A: Eggs Benedict

Q: What just mysteriously disappeared from Vatican menus?

You know it is time to quit removing snow by hand when

1. The Snowblower Manufacturer’s Association puts out a contract on you

2. The Calories Burned app on your Iwatch goes “ sproiiingg!”

3. The Higgs Boson takes pity on your misery and ends the universe early to shorten it.

4.  You buy out Walmart’s entire North American supply of capsacin patches.

5. You get nominated to the Prairie Dog Hall of Fame.

6. You change your name to Edgar Rice Burroughs.

7. You have pet names for each of your six snow shovels. And… (Drum roll)….

8. Your Cat Scan gets mistaken for Methuselah’s

A: Lululemon

Q: Who apparently now competes with Frederick's of Hollywood?

A: Ham Berger

Q: Who did Perry Mason almost always have for lunch?

A: Franken Storm

Q: What's the new Art Fern Teatime disaster flick starring:

Sandy Koufax
Sandy Duncan
Gale Storm
Curt Flood
Nathan Hale
Claude Rains
Jorge Mistral
Toto ...and
Olympia Snow

A: Oh, Global warming

Q: What'd you say when your mercator projection fell into the fireplace?

A: Carnival Cruise

Q: Recently, what is actually neither?

A: Dreamliner batteries

Q: What's got the shoe bomber green with envy?

A: Continuing Resolution

Q: What does Congress actually lack?

A: Hamboni

Q: What makes ice rinks the color of split pea soup?

A: Zamboni

Q: What do you ride in when you need to chill out?

A: The Dog Particle

Q: What rules the canine universe?

A: Nuthatch

Q: What song bird is rumored to lay cashews and pistachios?

A: Hail Mary pass

Q: What goes on at dating bars near closing time?

A: Death Cab for Cutie

Q: Describe the sad end of Eddie Cochran.

A: Unified Field Theory

Q: What falsely predicted that Fenway Park and Yankee Stadium would merge?

A: Sweetwater Rain

Q: What fell after the tornado tore through the stevia warehouse?

A: Charm offenisve

Q: What's the latest oxymoron to come out of Washington?

A: Scarlett Johansson

Q: Who should have played the lead in Red Widow?

A: Rhinovirus

Q: What disease jumped from odd-toed ungulates to man?

A: Puck Dynasty

Q: What's the new cable show about the hicks who make hockey sticks?

A: Slow N Quiet

Q: What's the new car show pitched at the senior set?