er..ah..adventurous librarian, maybe?
Now I ain’t a rapper no doubt about that
No cruise pimped out lowride no wear backwards hat
All my tats are in fanzines and my biceps big guns
And I know how do a lot more than dry runs
‘Cos in all this Match noise gotta get your attention
If I’m just a nice guy I won’t even get mentioned
I’ll bust out my brain and play hurdy gurdy
For a fine foxe with pulse who’s the far side of thirty
There must be someone out there in the land of TV
That’s not so afflicted with cee-fids or ADHD
Lady Gaga she’s taken and so is Rhianna
Need fresh new wild talent as my second banana
Bulimic dyslexic is what I seek in a mate
And technical German -- can you please translate?
I eat roast tom turkey with all of the fixings
And super-hot tantric-trained video vixens
Who’ll water my gate just like Richard M. Nixon
(Hey that last rhyme’s an extra, got a double caboose)
(Yes, royalties paid fully to the late Dr. Suess)
I’m easy to please, I think you’ll find, toots
Got no problem at all with fake chests or dyed roots
Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is the lake off my porch
My maid’s named Morticia, my butler is Lurch
I pillage, I plunder, I bilk and I loot
I Chippendale dance wearing just cowboy boots
I eat franken food, empty calories, trans fats
To disguise my chrome dome I doff ten gallon hats
Lost my hair and my mind, lost my marbles, my car keys
I think hugging trees is a bunch of malarkey
I break all the blue laws, stiff clients, trample orchids
I hate dogs, break dates and am allergic to most kids
I hate sleazy lawyers and lying politicians
Plus sweet breads, fried liver and da missionary position
Low self esteem, credit score and emotional IQ
My bad requisites will make your brain barbeque
My favorite role models? Howard Hughes, Scrooge McDuck
And still love old girlfriends Betty Boop, Clara Cluck
If I were a duck then I’d be a merganser
If you are my babe you’ll be good at pole dancing
I prefer the name devil, over mephistopheles
For a truly bad girl I’ll go great lengths to please
Okay full disclosure – divorce decree’s final
And all my old records are made out of vinyl
My age is two decades past one hundred years
And when I’m upset, expect crocodile tears
Let me dig your stilettos, red lipstick, mascara
Like airplane nose art from the Art Deco era
Hey, hop on my sled and we’ll go out bar hopping
But know it’s a rare bird, not merely a Harley
There’s no kicker on it, just starts with a button
But still manual trans, at least better than nothing
This “plane’ need a very long runway of tarmac
But once it starts flyin’ you’ll get such a pay back
Bad's the new good and haughty is naughty
Trashy’s so rude on your heavenly body
I can say with conviction and even some pathos
I even dig ladies from the island of Lesbos
If you want a white “knight” tell el sol not to sunset
But check out my bytes for a hint of what you’ll get
Safe and secure is for what we‘re all looking
Hey leave me alone, in the kitchen, I’m cooking
Now if you’re totally repelled by this here untuneful ditty
Never fear, ‘cos its mere repartee that’s maybe, hopefully, witty
It’s no more serious than the Fed’s Ben Bernanke
But hey pass it up if you wanna really be cranky
If ya think this ain’t put-on and I’m really not jokin
Gotta bridge wanna sell you in da boro of Brooklyn
And if you still think that I’m telling the truth
Please know I can’t tell hip-hop from George Herman Ruth
By the way I hate rap, no kidding, I’m real serious
And movies with drift cars – think The Fast and The Furious
Now all kidding aside, and be that as it may
I write tons of words but have nothing to say
I hope you’ll acknowledge as linguist I’m cunning
Plus I wear SPF ninety nine when I’m sunning
Wo -- the lengths I will go to, to find the right female
Hey maybe just one will be brave enough to email...
(rev 2 – typo fix, spell check, tie straighten, wall eyes uncrossed
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