A: Ash Wednesday

Q: What'd the dummy think was National Smoking Cessation Day?

A: Black Friday

Q: What'd the dummy think was a new Afro-american holiday?

Snow bound before Thanksgiving? Twelve ways to cope…

12. Call in a rocksalt –tipped incendiary cruise missile attack

11. Console yourself by thinking “ What a relief -- all this could have been rain”

10. Turn up the heat. Open garage doors. Hope that melts it all

9. Fuel your aging snowblower with hydrazine, crystal meth and Cialis

8. Install tire chains and skis on your Harley

7. Break out your canned tuna fish hoard. Stay home until next July 4th

6. Repeal Gravity. Dispatch the floating flakes with a leaf blower

5. Give your chipmunk army spoons. Tell em peanuts are down at the road

4. Sin . Die. Go to Hell. Take entire town with you

3. Open ski run . Charge admission

2. Build a black hole from plans on the internet. Suck everything out of reality….

And….

1.  Foment a wild turkey stampede down your driveway

Nine things overheard while unloading a soapstone stove…

9. Oh cool -- I just invented a new swear word

8. I think it looks great just staying here in the driveway

7. Oh -- so this is what a black hole weighs

6. We need a Parton sized Dolly

5. Did this thing weld itself to the trailer floor?

4. No,  that’s not firecrackers, that is my back

3. Please -- no more puns about getting all in a lather

2. We’re gonna need a bigger crane

(drum roll)

1. No , that is not a wilted leaf, that is my finger

Oncology joke

I have cancer   -- and lousy hearing.

So my brilliant, enthralling, stylish and beautiful oncologist called me on her cell phone.

She said:

“ Now that your chemo is over, I want to marry you. I will use a local anesthetic and it won’t hurt a bit.”

Now this proposal was beyond my wildest dreams. After I flew around the ceiling and over the moon a bit, I composed myself. Of course I had to be honest and truthful to my now soon-to-be wife  so I said:

“Yes oh yes ..but of course sometimes marriage can hurt no matter what you do.”

There was a long silence and then she answered;

“NO I want to MARROW you. The bone biopsy, remember?”

….

Darn

….

I hate cell phones

Eight reasons I think I am Jesus Christ

8. I go to a frozen pond every February. And walk on water

7. My bread machine went berserk,  turned out 4,000 loaves

6. I went to Costco. Found tuna cans big enough to feed thousands

5. People say my name after the hammer misses.

4. My Dad’s viagra ran out – he tried immaculate conception.

3. Hot cross buns give me memory pains in my palms.

2. My hoodie got tangled in a rose bush – crown of thorns

(drum roll)

 1. Every time I pass a manger, I suck my thumb

Pah-dum-pum

Top eight reasons my truck has ten wheels

18 would exceed my budget

 

I own stock in Firestone

 

It’s a Ford  so  you need extra parts

 

Really only has two – thanks photoshop

 

I adhere to the Dewey Decimal System

 

I am big on Rubber meets the Road

 

My computer has no tire delete function

 

I can’t count to eleven