A: Chicken, cacciatore

Q: What order did George Washington give to his few cowardly conscripts?

Q: What's the dangerous new puzzle from Rubik for taxi drivers?

A:  Death Cube for Cabbie

Top ten courses at Donald Trump U

10 – Sneering 101

9 –  Legal Larceny: It’s Called Bankruptcy

8 –  Fleecing the Little Guy for Fun and Profit

7  – Learn “You’re Fired” in 12 Foreign languages

6  – How Not to Run for President

5  –  Making Income Disparity Work for You

4  –  Whatever Happened to?… Marla Maples

3  –   Bluster and Prevarication For Dummies

2  – How to Cast Aspersions on Hawaiian Birth Certificates

and (drum roll please…)

1  –  Twenty Easy Ways to Style Your Toupee

Top ten things that probably glow in the dark

10-- Chicken Kiev...oops... I mean chickens from Kiev

9-- The Chernobyl wolves that dine on Kiev chickens

8-- Bats during firefly season

7-- 1950's wrist watch dials

6-- Neon -- when it gets really excited

5-- Tugtupite -- and many drab rocks from Franklin NJ

4-- The worms in that Chuck Berry Song

3-- Some Japanese horror flick monsters

2-- The headstone on Madame Curie's grave

and ( drum roll please)

1-- Fukushima Springs  Bottles water

Top ten reasons you should abandon your home

(Bonus) -- Your neighbor's raising giant wild boars And feeding them with coffee grounds

(Bonus) -- The fuzz on that gouda has taken over your attic

10 -- That creeping sinkhole in your backyard just won’t quit

9 -- Local doppler radar shows a hook echo barreling down your street

8 --You just acquired a case of shingles. And not the kind you roof with

7 -- Miley Cyrus wants to move in. Sans wardrobe . But with her entourage.

6 --Your name is  Bashar al-Assad. And cruise missiles are incoming

5 --You ratted out Whitey -- and he found it on Zillow

4 --You built over an Indian burial ground. And the natives are getting restless

3 -- Your name is Erin Hernandez and you're getting hang-up calls

2--Google Earth shows a giant crosshair mowed into your front lawn

and (drum roll please)

1 --You live in a California forest. And smell smoke.

0  -- It was designed and built by a grad of Donald Trump U.

A: Husky and Starch

Q: What was the dyslexic's fave TV show?

A: Pay Pen Pal

Q: Who wrote to Aaron Hernandez?

A: Sin-ergies

Q: Why'd the brothel and the divorce law firm merge?

A:Snow-den

Q: Where in Siberia should the Russians banish the NSA leaker?

A: Tailor Swift

Q: Who can make a you a custom tux in two days?

Shingles diary

Day 1 – Get the shingles

Day 1.00001  – Determine they really kinda suck. Decide to try and return same to Home Depot. Liberal policy there, you know. Drive to store. Try to avoid potholes on the way. Can literally feel a pea under 25 mattresses.

Day 3  –  Arrive at HD return counter. Takes that long to stagger in from parking lot. Sorry, they no can do. Have to draw the line somewhere, I guess

Day 3.5 Arrive home. Thorax is doing excellent impersonation of the heavily napalmed Vietnam war Demilitarized Zone.

Day 4 – After diligent internet search, order 2500 cases of Dr. Numb.

Day 5  –  They arrive Fedex overnight

Day 6  –  Run out of  Dr. Numb and urgently re-order.

Day 7  –  Dimly. dawning realization of what “post herpetic neuraligia” means.It does NOT mean picnic.

Day 8  –  Scour neighborhood dumpsters for  left over expired prescription painkillers

Day 9  –  Make note to self :  never ever get a tattoo

Day 10   –  Ow. Ouch. Ow. Ouch

Day 11  –  Ow ow. Ouch ouch. Ow ow.

Day 12  –  Ow ow ow . Ouch Ouch Ouch

Day 13  –  %$#@*&%^$#@

Day 14  – WTF?

