1. The Snowblower Manufacturer’s Association puts out a contract on you
2. The Calories Burned app on your Iwatch goes “ sproiiingg!”
3. The Higgs Boson takes pity on your misery and ends the universe early to shorten it.
4. You buy out Walmart’s entire North American supply of capsacin patches.
5. You get nominated to the Prairie Dog Hall of Fame.
6. You change your name to Edgar Rice Burroughs.
7. You have pet names for each of your six snow shovels. And… (Drum roll)….
8. Your Cat Scan gets mistaken for Methuselah’s
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