Shark Tank idea (revised

 Shark Tank idea (revised)

(Theme music)

(VO:

Next in the Tank is a situation that the Sharks have never seem before in the history of the show.

(One cloaked large object on stage center)

Entrepreneur: 

Good evening, sharks.

The first thing I'm not going to tell you is my name and where I'm from. Because I don't want to take the spotlight away from you. You know there's a lot of talk these days about the separation between the rich and the average on this planet. Between the billionaires and the average Joe. All of you are doing your best to help that. I salute you and applaud you.

(Entrepreneur salutes and claps)

The second thing I'm not going to tell you is my "ask " for this situation. That is because it has come into being only here and now, before you. 

Dear honorable sharks, the next thing I can't tell you is sales. That's because this whole situation has never ever been for sale before. To me that would have been like ripping my heart out, tearing an arm off, or throwing myself into a car crusher. Until now. And I'll get into the reasons for that in a moment, if you'd like.

If you want to know the landed cost, I have boxes and boxes of receipts, many yellowing and decades-old.  That's because this all  began over a half-century ago when I was still an undergraduate at Tufts University. It proceeded off and on from the fall of 1965. It involved California, Wisconsin Massachusetts, Ohio, Tennessee, Canada, Germany, Switzerland, England,  New York and too many more places to mention. When did this all end? Right here and now. 

What's my CAC? Well right now I have no customers. So there's no cost to acquire them. However you can change that. You can be the first and only one.

But I can disclose what the percentage is I'm offering. 

(Pause)

One hundred.

(Chyron insert reads;

???? for 100%)

That means if we do a deal it's yours. But there won't be any work involved to follow up. You'll understand in a moment.So I don't want to squander more of your valuable time. 

(Entrepreneur pulls the cloak off the object.)

( Sharks are heard to exclaim: what the heck, oh my God, and wow.)

Entrepreneur:

Now what you have before you ladies and gentlemen, is a large and powerful custom-built motorcycle.

Now sharks, I understand some of you are very high on 21st century things like non-fungible tokens, block chain technology and cryptocurrency. Well what is being offered to you is the ultimate answer to that. Besides being a unique of art, this two wheeled vehicle is a non-fungible object. What do I mean by that?

It is absolutely, one of a kind. No copies or duplications or replicas anywhere in the world. Blockchain technology is not needed to prove that. Nor can it be fungible with cryptocurrency or any other currency. It is its own currency because it is priceless. If or when civilization crashes and takes cryptocurrency and the blockchain with it, this object will remain priceless.

How am I able to say that? Because this is not a reproducible motorcycle that was built from a kit. I created, designed and commissioned it. I know literally every single part, every single nut and bolt, every single assembly in it. I have been a custom motorcycle builder and photojournalist for the past 50 years. So I perhaps know what I am talking about.

But let's start at the beginning.. My journey began when I was a Tufts undergraduate student. In the summer after my high school graduation in 1965 I purchased my first motorcycle. It was a semi assembled monster and a big box of parts. My parents who were scientists could not understand why I would buy such a thing but they were not worried because it did not run. However I had not counted on a friend of mine named Scott France who knew about lawn mowers and go carts. So, we were able to get it running -- barely --  in a week or so. I then went off to college and spend my spare time rebuilding and improving this motorcycle. 

So here's the thing about that bike. I never sold it and I still own it. And here it is.

(Image of  the motorcycle appears in the displays stage left.)

During my college years I pretty much got a minor in motorcycling. I began to learn about the amazing diversity and engineering found in motorcycles from around the world and throughout the decades of the 20th century. I began to collect parts and ideas. I corresponded frequently with shops and sources in Germany, England and Switzerland. And America too.

I grew ideas, connections and big future plans. I became a motorcycle journalist and,  before long, moved to California from Massachusetts. While I was there I begin to build custom motorcycles.

(Photo collage of motorcycles built appears on display)

But then life happened. I learned my father was dying of cancer.  I came back east to spend one final year with him. I changed careers and worked in high technology. During the big 80s  I designed and general contracted my own home. I wrote and published a book on aviation history. And I got married and then later, divorced. Not much time for motorcycles.

