Monday, April 27, 2020
Here's Johnny…
As you can see, we've taken our set out on the road. We're broadcasting from breezy and dusty.Outer Mongolia -- where self-isolation is a major export.
(Audience: so how deserted is it Johnny?)
I am glad you asked. It is so extreme that that the official population density is point 005 humans per square mile. That's somewhere between a fart and a big toenail clipping. They had a staff of one to do the annual census. But she died from loneliness. The stock market traded a share the other day. First time in five years. Sandstorms and tumbleweeds outnumber humans by twenty to one.
But things are pretty busy here. The local sheriff's department is on a tear. Yesterday they arrested a sheep herd, a beehive and an ant farm for failure to socially distance. Then today it was announced that the Lone Ranger and Tonto are making a reappearance. They've been hired as spokes maskers.
But I have an admission to make. I'm actually in heaven and I'm just channeling Outer Mongolia. That's because it's not very interesting here in side the Gates -- Pearly. Bill or whathaveyou. All the angels are running around antibody positive and saying, neener neener we got the virus and we can't get it again. It's pretty safe in Outer Mongolia. With so few humans you can't catch a cold or a virus. You can't even catch a taxi or hell if you are bad. It is pretty much crime, lime and grime free.
The food supply here is pretty sketchy. It's mostly Yak butter and glacial runoff. But I guess that beats what Americans are eating these days. I hear that instacart and Amazon are doing a big business in growlux bulbs and Tide with bleach alternative pods. They say that's a good way to cure Coronavirus . People are popping them like Tic Tacs.
There's no debate here about opening the country here either. What can you open that you never heard of? I mean, the capital, Ulan Bator is running neck and neck with Burkina Faso in the worldwide weird place names derby.
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Stand up comedy part two
What do Eastern Europeans store their money in? Pole vault.
What's the difference between real and fake sandpaper. True grit.
What did the quadriplegic say when he couldn't answer your question. I really don't know. I'm stumped.
Pepperoni. What do you get when you cross a spice with a pasta.
A: orange Julius Q:what happened when Caesar over did the tanning lotion
Musical chairs. What did you sit on at the band concert.
Musical chairs. What did you sit on at the band concert.
Valve seats. What do they have in the waiting room of the plumbing supply house?
What do an elephant and an elm store their belongings in. A trunk.
Flatten the curve. What's another name for breast reduction surgery .
I was in my airplane. The tower radioed to me that I could take off. So I parked the plane, went to the store and stole some bug spray.
Hopscotch. What do they call the new liqueur made from beer.
A load of bull. What do you haul to the stockyard in a semi.
Semi. What did the counterfeiter haul his fake half dollars around in.
He got hammered. What happened to the alcoholic nail when it went into a bar.
Father Time got into a fist fight. It didn't go well. He really got clocked.
What happened to the scared skillet. It got panicky.
They just invented a new month. But it's very short. The last day is the twelfth of Never.
I went to the town green for a stroll. But they had a sign there that said no parking. So I went home.
What did the projection and the protuberance do last Sunday. They went on an outing.
Cold Storage. What happened when Ole Man Winter moved into your spare closet.
Jailbait. What did the adult penitentiary think of when he looked at the cute teenaged house of correction?
Flatten the curve. What did the epidemiologist learn in geometry class.
What did the aging pin up girl say when she looked down at her chest. Flatten the curve.
Zoom video. What is TV really speeded up?
Remote learning. What what goes on in the school at Tierra del Fuego.
Quail Run. What's the name of the local bird marathon.
Warren Buffett. What happened around lunch time at the Rabbit Hotel
Loaf tea aspirations. What did the lazy beverage have.
Loaf tea aspirations. What did the lazy beverage have.
Pinnacle. What's another name for the top of Needle Mountain.
Forbearance. What did the mama who gave birth to quadruplet cubs have.
Rouge and Tripoli. Name two Polish cities.
Polish polish. What's the last step at the Warsaw car wash.
Hellmann's. What does the devil put on his sliced turkey sandwich.
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