Fruit fly armageddon.

Okay, so the lingering pestilence around here finally came to a head yesterday.

I looked up from my desert of listeria laced melon, insecticide infected strawberries and Red Sox humble pie, listening to replay after replay of Tito quitting, and…

… grey smoke was hovering over the compost bucket in the sink. (I try heed mama’s words and recycle old fruit etc. into soil- my lot is mostly bedrock).

As I peered through the smoke and into the bucket, it also seemed that all the stuff was covered in dark brown mold. Hmm interesting.

Then I put my glasses. Oh. The smoke and the mold were about one trillion fruit flies. Each.

Okay, thanks to the largesse of the local orchardists I am blessed with more-or-less free fruit drops. And natch, free fruit flies.

I decided to gingerly transport this bustling hub of insect-dom outside where it belonged.

Very bad mistake.

I now had two trillion fruit flies buzzing in my face. Thank God I am not a fruit head - altho some of my friends call me that. If so, I would have had to add myself to my collection of shrunken heads from the jungles of Borneo.

Now there is nothing harder to catch than fruit flies. The are the hummingbirds of the insect world. They make mosquitos look like slugs. They must be made of neutrinos, because in my kitchen they were now exceeding the speed of light.

I tried the Dustbuster and then the Miehle and then the Bob Vila shop vac to suck em up. Zilch.

I tired the audio test tone on the EMI subwoofer turned up to the plaster-crack-glass-shatter level -- to stun them into submission. Nada.

I tried to drug then into stupor with a hemp bonfire in my living room. Nope. But somehow it now seemed like I could deal with the problem manyana. Gee how did that come about?

So…this morning I can finally report I am making headway. I now have about 55 gallons of fruit fly sludge. At the bottom of a big soapy vat of diluted vinegar. Guess I will try and bottle it for my ex..

And so that is how it is around here today…