Saturday, June 30, 2012

What Letterman's Top Ten overlooked last night...


Spiderman suffers from Arachnophobia

Goofy is developmentally delayed

Mr. Magoo cheated on his driver’s license test

Gladstone Gander wears a toupee

Donald Duck is going to a speech therapist and anger manager

Rocky takes ginger for motion sickness

Black Pete once  failed to make it as a Werewolfe

Batman has tinnitus

Rat Fink daylights as a kindergarten crossing guard

(drum roll)

Bugs Bunny is now in assisted living due to Hypervitaminosis A

A dummy weighs in on Obamacare


Okay so I heard some judge somewhere has just ruled that Obamacare is not unconstitutional. Because it is a tax.

And of course Congress has the right to tax. Anything and anybody. Including doing nothing at all. Including existing. I guess a tax on the miniscule warp in space time around one’s body mass will be next down the pike..

But gee -- I also heard there is a law called the Anti-Injunction Act. It prohibits a tax increase from being disputed legally until the tax is actually levied. I mean -- duh -- that would be like asking for an audit on next years next income tax. Or an abatement on your real estate tax in, say 2024.

And because the “individual mandate” of Obamacare doesn’t kick in until 2014, no one has actually paid the penalty yet.

So the only way this judge could take this case was if the question was not about any tax. If the penalty was a penalty. And stayed that way.

But niewww... then he rules the penalty is a tax. But it hasn’t been paid by anyone. And remember this "tax" (formerly penalty) cannot be disputed. Which means he can not rule on it yet.

Um this vaguely sounds like a dog chasing his tail. Or sawing off the tree limb you are sitting on. I think they call it a circular argument.

Of course I am not surprised that some lowly hack district Federal judge would come out with such a preposterous tortured piece of illogic and garbage jurisprudence.

Surely saner heads will prevail.

This whole mess will get appealed all the way to the Supreme Court ….

and THEY will get it right. Sure.

Just like they ruled the Bill of Rights applies to corporations.

He came up short

Why did Katie Holmes file for divorce?

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Anne Curry

Who is apparently going back to spicy Far East cuisine?

Marooned!

What'd you say when you were shipwrecked with bottle of burgundy and a bolt of funeral bunting?

The London Whale

What swamped Jamie Dimon's' dingy?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Top ten reasons to be cell phone adverse


10. Walking’s better exercise than calling a tow truck
9. Your mother-in-law has you on speed dial
8. EMP from a terrorist nuke could happen at any time now
7. Using semaphores helps build your upper body
6. Texting is more fun using alphabet soup
5. Mental telepathy does not drop calls
4. At least your hottie can’t dump you via SMS
3. Your parole office can’t track you
2. QR codes are soo mysterious. Why spoil that? and
(drum roll)
1. Smoke signaling is very retro kool.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fast and Furious

At what speed do guns walk ?

Contempt of Congress

Given the recent 17% approval rating by the public, what are most of us guilty of -- along with Eric Holder?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Bank of brinkruptcy

What did the dyslexic say was his perilous financial situation?

Dunkin Dounts

What is the breakfast of basketball stars?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The drug companies say, “What took you so long?”

Okay so the news media is rife with reports over the weekend that (gasp) our kids are snorting ground up  attention deficit drugs to score better on college placement tests. I mean I guess these new pharmaceutical marvels give you laser like focus, boundless mental energy -- and the ability to expound at length on any obtuse arcane obscure subject the test might have conjured up. Of course you do have to remember to turn the page in the exam book on your own. A twenty thousand word answer written on one page is kinda tough on the examiners' eyeballs.

But whatever --  I say kudos to this generation. I mean we used to abuse substances to just generally mess up minds, ruin our futures, screw with our parents’ heads and set new standards for low productivity.

But now you get high to achieve better grades and get into the Mathematics Institute or Law School of your choice. How cool is that.

And of course the drug companies are saying to themselves, “Hey kids it's about time . I mean we named the drugs for suggested abuses – you know…

Adder-all and Writ-alin… “

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Timothy Geithner

Who's the token Vulcan in the Obama Administration?

Jamie Dimon

What gem has kinda lost its luster?

Nokia

What'd you say when they stole your Korean car?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Thank you Al Gore...


Don’t worry about that bump you felt last night. It wasn’t a fault slipping or a Slauson getting cut off. Turns out the inventor of the internet – you know, Al Gore – was back hard at work. I guess his Powerpoint Therapy wasn’t enough to deal with the theft of his Presidency by Dubya and the US Supreme Court.

Al, I take it, has been was worried the internet was running out of addresses. Even though it had more than Heidi’s Fleiss’s little black book. I mean, that is like Zeus running out of sand grains for Zuma Beach.

But -- it seems like 4.3 billion of ‘em wasn’t enough.

So Al did a great job of channeling that other mad scientist inventor named Al – you know, Al Einstein   – and came up with a new number. Hold onto your hats  -- it’s now 340 undecillion . That’s 340 trillion trillion trillion. Pretty big number. I mean the only thing bigger is the value of Facebook on the stock market. Oh excuse me – that was 20 minutes ago. Not now.

Any way - so now every quark in the universe can have its own individual account on Facebook.

And its gonna need them all to make its earnings next quarter.

200 day moving average

What was the result of the slow-down strike at Allied Van Lines?

Lake Pontchartrain

Where do railroad cars go to get ready for their title fight?

Little Zeus Coupe

What's the favorite car in God's garage?

Monday, June 4, 2012

Thingama-jig

What's the latest gearhead dance craze -- and Obama's economic recovery strategy?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Dr. Pepper

Name a 16 ounce soda and the owner of the obesity clinic it will put you in.