Day 15  –  Discover if I hang like a bat, some sleep is possible

Day 16  –  Torso feels like a convention of fire ants is roaming around inside

Day  17 –  Awake to today's featured presentation: Portuguese Man of War Sting ..times ten

Day 18  –  Determine that suicide is preferable to this …click…bang…

Day 18.0001  –  Goodbye cruel worl…..…..

Steam & Steel

I was born - Age of steam and steel
When Northerns had - Four pair driving wheels
And they ran -  Sweet Kentucky coal
Shovel hard - Faster you would roll
---------------------------

Flew left seat -Connie Super G
Yup, PIC – Back in ' 53
With four recips- She’d fly good on three
High and safe -  Over angry seas
---------------------------

Motorcy-Cle I called Black Bart
Built it up -- Vin and Indian parts
Monster mill - Real hard to kick start
Not for weak - Nor the faint of heart
---------------------------

And so now - A new century
But I like the - Way things used to be
People read - Real magazines
Rockets fueled - By Hydrazine
---------------------------

No paddle shifts -Just three on the tree
No cell nor text - Just dial rotary
Took pics on film - That you would buy
No Photoshop - To make them all lie.



REFRAIN

Welcome to anthem of ancient gears
Lots of years, blood, sweat and tears
Cos the faster you go
The more time does slow
Hey, Einstein said so

Dating disasters, flirting fiascoes, hook-up horror stories.

Believe it or not. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.

1. Our first tete a tete, dinner. My treat. She asked me to meet her outside, so we could go in together. Like some kind of grand entrance by Russian royalty, I guess. Well she WAS from Siberia. So, okay... But -- thing was… it was a frigid January evening. I am talking wind chills straight from the Planet Pluto. The dark side, mind you. And she was 80 minutes late…. Frostbite was right on time, though.


2. We had a nice lunch (at least I thought) and some friendly chatty ee-males. I made an innocent joke about our Prez. She wrote back calling me a despicable bigoted racist. At a Press Roast the very next night, the very same man (Mr. Prez) made the very same joke. About himself. No, I did not sue him for plagiarism. No, she did not get a second date.


3. She was coming nearby to get “some ink.” Could we have out first meet-up then. Okay, cool I thought. She is an artist or calligrapher who needs supplies. I like artists. Then I find out the place is a tattoo parlor. And she is getting one. That’s what she meant by ink. Sooo… she will see me -- for the first time -- fresh from a lengthy session of ritualistic butch biker torture -- raw, bleeding and sore. Eiuww. How fetching. But hey I am nice guy. I joke that I will bring pain killers. She says she will call me when she is almost done. She never does. Gee -- wonder why I did not feel disappointed?


4. I wish I had a Ben Franklin for the number of times I have ignorantly and incorrectly been called “odd”. No pejorative implied. Well at least by me. Because “ignorant” merely means lacking knowledge. The female epithet hurlers in these cases were bereft of data about my financial state. In which I could easily smoke cigars rolled from aforesaid currency for years on end. With little untoward effect. In view of the foregoing, the correct term is not “odd”, but of course…eccentric.


5. It was the sad dream of too many homely high schools to be oh-so popular in their class. In the 21st century internet dating version of this, some women have never grown up. They collect phone numbers like some kind of Merit Badge / Bedpost Notch of Popularity. Never meaning to really call the other end in the slightest, of course. Their pathetic looser logic goes like this. If the guy sends me his number he is really interested , and I am popular! Of course I am happy to oblige. They never find out the number I gave was a VOIP throwaway. Linked to a burner cell. Residing in the bottom of a Walmart dumpster. In Tuvalu. On the dark side of Planet Pluto.

A: Destination Unknown by Missing Persons

Q: What new-wave 80s rock hit is NOT likely to be played on a Carnival Cruise?

A: Dracut, Mass

Q :Where do male ducks get their hair done?

This just in ...from the Kentucky Derby

Bad news: Rosie do not win, place or show.

Good news: She got a great mud facial.