Then in 2014, like father like son. I received the six-letter diagnosis that no one wants to hear. Cancer. And it was a doozy of a case. My oncologist confided to her friend that she thought I had maybe five months. And after listening to her description of my affliction I took out a sheet of paper and figured out there were nine people in the entire world that had exactly my disease.

But in the immortal infomercial words, there's more. 

Because now over a decade had passed. I mean how much more time did I think I could reasonably get. With this in mind a few years ago I decided to finally build the ultimate custom motorcycle. This drew on all my experience from half a century a building and photographing motorcycles. I began to gather parts, design concepts and ideas.  I found Richard Jones of RHJj Retronation. He was the wizard able to help me take my raw material and bring it to reality.

Sharks, I now open the bidding. The winnet can  it home to your man or lady cave. Put it on display, mount it on your mantel, or protect  it under glass. Or, lady sharks of course you can give it to your significant other or son. Because, make no mistake, this js a 21 century object d'art. 

It has been built as fully functional machine. I'd even start and run the engine here right now but I don't think the producers would be very happy about that. Consider this a trophy for your generosity, your initiative, your genius and helping keep the American dream alive.

Now finally I know that some of you more mercenary sharks are concerned about your exit strategy. One strategy is just to keep it forever as a trophy. But God forbid you want to sell it consider this. The fact that it's been on national television and has been owned by a shark only increases its value. Most likely a multiple of what you paid here. Pretty neat huh?

But please just one request. Riding this thing on a public road? That would be like using a Rodin sculpture as a door stop. 

A and Q

 A. Guacamole 

Q. what do you get when you cross a noisy duck with a burrowing rodent

A. Mai Tai

Q. What did the two arguing shirts each say was theirs

Instagram model is...

 1 - crossing guard at the Playboy mansion 

2 - hood ornament that escaped the Lamborghini factory

3 - test chick for reflect-a-tape

4 - chatbot return for query: hottie

5 - Tesla headlight aiming device 

6 - new Chernobyl firefly species 

7 - Venus deMilo, pre nunnery days

8 - latest DARPA retinal fatigue weapon

9 - BellyButtonPride.org spokesmodel

10 - (drum roll please) one very very very fun-gible token

A: Everything Everywhere All at Once

Q: What happened when your prune juice got laced with expresso, crystal meth and ex-lax

Vincent Silver Lightning

 A Vincent bike lies below this badge 

Back in the 50s, twas all the rage

The parts for this one sat in a crate

And decades later found their true fate

In a bike with alloy, chrome and steel

Highly polished from front to rear wheel

With high lift cams and five forward speeds

And Dellorto carbs, twin front heads feed

Weight? 368 so reads the scales

Scintilla mag, so on goes this tale

With speed and power so truly frightening

It gets the name of Silver Lightning

So, stand aside as this missile comes through

It's fast and strong as a bolt from the blue!

Hot Half-liter Horex Horror

 Hidden safe in an ancient barn

Is how we start this fetching yarn

An engine made in German land

Named Horex, now few understand

But now it's risen from its sleep

And destiny's date it will keep

Like swaddling clothes it now does wear

A chassis modern with no peer

With supercharger at its back

A Weber carb aids the attack

Big bore barrels from Kayser's shack

So no performance it will lack

With forks that reach to kingdom come

This Horex's home is finally done!

Planet Ploy Goes Awry

What's the Art Fern Teatime movie starring:

Freddy Mercury 

Venus deMilo 

Eartha Kitt

Bruno Mars

King Neptune 

and 

Mickey"s dog Pluto

 A: You are in rare form

Q: What did the sushi say to the steak tartar

Song lyrics, May 1968

Mary was my sweetheart,

Hair so long and fine,

Mary had a sweet heart

Or so I thought at the time

But then I saw her with another,

And man, that really blew my mind

Mary liked to kiss me,

Lips like cool morning dew, 

I told her that I loved her

And she said she loved me too

But then I saw her with another,

And don't know really what to do

(Refrain)

