What did one waffle say to the other? I don't want to live off the grid

A: Umami
Q: Who married Udaddy?

A: Colon cancer
Q: What killed the typographer?

A: Suet
Q: What's the lawyer feed his birds?

A: Flatten the curve
Q: What does a minimizer bra do?

Here's Johnny…

As you can see, we've taken our set out on the road. We're broadcasting from breezy and dusty.Outer Mongolia -- where self-isolation is a major export.

(Audience: so how deserted is it Johnny?)

I  am glad you asked. It is so extreme that that  the official population density is  point 005 humans per square mile. That's somewhere between a fart and a big toenail clipping. They had a staff of one to do the annual census. But she died from loneliness. The stock market traded a share the other day. First time in five  years. Sandstorms and tumbleweeds outnumber humans by twenty to one.

But things are pretty busy here. The local sheriff's department is on a tear. Yesterday they arrested a sheep herd, a beehive and an ant farm for failure to socially distance. Then today it was announced that the Lone Ranger and Tonto are making a reappearance. They've been hired as spokes maskers.

But I have an admission to make. I'm actually in heaven and I'm just channeling Outer Mongolia. That's because it's not very interesting here in side the Gates -- Pearly. Bill or whathaveyou. All the angels are running around antibody positive and saying, neener neener we got the virus and we can't get it again. It's pretty safe in Outer Mongolia. With so few humans you can't catch a cold or a virus. You can't even catch a taxi or hell if you are bad. It is pretty much crime, lime and grime free.

The food supply here is pretty sketchy. It's mostly Yak butter and glacial runoff.  But I guess that beats  what Americans are eating these days.  I hear that instacart and Amazon are doing a big business in growlux bulbs and Tide with bleach alternative pods. They say that's a good way to cure Coronavirus . People are popping them like Tic Tacs.

There's no debate here about opening the country here either. What can you open that you never heard of? I mean, the capital, Ulan Bator is running neck and neck with Burkina Faso in the worldwide weird place names derby.

Stand up comedy part two

What do Eastern Europeans store their money in? Pole vault.

What's the difference between real and fake sandpaper. True grit. 

What did the quadriplegic say when he couldn't answer your question. I really don't know. I'm stumped.

Pepperoni. What do you get when you cross a spice with a pasta. 

A: orange Julius Q:what happened when Caesar over did the tanning lotion

Musical chairs. What did you sit on at the band concert. 

Valve seats.  What do they have in the waiting room of the plumbing supply house?

What do an elephant and an elm store their belongings in. A trunk.

Flatten the curve. What's another name for breast reduction surgery .

I was in my airplane.  The tower radioed to me that I could take off.  So I parked the plane, went to the store and stole some bug spray.

Hopscotch. What do they call the new liqueur made from  beer. 

A load of bull. What do you haul  to the stockyard in a semi.

Semi.  What did the counterfeiter haul his fake half dollars around in.

He got hammered. What happened to the alcoholic nail when it went into a bar. 

Father Time got into a fist fight. It didn't go well. He really got clocked. 

What happened to the scared skillet. It got panicky. 

They just invented a new month. But it's very short. The last day is the twelfth of Never. 

I went to the town green for a stroll.  But they had a sign there that said no parking. So I went home. 

What did the projection and the protuberance do last Sunday. They went on an outing.

Cold Storage. What happened when Ole Man Winter moved into your spare closet. 

Jailbait.  What did the adult penitentiary think of when he looked at the cute teenaged house of correction? 

Flatten the curve. What did the epidemiologist learn in geometry class.

What did the aging pin up girl say when she looked down at her chest. Flatten the curve.

Zoom video. What is TV really speeded up? 

Remote learning.  What what goes on in  the school at Tierra del Fuego. 

Quail Run.  What's the name of the local bird marathon. 

Warren Buffett. What happened around lunch time at the Rabbit Hotel

Loaf tea aspirations. What did the lazy beverage have.

Pinnacle. What's another name for the top of Needle Mountain.

Forbearance. What did the mama who gave birth to quadruplet cubs have.

Rouge and Tripoli. Name two Polish cities.

Polish polish. What's the last step at the Warsaw car wash.

Hellmann's. What does the devil put on his sliced turkey sandwich.

Corona virus A and Q

Coronavirus. What infected the sun along with everyone else.

Pandemic. What happened when the virus tore through the cookware factory?

Toilet paper, hand sanitizer and Smithfield ham. What's on the virus hoarder's Christmas list.

Shelter in place. What's the 21st century version of Duck and Cover.

Social distancing. Why is there a shortage of tape measures at Home Depot.

Graham Nash. What's a country singer or two classic automobiles.

Carpool. What's the quick way to sanitize your Rambler Metropolitan.

Toilet paper hoarding. What happened just. before the Montezuma Revenge pandemic hit.

Splish Splash by Bobby Darin. What's the new national anthem.

Drive-thru Scrub-A-Dub with the top down. What did the Dummy think was a good way to sanitize his hands.

Polio. What did the Dummy think was a game played with horses and long mallets.

Haz mat suits. What's the new hot selling item at Gentlemen's Warehouse.

A mask, a gown and a ventilator. What did you wear to the masquerade ball to benefit COPD.

Climate-change catastrophe. What's going to make a global pandemic look like a picnic in the park.

The US dollar. What's wooden nickel kicked up a notch.

Hand sanitizer warehouse. What is the new Fort Knox.

The Wuhan Wet Market. What did Poland Springs decide not to change their name to

Stimulus package. What did the pervert hustle home from the porn shop.

Airbag. What's a party balloon kicked up a notch.

Quantitative easing. What Ben Bernanke say as  he  loosened his belt buckle after a big meal.

You are a real cut up. What did the scissors say to the comical tin snips.

Fiat currency. How did you pay for your new little Italian car.

Shop til you drop. What are Instacart employees worried about.

Six feet under. What is the final version of social distancing?