Song -- China Clipper

(For you I wrote this song
It took me all night long
Hope you won’t think it wrong
For me so forward be)

So what’s this all about
Oh I don’t need to shout
It’s just -- you’re pure lights out
As even blind eyes can see

You got me so enthralled
I’m walkin’ into walls
You’re like Niagara Falls
For  newlyweds to be

So please come wreck my train
Please drive me half insane
I sure will not complain
If there’s a you and me

‘Cos when you’re on mind
It’s like, there’s no stop signs
It‘s just like flying blind
Over vast China sea

In ancient Martin plane
Four giant engines main
Through storm clouds, winds and rain
Could be the end of me

 I dream you’re up on stage
And quite the current rage
It’s the Victorian Age
Your petticoat I can see

You’re one heck of a muse
You make my screws come loose
I’m giddy as a goose
And pining like a tree

I try hard as I can
I got a million plans
Grains of Sahara sands
To get you addicted to me

I wonder years from now
If you’ll recall this show
Oh - did stage lights just blow?
Well, I did hit upper C…

This was my very best shot
I gave it all I got
You love me now? -- or what?
Sure hope that it might be

REFRAIN

So in all our lifetimes
How we do wish for sunshine
But if you’re a tornado
Then, with smile I’ll go

And when your storm clears
You’ll see me way up there
A rainbow will follow
Where ever I will go.

Top Twelve Dating Site Photo Turn Offs

12.    You in some tasteless tacky foreign tourist trap.

11.    You kissing your dog. Yick.

10.    You posing on a motorcycle you neither ride nor own

9.      You with a green highlight surround. (So desperate you pay extra, uh?)

8.      You as a Roswell survivor (Luv that weird car-cam alien look?)

7.       You engaged in ozone depleting, global-warming travel.

6.      You kissing your dog on the mouth. Double yick.

5.       You showing kleevege (I am not into stampedes)

4.       Your greasy facial highlights (Powder – an amazing invention)

3.       You out of focus (Oh, how competent.)

2.      You drinking a Mai Tia the size of Jupiter.  (Oh, AAA hookie day?) and …

1.      You and your dog.  One  of you showing tongue. Triple yick.

A: Bonfire of the Vanities

Q; What happened after the arsonist struck the bathroom furniture warehouse?

A: Sioux

Q: What's the new Native American tribe founded by Lawyers?

A: Booty call

Q:  What happened after your cell phone fell into your Uggs?

YUPP / NOPE

Nicely answering email /  rudely ignoring email
Dashcam pix - Russian meteor  /   dashcam pix - you
Writing  /  texting
Taoism /  ageism
Kissing babies  / Kissing  dogs
Gold miners  / gold diggers
Country rock  / country
Photos of you  /  photos of you traveling
Wanton women /  wonton soup
Taylor Swift’s hate songs   / Taylor Swift’s love songs
Downton Abby  / Dear Abby
Rabbits foot for luck  / rabbits foot for lunch
Kool spelled with a “K”    / cool spelled with a “c”
Tricky / picky
Wood floors  /  wood stoves
Telepathy  / cell phones
Crocodile tears / John Boehner tears
The Five Satins / The Four Tops
Plastic surgery  / plastic dinnerware
April 1st  /  April 15th
Stick shift / automatic
Haiku  /  tweet
Clever  /  devious
Truck  /  car
Kickstart  /  button start
Cheesecake / cheese cake
Audrey Landers  /  Ann Landers
PBS documentaries  / PBS fund raising
Manhattan Island  /   Nantucket Island
The Good Wife  /  Stepford Wives
Chromebook  / Facebook
Dogwoods / dog slobber
Tolerance / intolerance
Spiders  /  ants
Bald heads  / shaved heads
Sloe-eyed  / cross-eyed
Ed McMahon  / Vince McMahon
Foxy  /  weasely
WW II  /  Gulf War II
Cleaning a wok  /  cleaning a cat pan
Andy Rooney  / Emily Rooney
Info  / infomercials
Sundial  / rolex
Tina  Fey  / Sarah Palin
Carburetors /  fuel injection
Harris tweed  /  Boss tweed
Obsession  / habit
Sales tax  / real estate tax
Sugarless gum  /  smokeless tobacco
Philanthropy  / philandery
Want  / need
Johnny Carson / Carson Daley
Air cooled  / water cooled
Visual  / tactile
Aerobics  / blue pills
Martina McBride /  Michele Bachmann
Propane  /   fuel oil
Snow shovel  /  snow plow
Lil' Kim / Kim Jong-un
Feuling  / fueling
Bridget Riley / Bill O’Reilly
Opinion / dogma
Military drones  / zoning board drones
Virology  /  scientology
Olive oil  / trans fat
Douglas DC-7C  /   Douglas DC-8
Dark chocolate  /  white chococlate
Bolt action  /  magazine
Orchids  /  lawn
Hilltop / oceanfront
Eco-tourism / Carnival cruise-ism
This site as a blog / this site to meet anybody