Buying and trading with other's loves and lives

Don't you know that's a game I despise

Mary had a way of walking,

Enough to make a grown man cry

And her way of talking

Seemed to put stars in the sky

But I caught her with another

And so I had to say goodbye

 A: Daffodil

Q: What do you get when you cross breed a cartoon duck with a pickle 

The lie began in ' 58

And grew into a dispute great

For, in this stateside nation

The bike was badged Zundapp Citation

While overseas for local trade

Twas Imperator, Horex made

Born from that tale this bike you see

It's named Split Personality

It takes no sides, it's merely fast

With cut down chassis built to last

Blown twin plug heads sparked by a mag 

All that completes the power jag

With chrome and trinkets it does drip

And soon the streets here it will rip!

The Ghost Mark II

 The Ghost Mark II

Long long ago all saw the Ghost

The Kelsey bike that was the most 

But now there's something wild and new

'Cos, Kelsey's built the Ghost Mark II

It's stretched and blown and magged and pearled 

And set to rock the custom world

Its finned and polished parts all shine

It rates a 12 on scale of nine

And soon, it might be up for grabs 

Bring lots of green to pay the tab

So don some shades and take a gaze

This Kelsey's Kustom does amaze

Son of Six

 Son of six

Through mists of time a dream all spied

A monster few would dare to ride 

Twas Latham huffed with many tricks

And count the barrels, there were six

Now spawning from that ancient grave

A polished potent wicked knave

From grounds unholy it does rise

The world it soon will terrorize

So cower all, let children wail

From Son of Six we pull the veil

Hidden safe in an ancient barn

Is how we start this fetching yarn

An engine made in German land

Named Horex, now few understand

But now it's risen from its sleep

And destiny's date it will keep

Like swaddling clothes it now does wear

A chassis modern with no peer

With supercharger at its back

So no performance it will lack

With forks that reach to kingdom come

This Horex's home is finally done!

 A: High two 

Q: How do you greet another person wearing mittens ...

Latest Shark Tank.

(Theme music)

(VO:

Next into the Tank is a situation that the Sharks have never seem before in the history of the show.)

(Five cloaked large objects are on stage foreground, one for each Shark.  Five more are on the stage to the left side.)

Entrepreneur: 

Good evening, lady and gentlemen. Or, whatever time it is here in this aquarium!

The first thing I'm not going to tell you is my name and where I'm from. Because I don't want to take the spotlight away from you. You know there's a lot of talk these days about the separation between the rich and the average on this planet. All of you are doing your best to help that. I salute you and applaud you.

(Entrepreneur salutes and claps)

The second thing I'm not going to tell you is my "ask " for this situation. That is because it has come into being only here and now, before you. 

But I can disclose what the percentage is I'm offering. 

(Pause)

One hundred.

(Chyron insert reads;

???? for 100%)

Mr. Wonderful and fellow sharks, the next thing I can't tell you is sales. That's because this whole situation nor any part has ever ever been for sale before. To me that would have been like ripping my heart out, tearing an arm off, or throwing myself into a car crusher. Until now. And I'll get into the reasons for that in a moment, if you'd like.

If you want to know the landed cost, I have boxes and boxes of receipts, many yellowing and decades-old.  Have at it! That's because this situation began a half-century ago when I was still an undergraduate at Tufts University. It proceeded off and on from the fall of 1965. It involved California, Wisconsin Massachusetts, Ohio, Tennessee, Canada, Germany, Switzerland, England,  New York and too many more places to mention. When did the situation end? Right here and now.

So I don't want to squander more of your valuable time. Just bear with me for a few instructions. In each hand you hold a rope. I know no one can command the sharks, so upon my humble request, pull down on the rope in your left hand. But -- before we start in this case, ladies last. Laurie/Barbara/Kendra, please patiently wait.

Now gentleman pull down on the rope in your left hand.

(Gentlemen Sharks pull the left rope to lift the drain covering each object to unveil a motorcycle and gasp collectively. Some are heard to exclaim: what the heck, oh my God, and wow.)

