Monday, May 16, 2011

Ode to my ex-wife’s Ambulance Chaser

This so-called big time beantown mouthpiece, you see

Is worse than the actors that play on TV

At drafting and filing and serving subpoenas

She got the skills of a gang of hyenas

She lies she chisels she cheats she wheedles

All the true smarts she’s got could fit on a needle

She’s as tall as Big Bird, wears the same kind of wig

Her in-court decorum is worse than a pig

Her motions denied, her pleadings are stricken

As often as we’d all like southern fried chicken

She tramples client privilege in affidavits galore

Full of lies and mistruths, she’s truly a boor

She tries to reargue, and defy res judicata

With logic so bad it smells just like bull caca

Her big fancy home in a snoot-burb in Mass.

Does little to disguise the fact she’s so crass

She lives right next to the academy there,

Just another way she puts on phony airs

She got her degree from fourth rate BC

Her work stinks worse than a barrel of feces

She’s megalomanic, try arrogant too

She aggrandizes herself so much you’ll turn blue

She seems to think that the whole world’s her stage

But, it’s a only dump and she’s rotting garbage

She’s venal, she’s phony and so histrionic

Her court room theatrics are like plague bubonic

Seems her brain’s afflicted with terminal necrosis

And her breath stinks too, cos she’s got halitosis

She murders forests trying to stand case law on its head

Munchusen by proxy to clients she applies instead

She tries to bring opponents down to their knees

With egregious tactics that are pure dirt bag sleaze

She's just like Joan Crawford (think, movie Dearest, Mommie)

She spews out vile rancor like a sewage tsunami

She won’t compromise or even counteroffer

She’d sink a sharp knife in the back of her brother

She churns her accounts like crooked brokers in stocks

She bills for incompetent work that’s truly a crock

She drags rag-doll clients along her dirty agenda

If true lawyering's sugar, then she practices fake splenda

Her monstrous mental masturbatory delusions

Arise from her brain’s severe circulatory perfusions

The word on the street from her counsel brethren?

She's a shrill, mentally-ill imbecilic heathen

They whisper that she is a real piece of work

Lacking the skills of even a dumb clerk

The amount of integrity she brings to the scene

Is so vanishingly small it can never be seen.

In Court before Judges, she 's phony obsequious

Full of prevarication that are slimy and devious

To true stipulations she’s never conducive

Her arguments are rank and completely abusive

She makes much ado about dropping big names

Thinking the Court her opponents will frame

By all account she should be a convicted felon

Oh, and she ‘s ugly - her face looks like a melon

What’s even far worse and makes things so dour

She bilks hapless clients at four hundred an hour

A judge with cojones would stop her in her tracks

But I got a wimp who never attacks

And so this goes on for year after year

While the money being sought slowly disappears.

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