My history of everything Pt. 5 How not to get a date at match dot com

Kinda chiseled cranky cute creative codger seeks semi-saint with secret scandalous sultry sinner streak

Or...

Rather rough-hewn roustabout reprobate writer requires rare respectable but risque randy rose..

Okay now that we have the gratuitous alliteration out of the way, on to the matter at hand...

EXECUTIVE ABSTRACT/SUMMARY:
Ancient designer just awoke, can't cope with the 21st Century, needs revivification...

THE DRILL DOWN:
Perhaps a bit of history maybe illustrative of my plight.

The first thing I remember was a loud “snap”. My ears still ring from that. Mom, Aphrodite, told me it was the big bang universe popping into existence. My Dad, Zeus, had been working in the garage forever on this project. He finally got lucky.

One of my earlier fondest memories was when fire arrived. Yum – cooked meat. Some Hepcat invented it down in Tierra del Fuego, it went viral and arrived at our cave just four scant centuries later.

Moving right along, my teens saw the invention of movable type by an German dude. It was a mixed blessing in our household because it permanently “retired”’ my Dad who was the fastest granite-tablet chiseler in the hemisphere. Lightning bolts, you know. Being a God was no match for technological change

Later as shots were fired in Lincoln and Concord (Massachusetts not New Hampshire, ma’am) I fell into a slumber of several hundred decades after reading about Rip Van Winkle. Slept fitfully, woke up very century or so – and then again last Tuesday. I had heard about books putting you to sleep but that was some soporific, huh?

Okay, so here is my problem. Among other things, I am confused about these here airplanes. Where are their propellers and round engines. And the car out in front has neither three-on-the column nor four-on-the floor. How in Haedes do you shift it? I tried to go to the New York Public Library but I could not find a steam train to take me there. Just something slippery, silent and weird called the Excella or something like that.

I finally got there, but the Libe had a sign on the door saying it was closed due to the world wide web. I don’t see any fishermans’ nets anywhere?

So, help! I need a modern woman to bring me into the 21st century