The four motorcycles for you men Sharks unveiled are:

Mystery Sled Harley Davidson 

Silver Lightning Vincent

Feuling W3 custom 

CrossRoads Horex Imperator chopper

Entrepreneur:

Now what you have before you gentlemen, are large and powerful custom-built motorcycles. But for our lady shark, we have something special. A little more diminutive and colorful, a veritable tempest in a teapot just like her! Laurie/Barbara/Kendra, please pull your left rope. 

This  Muscular midget Zundapp Citation bobber is just for you.

(Lady Shark pulls the left rope to lift the drain covering each object to unveil a smaller motorcycle.)

Mark and fellow sharks, I understand some of you are very high on 21st century things like non-fungible tokens, block chain technology and cryptocurrency. Well the situation that is being offered to you is the ultimate answer to that. Each and every one of these vehicles is a non-fungible object. 

Each is absolutely, one of a kind, with no copies or duplications or replicas anywhere in the world. Blockchain technology is not needed to prove that. Nor can they be fungible with cryptocurrency or any other currency. Each and everyone is its own currency because each and every one is priceless. When civilization crashes and takes cryptocurrency and the blockchain with it, these object will remain priceless.

How am I able to say that? Because I created, designed and commissioned each one. I know literally every single part every single nut and bolt, every single assembly in each motorcycle. I can further speak with authority because I have been a custom motorcycle builder and photojournalist for the past 50 years. I know what I am talking about.

But let's start at the beginning.. My journey to this situation began when I was a Tufts undergraduate student. In the summer after my high school graduation in 1965 I purchased my first motorcycle. It was a semi assembled monster and a big box of parts. My parents who were scientists could not understand why I would buy such a thing but they were not worried because it did not run. However with a friend of mine named Scott France who knew about lawn mowers we were able to get it running -- barely --  in a week or so. I then went off to college and spend my spare time rebuilding and improving this motorcycle. 

So here's the thing about that bike. I never sold it and I still own it. And here it is.

(Back clothed assistant rolls the motorcycle through the portal and onto the stage.)

This is a Zundapp Citation cafe racer. It is emphatically not open to bid.

During my college years I pretty much got a minor in motorcycling. I began to learn about the amazing diversity and engineering found in motorcycles from around the world and throughout the Decades of the 20th century. I began to collect parts and ideas. I corresponded frequently with shops and sources in Germany England and Switzerland. And America too.

I grew ideas, connections and big future plans. I became a motorcycle journalist and,  before long, moved to California from Massachusetts. While I was there I begin to build one of the motorcycles you see here.

But then life happened. I learned my father was dying of cancer.  I came back east to spend one final year with him. I changed careers and worked in high technology. During the big 80s as they called it, I designed and general contracted my own home. I wrote and published a book on aviation history. And I got married and then later, divorced. Not much time for motorcycles.

Then in 2014, like father like son. I received the six-letter diagnosis that no one wants to hear. Cancer. And it was a doozy of a case. My oncologist confided to her friend that she thought I had maybe five months. And after listening to her description of my affliction I took out a sheet of paper and figured out there were nine people in the entire world that had exactly my disease.

But in the immortal infomercial words, there's more. Because each of these bikes was inspired by a precursor.  Think, like godfather like son. You've seen the sons. Now here are the fathers. Sharks please take the rope in your right hand and lower it.

( Sharks all pull the right rope to lift the drape covering each object to the right unveil a motorcycle and gasp collectively. Some are heard to exclaim: what the heck, oh my God, and wow.)

The five godfathers are:

1973 Harley Super Glide

Godet Black Lightning 

Original Feuling W3

Zundapp Citation restoration 

Original Horex lmperator

Sharks, I now open the bidding. Take one, more or all home to your man or lady cave. Put them on display, mount them on your mantel, or protect them under glass.  Because, make no mistake, these are 21 century objects d'art. They have been built as fully functional machines. But putting them on the road would be like using a Rodin sculpture as a door stop.

May the bidding begin!

 What did one waffle say to the other? I don't want to live off the grid

A: Umami
Q: Who married Udaddy?

A: Colon cancer
Q: What killed the typographer?

