Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Top ten reasons to fire your financial advisor
He’s grown his hair into a mullet do like John Corzine and Bernie Madoff
He wants you to invest in the IPO of a social networking outfit called FacePlant
You found out he’s the illegitimate son of the Bombastic Bushkin
Insider trading for Raj Rajratnam headlines his resume
He has squirreled away Greek Drachmas in hopes of a comeback
It was on his advice the Fed minted the Sacagawea dollar
He thinks security analyst-speak “POS” means “point of sale”
He claims cotango is a new dance craze sweeping the nation
He was the cost control executive of Boston’s Big Dig
(drum roll...)
He tells you Ponzi was just a co-star on Happy Days
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
So how broke is California, Johnny?
California’s so broke LAX converted the Goodyear blimp into a turnstile tollboth for jumbo jets..
California’s so broke they made the lottery payoff in sand dollars, wooden nickels and steel pennies.
California’s so broke Governor Schwarnegger moonlights on talks shows for minimum union scale.
California’s so broke Sacremento sold its name rights to a tomato juice canner.
California’s so broke statehouse dinners are now catered by the NBC Commissary.
California’s so broke the Highway Department cut off its Slauson and sold it for scrap.
California’s so broke the Motion Picture Academy sold out to Ding Dong School.
California’s so broke the only Nutrition Spokesperson we can afford is Gumby.
California’s so broke we sold the Mulholland Highway back to the Dutch.
California’s so broke we now charge admission to the Harbor Freeway as a thrill ride.
California’s so broke they replaced San Onofre with a farm of crazed-gerbil generators.
California’s so broke the economy sucks more than the baleen whale that went berserk at Sea World.
California’s so broke they renamed Million Dollar Road, Penny Lane.
California’s so broke the State Treasurer is channeling Jack Benny.
California’s so broke Don Rickles won’t even stoop to insult it.
California’s so broke they say it is all San Andreas’s Fault
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
So how windy is it, Johnny?
It’s so windy my whirlygig went supersonic
It’s so windy the new Boeing Dreamliner took off from LAX…backwards
It’s so windy Alice Kramden zoomed to the moon ..on her own
It’s so windy Mt Baldy got its toupee blown off
It’s so windy a tumbleweed did a smash and dash on a 7-11 in Pacoima
It’s so windy you can actually see across the street in Pasadena
It’s so windy my umbrella got twisted and tortured into Desmond’s tutu
It’s so windy a wet noodle impaled itself in the bronze bust of General MacArthur
It’s so windy my aeolian pipe organ is playing on its own.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
So how hot is it Johnny?
It’s so hot my pet cockatiel got roasted into chicken fricasee
It’s so hot my fish pond cooked the carp into boiled schrod
It’s so hot they brought San Onofre back on line just to run my Kelvinator
It’s so hot Cool hand Luke gave me a Indian burn out behind the NBC dumpster
It’s so hot an overturned truckload of crayola made the 405 Freeway into a pool of paisley puce
It’s so hot they’re renacting the race riots to cool down Watts
It’s so hot Mitt Romney’s dog is begging for a breezy roof rack ride to Maine
It’s so hot the Airforce enlisted hordes of hummingbirds to cool their jets
It’s so hot Barack Obama is eating weiner dog in rolls for lunch
It’s so hot the Tujunga Wash had to send out for dry cleaning
It’s so hot the California Aqueduct is impersonating the River Styxx
Friday, May 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
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