worrying about being burned at the stake.
So I was hired by a director making a movie about BBQs. But I really screwed up. First I missed a take. Then I made a mistake. And then I was supposed to take meat off the grill and I missed a steak.
I'm really excited. The Container Store is coming to Massachusetts. But they can't decide between Boxford and Boxborough.
I'm very disappointed. Someone told me the Fortune 500 isn't an auto race for venture capitalists.
Boy there's a bunch of hard currency ideologues working at the local coal mine. Instead of a canary, they took a goldfinch down with them.
A friend joined overeaters anonymous. He started a hard rock band there. They call themselves the Heavy Set.
I just got a look at the new car from Google. It's powered by a search engine.
And they're really branching out with search apps targeted at specific markets. For dentists, Gargle. Impaired vision? Try Goggle. Comedians get Giggle. And finally there's Gargoyle for gutter designers.
Boy was Jeff Bezos loquacious at the Amazon annual meeting. He droned on and on and on.
I've got a new friend who's a magician. Poor guy, he has to perform sitting down because he's got a trick knee.
Did you know climate change has made the Earth mentally ill? Yup, it's bipolar.
There's a new problem with a nation's beef supply too. Half the herds are bulimic.
An ambulance was called to the local casino. Turns out a gambler died suddenly. He had a stroke of luck.
Congress is increasingly concerned about the rights of the deaf population. Next week they're holding a hearing.
My niece was born on Christmas Day. So her parents named her Carol.
A pretty girl picked me up at the bar the other day. But then she changed her mind and put me down.
Did you hear on Star Trek they got a new cast member. He doesn't wear the uniform because he prefers loose fitting clothes. They call him Smock.
My neighbor's kid is now in his terrible twos. But she said at least that's better than the onerous ones or the zippy zeroes.
So Under Armour is in a pitched legal battle. Their lawyers are filing a bunch of briefs tomorrow. Let's hope they're bulletproof.
Boy what a bad dream I had last night. Everyone on the planet had only nine fingers and nine toes. What an untenable situation.
The farmer's plum tree was really overgrown and the fruit was all wrinkly. So they decided to prune it back.
I was in court last week and I talked back to the judge, so he said, that's it. I'm holding you in Contempt. I said, never heard of a jail in that town.
So my prairie dog pet decided he was going to run for Congress. He asked his friends about it and they said, hey gopher it.
So I went to give blood but they couldn't get the needle in my arm. They tried in vain.
Did you hear they had to cancel the Alzheimers convention?It seems nobody could think of anything to say.
So I discovered Boris my pet badger likes oriental food. I renamed him Edgar Rice Burroughs.
I also have a pet rabbit. His name is Warren.
The coal company nearby is desperate for help. They're even sending kids down there to work. I dunno, I don't think minor miners is a good idea.
So the pastor decided to preach to his congregation sitting on a horse. Talk about Sermon on the Mount, huh?
But nobody in the church could hear him. So I said, why don't we replace him a loudspeaker.
So my grandfather the typsetter had to have half of his colon removed. His surgeon physician said well at least you have left a semicolon. It could be worse, you could have had a period.
I got pulled over for speeding. The cop said there's going to be a penalty for that. I said fine?
Did you hear about the Union Pacific steam locomotive called Big Boy. Turns out he just got married to a tiny tea kettle. I think somebody got railroaded.
News flash, the sun is accused of murdering the moon. The government is investigating. They just convened a solar panel.
Did you hear about poor old Shoeless Joe Jackson. They threw him a fastball but he really couldn't lace in to it.
My deck needed recoating but I got sick and had to abstain.
Big Trouble in the cemetery last night I heard. A stonewall riot.
My neighbor's a wicked good Billiards player. But they wouldn't let him go swimming at a party down the road. They said no, everyone's afraid of a pool shark.
He told me some pranksters broke into a billiard convention he was attending and stole, as he put it, everything they could find that was round. I said, Wow that's a pretty ballsy move.
Did you hear what happened when they gave programmers too much expresso to drink. They're programming in Java.
What did the celery say to the onion just before it got chopped up. I'm going under the knife.
My neighbor says to use a sieve instead of a colander. I don't know, I don't think that argument holds water.
What did the king say to his executioner? Great job, you are really killing it.
So I guess they're holding a Quaker silent meeting at the nudist colony. How do I know ? Well they have a sign up there that says, no shoes, no shirt , no service.
They just found the bones of a dinosaur that could read. Big debate on what to name it, they finally settled on Thesaurus.
So my neighbor the circus performer said he didn't want his kids going into the business. He was worried they would it would stunt their growth
Did you just know Joe McCarthy was such a rabid anti-communist that he had both pinkies amputated?
I was going by the joggers store and they tried to arrest me for shoplifting on two counts. I told them okay you got me, I was taking a walk. But, I am way too weak to raise your building.
So what is it with the verb take. You don't take time, you use it up . You don't take a walk. You do one. You don't take pains, you are giving yourself pains to do something. And above all, you don't take a bleep in the bathroom, you leave one.
What's this with musicians named after their weight and a board game? I mean there's Fats Domino and Chubby Checker, Who's next? Porky Parcheesi? Scrawny Scrabble?
They just crossed the DNA of a beer glass and a hot dog. What do they end up with? Frankenstein.
So there's a new movie out on the Art Fern Tea Time movie channel. It's entitled Slow Lane on the Freeway. The score is by REO Speedwagon. It stars Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, Henry Ford, Ferdinand DeSoto, and Graham Nash.
A countrywide drive up dairy chain just had its IPO on Wall Street. It's called, Carnation Milk
And, Hood came out with a dairy beverage that's got black spots in it. It's called Dalmatian milk.
I recently got a side job at the Anderson Window Factory. I got fired for theft but I was just following orders. When I started work they told me to take pains.
I discovered I'm going deaf. So I warned my neighbor who likes to grouse at me. She said you don't hear me complaining.
Then the post office told me they lost a magazine I ordered. I said that is not an issue for me.
The local beauty parlor called my wife and said you simply got to come in. We have a perm that will take you to a whole new level. But she wondered if that would be too hair raising an experience.
And I think my marriage is having a major breakdown. We may have to break up.
I took Caprice, my pet caterpillar, to the vet. Turns out, he has cancer. The only thing they could do is start amputating limbs. Poor guy, he's down to his last legs.
My auto shop called me and said you know your truck has four flats. You're going to have to have your wheels retired.
But here is some good news for a change. The police have developed a new tool to help them analyze auto accidents. It's called a kaleidoscope.
