Top ten reasons you should abandon your home

(Bonus) -- Your neighbor's raising giant wild boars And feeding them with coffee grounds

(Bonus) -- The fuzz on that gouda has taken over your attic

10 -- That creeping sinkhole in your backyard just won’t quit

9 -- Local doppler radar shows a hook echo barreling down your street

8 --You just acquired a case of shingles. And not the kind you roof with

7 -- Miley Cyrus wants to move in. Sans wardrobe . But with her entourage.

6 --Your name is  Bashar al-Assad. And cruise missiles are incoming

5 --You ratted out Whitey -- and he found it on Zillow

4 --You built over an Indian burial ground. And the natives are getting restless

3 -- Your name is Erin Hernandez and you're getting hang-up calls

2--Google Earth shows a giant crosshair mowed into your front lawn

and (drum roll please)

1 --You live in a California forest. And smell smoke.

0  -- It was designed and built by a grad of Donald Trump U.

A: Husky and Starch

Q: What was the dyslexic's fave TV show?

A: Pay Pen Pal

Q: Who wrote to Aaron Hernandez?

A: Sin-ergies

Q: Why'd the brothel and the divorce law firm merge?

A:Snow-den

Q: Where in Siberia should the Russians banish the NSA leaker?

A: Tailor Swift

Q: Who can make a you a custom tux in two days?

Shingles diary

Day 1 – Get the shingles

Day 1.00001  – Determine they really kinda suck. Decide to try and return same to Home Depot. Liberal policy there, you know. Drive to store. Try to avoid potholes on the way. Can literally feel a pea under 25 mattresses.

Day 3  –  Arrive at HD return counter. Takes that long to stagger in from parking lot. Sorry, they no can do. Have to draw the line somewhere, I guess

Day 3.5 Arrive home. Thorax is doing excellent impersonation of the heavily napalmed Vietnam war Demilitarized Zone.

Day 4 – After diligent internet search, order 2500 cases of Dr. Numb.

Day 5  –  They arrive Fedex overnight

Day 6  –  Run out of  Dr. Numb and urgently re-order.

Day 7  –  Dimly. dawning realization of what “post herpetic neuraligia” means.It does NOT mean picnic.

Day 8  –  Scour neighborhood dumpsters for  left over expired prescription painkillers

Day 9  –  Make note to self :  never ever get a tattoo

Day 10   –  Ow. Ouch. Ow. Ouch

Day 11  –  Ow ow. Ouch ouch. Ow ow.

Day 12  –  Ow ow ow . Ouch Ouch Ouch

Day 13  –  %$#@*&%^$#@

Day 14  – WTF?

Day 15  –  Discover if I hang like a bat, some sleep is possible

Day 16  –  Torso feels like a convention of fire ants is roaming around inside

Day  17 –  Awake to today's featured presentation: Portuguese Man of War Sting ..times ten

Day 18  –  Determine that suicide is preferable to this …click…bang…

Day 18.0001  –  Goodbye cruel worl…..…..