Zach Zombie Pt. 8 How not to get a date at match dot com part

Zach Zombie “zeeks" ghoul-friend

(Halloween' s months off. So? The early corpse gets the crypt.) I look much better than my photo if you are into the ultimate hard body. (I mean, what is better than pure bone, right?) It’s from 100 years ago -- when I still possessed flesh. But thanks to the miracle of biodegradability and microbial appetite, I am now a mere skeleton of my former self. My friends all call me a bag of bones. But, my BMI is terrific –under 1.2!

So actually I am much older than my profile says. And I am not -- by any stretch of the imagination--among the living. Oh dead men tell no tales, you say? Fuggeddabowdit!

I would like to chill out with a witch in a fright wig who is drop dead gorgeous. Think, the eye shadow of Morticia and the cleavage of Elvira. If things work out, we could even be married -- at a graveside service, naturally.

I have a lot to offer. I got a steady job in nuclear power. I’m the third shift - skeleton crew. I also moonlight as an anatomical model. For a medical school. I used to be a locksmith and can use a skeleton key. I am kind of famous. I have had jungle gyms, geodesic domes and unfinished skyscrapers named after me.

I am a real cheap date. Just bring me to a graveyard and I will stagger around and moan for hours until the light of day. I go out to clubs often – morgues, mortuaries and mausoleums are my favorite haunts. I like to dance. I’m good at the Monster Mash. Sometime my bone-rattling does drown out the music. I am a big fan of The Invisible man, Boney Bob and Rod Argent.

I work out regularly too. – can do hundreds of crypt sit-ups. Been told I have very pretty eye-sockets. Nice teeth too. And really good bones. No wonder -- I force down fosamax for breakfast and chew chalk for lunch. Biceps? Not so much.

Nobody ever accused me of being a numbskull or spineless. I do sometime make mistakes – they can be real boners. I like humor; my favorite is TV comic Red Skeleton.

I do have some baggage. I dated Olive Oyl. But oil and bones didn't mix. My last girl friend was Bonie Maroney. We had more in common, but we finally got dislocated. I wanted to merely get subluxated, but she wouldn’t agree.

Okay so don’t rib me about all this. If you have a bone to pick, just wait until "to-marrow" and this profile will change.