Steam & Steel

I was born - Age of steam and steel
When Northerns had - Four pair driving wheels
And they ran -  Sweet Kentucky coal
Shovel hard - Faster you would roll
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Flew left seat -Connie Super G
Yup, PIC – Back in ' 53
With four recips- She’d fly good on three
High and safe -  Over angry seas
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Motorcy-Cle I called Black Bart
Built it up -- Vin and Indian parts
Monster mill - Real hard to kick start
Not for weak - Nor the faint of heart
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And so now - A new century
But I like the - Way things used to be
People read - Real magazines
Rockets fueled - By Hydrazine
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No paddle shifts -Just three on the tree
No cell nor text - Just dial rotary
Took pics on film - That you would buy
No Photoshop - To make them all lie.



REFRAIN

Welcome to anthem of ancient gears
Lots of years, blood, sweat and tears
Cos the faster you go
The more time does slow
Hey, Einstein said so

Dating disasters, flirting fiascoes, hook-up horror stories.

Believe it or not. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.

1. Our first tete a tete, dinner. My treat. She asked me to meet her outside, so we could go in together. Like some kind of grand entrance by Russian royalty, I guess. Well she WAS from Siberia. So, okay... But -- thing was… it was a frigid January evening. I am talking wind chills straight from the Planet Pluto. The dark side, mind you. And she was 80 minutes late…. Frostbite was right on time, though.


2. We had a nice lunch (at least I thought) and some friendly chatty ee-males. I made an innocent joke about our Prez. She wrote back calling me a despicable bigoted racist. At a Press Roast the very next night, the very same man (Mr. Prez) made the very same joke. About himself. No, I did not sue him for plagiarism. No, she did not get a second date.


3. She was coming nearby to get “some ink.” Could we have out first meet-up then. Okay, cool I thought. She is an artist or calligrapher who needs supplies. I like artists. Then I find out the place is a tattoo parlor. And she is getting one. That’s what she meant by ink. Sooo… she will see me -- for the first time -- fresh from a lengthy session of ritualistic butch biker torture -- raw, bleeding and sore. Eiuww. How fetching. But hey I am nice guy. I joke that I will bring pain killers. She says she will call me when she is almost done. She never does. Gee -- wonder why I did not feel disappointed?


4. I wish I had a Ben Franklin for the number of times I have ignorantly and incorrectly been called “odd”. No pejorative implied. Well at least by me. Because “ignorant” merely means lacking knowledge. The female epithet hurlers in these cases were bereft of data about my financial state. In which I could easily smoke cigars rolled from aforesaid currency for years on end. With little untoward effect. In view of the foregoing, the correct term is not “odd”, but of course…eccentric.


5. It was the sad dream of too many homely high schools to be oh-so popular in their class. In the 21st century internet dating version of this, some women have never grown up. They collect phone numbers like some kind of Merit Badge / Bedpost Notch of Popularity. Never meaning to really call the other end in the slightest, of course. Their pathetic looser logic goes like this. If the guy sends me his number he is really interested , and I am popular! Of course I am happy to oblige. They never find out the number I gave was a VOIP throwaway. Linked to a burner cell. Residing in the bottom of a Walmart dumpster. In Tuvalu. On the dark side of Planet Pluto.

A: Destination Unknown by Missing Persons

Q: What new-wave 80s rock hit is NOT likely to be played on a Carnival Cruise?

A: Dracut, Mass

Q :Where do male ducks get their hair done?

This just in ...from the Kentucky Derby

Bad news: Rosie do not win, place or show.

Good news: She got a great mud facial.

Song -- China Clipper

(For you I wrote this song
It took me all night long
Hope you won’t think it wrong
For me so forward be)

So what’s this all about
Oh I don’t need to shout
It’s just -- you’re pure lights out
As even blind eyes can see

You got me so enthralled
I’m walkin’ into walls
You’re like Niagara Falls
For  newlyweds to be

So please come wreck my train
Please drive me half insane
I sure will not complain
If there’s a you and me

‘Cos when you’re on mind
It’s like, there’s no stop signs
It‘s just like flying blind
Over vast China sea

In ancient Martin plane
Four giant engines main
Through storm clouds, winds and rain
Could be the end of me

 I dream you’re up on stage
And quite the current rage
It’s the Victorian Age
Your petticoat I can see

You’re one heck of a muse
You make my screws come loose
I’m giddy as a goose
And pining like a tree

I try hard as I can
I got a million plans
Grains of Sahara sands
To get you addicted to me

I wonder years from now
If you’ll recall this show
Oh - did stage lights just blow?
Well, I did hit upper C…

This was my very best shot
I gave it all I got
You love me now? -- or what?
Sure hope that it might be

REFRAIN

So in all our lifetimes
How we do wish for sunshine
But if you’re a tornado
Then, with smile I’ll go

And when your storm clears
You’ll see me way up there
A rainbow will follow
Where ever I will go.

Top Twelve Dating Site Photo Turn Offs

12.    You in some tasteless tacky foreign tourist trap.

11.    You kissing your dog. Yick.

10.    You posing on a motorcycle you neither ride nor own

9.      You with a green highlight surround. (So desperate you pay extra, uh?)

8.      You as a Roswell survivor (Luv that weird car-cam alien look?)

7.       You engaged in ozone depleting, global-warming travel.

6.      You kissing your dog on the mouth. Double yick.

5.       You showing kleevege (I am not into stampedes)

4.       Your greasy facial highlights (Powder – an amazing invention)

3.       You out of focus (Oh, how competent.)

2.      You drinking a Mai Tia the size of Jupiter.  (Oh, AAA hookie day?) and …

1.      You and your dog.  One  of you showing tongue. Triple yick.