Maxxinista chaufferage offered
Strong silent taciturn gearhead driver type available. Objective: to whisk, deliver and otherwise ferry fine fully-featured foxy female clients to de rigeur shopping locations hither and yon. Has Nordstrom, Filenes, and Chicos locations nationwide already programmed into GPS.
One hundred twenty one (121) years old but has undergone recent face, body, psyche and cerebellum lift. ["Before" photo broke the Match upload function.] Effortlessly carries multiple heavy shopping bags in one hand while holding door open for clients with the other. Successfully chews gum while walking. Does not drive while texting. Can:
-- double clutch manual transmission Big Rigs
-- operate Electrolux vacuums
-- pilot horseless carriages
-- charge Tesla Roadsters
-- fly Ford Tri-motors
-- engineer 4-8-4 Northern steam locomotives
-- commandeer Space Shuttles; and
-- reboot Windows XP.
Capable of swapping-out spark plugs, parallel parking, hand-prop starting antique airplanes and designing websites in html. (Timing belt replacement, brake rotor turning and javascript programing have been discontinued.)
Has polysyllabic comprehension capability. Can listen, and occasionally respond, to simple spoken commands. Understands the use of self timers on digital cameras. Alters mountains, removes red eye and photoshops ex-spouses. Capable of distinguishing right from wrong. But never judging same. Stop-and-actually-ask-for-directions and read-the-instruction-manual fail-safe modes are available for a nominal service upcharge.
The driver unit has these further desirable features:
** Removes leaves with rake (not leaf blower)
** Can hand snowshovel 850 foot drive way
** Can treat resultant tennis elbow with advil
** Can next time use the snowblower, macho dummy
** Sorts recyclables and takes out trash
** Lowers toilet seat after each use
** Spectator sport time-limit governed
** Client programmable hair length, uniform, aftershave
** Levitra, lipitor and lexapro free
** Wears antiperspirant
** Uses fabric softener
** Urinal phobic
** Can fold sheets and launders Sta-Prest shirts
** Carries road rage immunity
** Will not equate chronic fatigue syndrome w/yuppie flu
** Brakes for small roadside mammals and amphibians
** Hates professional ice hockey and BBQ chicken wings
Supply is limited. Reserve yours now!
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Press release – for immediate release
New and improved Maxxinista Chauffeur Driver Unit
News flash for ladies who like to shop but not drive. Maxxinista Chauffeurage LLC. announces this morning the immediate availability of it’s new, surgically enhanced and bovine growth hormore free Driver Unit, release Mk 2.1666. The latest revision provides the following deliverables women clients have been clamnoring for:
>> Bronze-skinned Chippendale dancer emulation
>> Capability of hogging all electronic remotes now disabled
>> User-selectable multiple monikers now include Jeeves, Yo, Hey Boy, Killer and Fang
>> Compatible with skim milk, turkey bacon and non-fat yogurt
>> Incompatible to rotweilers, come as you are parties, and trans fat
>> BMI reduced to 20.8
>> Can light charcoal solely by friction
>> Browser has Groupon website bookmarked
>> Successfully packs (cajoles) Kate Middleton’s wardrobe, chapel decor and entourage into Kia Sportage
>> Delilah-adjustable sideburn length
>> Vehicle possesses shot gun seat virginity; deflowing discount still available
>> Kicks over Harleys, pull starts 13 HP snowblowers and hand cranks MGB’s
>> Scans kodachrome, digitizes RTR music tapes, spot retouches nitrate film stock
Maxxinista Chauffeurage LLC is public company whose shares are thinly traded on the national stock exchanges of Atlantis, Vandelay, and Pago Pago.
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