You   /   me  haha

A: Eggs Benedict

Q: What just mysteriously disappeared from Vatican menus?

You know it is time to quit removing snow by hand when

1. The Snowblower Manufacturer’s Association puts out a contract on you

2. The Calories Burned app on your Iwatch goes “ sproiiingg!”

3. The Higgs Boson takes pity on your misery and ends the universe early to shorten it.

4.  You buy out Walmart’s entire North American supply of capsacin patches.

5. You get nominated to the Prairie Dog Hall of Fame.

6. You change your name to Edgar Rice Burroughs.

7. You have pet names for each of your six snow shovels. And… (Drum roll)….

8. Your Cat Scan gets mistaken for Methuselah’s

A: Lululemon

Q: Who apparently now competes with Frederick's of Hollywood?

A: Ham Berger

Q: Who did Perry Mason almost always have for lunch?

A: Franken Storm

Q: What's the new Art Fern Teatime disaster flick starring:

Sandy Koufax
Sandy Duncan
Gale Storm
Curt Flood
Nathan Hale
Claude Rains
Jorge Mistral
Toto ...and
Olympia Snow

A: Oh, Global warming

Q: What'd you say when your mercator projection fell into the fireplace?

A: Carnival Cruise

Q: Recently, what is actually neither?

A: Dreamliner batteries

Q: What's got the shoe bomber green with envy?

A: Continuing Resolution

Q: What does Congress actually lack?

A: Hamboni

Q: What makes ice rinks the color of split pea soup?

A: Zamboni

Q: What do you ride in when you need to chill out?

A: The Dog Particle

Q: What rules the canine universe?

A: Nuthatch

Q: What song bird is rumored to lay cashews and pistachios?

A: Hail Mary pass

Q: What goes on at dating bars near closing time?

A: Death Cab for Cutie

Q: Describe the sad end of Eddie Cochran.

A: Unified Field Theory

Q: What falsely predicted that Fenway Park and Yankee Stadium would merge?

A: Sweetwater Rain

Q: What fell after the tornado tore through the stevia warehouse?

A: Charm offenisve

Q: What's the latest oxymoron to come out of Washington?

A: Scarlett Johansson

Q: Who should have played the lead in Red Widow?

A: Rhinovirus

Q: What disease jumped from odd-toed ungulates to man?

A: Puck Dynasty

Q: What's the new cable show about the hicks who make hockey sticks?

A: Slow N Quiet

Q: What's the new car show pitched at the senior set?

A: Bong

Q: What's the leading search engine for medical marijuana users?

A: ITeeth

Q: What's the latest line of Bluetooth-enabled dentures from Apple?

A: Herbadeath

Q: What's the new line of nutritional supplements from Dr. Kevorkian?

A: Elon Musk

Q: What's the latest thing in new car perfume?

A: Debt ceiling

Q: What do you paper with defaulted mortgages after you have run out of wall?

A: Liquidity trap

Q: Why does the economist think his drain is clogged?

A: Pancreatic cancer

Q: What apparently never heard of the Steve Jobs Reality Distortion field?

A: Mobile, Alabama

Q: Where was the cell phone invented?

A: Sole food

Q:; What does the podiatrist-turned cannibal eat? ...Eeiuuuw...

A: Keith Urban

Q: What country singer should REALLY change his name?