A: Suet
Q: What's the lawyer feed his birds?

A: Flatten the curve
Q: What does a minimizer bra do?

Here's Johnny…

As you can see, we've taken our set out on the road. We're broadcasting from breezy and dusty.Outer Mongolia -- where self-isolation is a major export.

(Audience: so how deserted is it Johnny?)

I  am glad you asked. It is so extreme that that  the official population density is  point 005 humans per square mile. That's somewhere between a fart and a big toenail clipping. They had a staff of one to do the annual census. But she died from loneliness. The stock market traded a share the other day. First time in five  years. Sandstorms and tumbleweeds outnumber humans by twenty to one.

But things are pretty busy here. The local sheriff's department is on a tear. Yesterday they arrested a sheep herd, a beehive and an ant farm for failure to socially distance. Then today it was announced that the Lone Ranger and Tonto are making a reappearance. They've been hired as spokes maskers.

But I have an admission to make. I'm actually in heaven and I'm just channeling Outer Mongolia. That's because it's not very interesting here in side the Gates -- Pearly. Bill or whathaveyou. All the angels are running around antibody positive and saying, neener neener we got the virus and we can't get it again. It's pretty safe in Outer Mongolia. With so few humans you can't catch a cold or a virus. You can't even catch a taxi or hell if you are bad. It is pretty much crime, lime and grime free.

The food supply here is pretty sketchy. It's mostly Yak butter and glacial runoff.  But I guess that beats  what Americans are eating these days.  I hear that instacart and Amazon are doing a big business in growlux bulbs and Tide with bleach alternative pods. They say that's a good way to cure Coronavirus . People are popping them like Tic Tacs.

There's no debate here about opening the country here either. What can you open that you never heard of? I mean, the capital, Ulan Bator is running neck and neck with Burkina Faso in the worldwide weird place names derby.

Stand up comedy part two

What do Eastern Europeans store their money in? Pole vault.

What's the difference between real and fake sandpaper. True grit. 

What did the quadriplegic say when he couldn't answer your question. I really don't know. I'm stumped.

Pepperoni. What do you get when you cross a spice with a pasta. 

A: orange Julius Q:what happened when Caesar over did the tanning lotion

Musical chairs. What did you sit on at the band concert. 

Valve seats.  What do they have in the waiting room of the plumbing supply house?

What do an elephant and an elm store their belongings in. A trunk.

Flatten the curve. What's another name for breast reduction surgery .

I was in my airplane.  The tower radioed to me that I could take off.  So I parked the plane, went to the store and stole some bug spray.

Hopscotch. What do they call the new liqueur made from  beer. 

A load of bull. What do you haul  to the stockyard in a semi.

Semi.  What did the counterfeiter haul his fake half dollars around in.

He got hammered. What happened to the alcoholic nail when it went into a bar. 

Father Time got into a fist fight. It didn't go well. He really got clocked. 

What happened to the scared skillet. It got panicky. 

They just invented a new month. But it's very short. The last day is the twelfth of Never. 

I went to the town green for a stroll.  But they had a sign there that said no parking. So I went home. 

What did the projection and the protuberance do last Sunday. They went on an outing.

Cold Storage. What happened when Ole Man Winter moved into your spare closet. 

Jailbait.  What did the adult penitentiary think of when he looked at the cute teenaged house of correction? 

Flatten the curve. What did the epidemiologist learn in geometry class.

What did the aging pin up girl say when she looked down at her chest. Flatten the curve.

Zoom video. What is TV really speeded up? 

Remote learning.  What what goes on in  the school at Tierra del Fuego. 

Quail Run.  What's the name of the local bird marathon. 

Warren Buffett. What happened around lunch time at the Rabbit Hotel

Loaf tea aspirations. What did the lazy beverage have.

Pinnacle. What's another name for the top of Needle Mountain.

Forbearance. What did the mama who gave birth to quadruplet cubs have.

Rouge and Tripoli. Name two Polish cities.

Polish polish. What's the last step at the Warsaw car wash.

Hellmann's. What does the devil put on his sliced turkey sandwich.