Why Aich Dee Suxs

Sadly -- what used to be an example of the best USA had to offer - -a proud American brand and provider of best-in-the-world heavy weight motorcycles is nor more. It has degenerated into an arrogant, litigious, greedy and megalomanic Milwaukee Wisc. monster. Why? Because this firm seems to think that it owns not only its factory and fixtures but also phony wussy petty intellectual things. Like names long ago in the public domain and noise that its motorcycles make. Here are two examples.

POTATO POTATO POTATO CANNOT BE TRADEMARKED
In a misguided attempt to enrich themselves, the Milwaukee Wisc. firm filed a questionable trademark application in 1994. They tried to register the sound of their motorcycle engines as they ran -- the "potato potato potato" exhaust note. To quote from the company’s registration application: ' The mark consists of the exhaust sound of applicant’s motorcycles...when the goods are in use.' This was an absurd overreach of rules and intellectual hijack because -- duuuh -- there had been many other vee-twin motorcycles on the market for years before and they all made a very similar noise. In fact, nine other motorcycle manufacturers banded together to oppose the application. They stated they all used vee-twin engines that made the same sound as the applicant's engines

The trademark registration application was denied by the USPTO.

"Hog" ISN'T THEIRS
The Milwaukee Wisc. firm sued Ronald Grottanelli d/b/a The Hog Farm to stop him, among other things, from using the name "Hog". But --duuh -- "Hog" had been part of the English language since 1500 AD. And, it had been used to describe any heavyweight motorcycle as early as 1965 in Newsweek magazine. Upon appeal, the court agreed that "Hog" had been used publicly to describe motorcycles decades before Harley registered it .To quote from that decision:

"Decision Reversed. Even the presumption of validity arising from federal registration cannot protect a mark that is shown on strong evidence to be generic as to the relevant category of products prior to the proprietor's trademark use and registration. Har*** did not use the term in reference to its products before the 1980s, but the term was in public use before then in reference to large motorcycles, so Grottanelli and other parties may use the term hog...."

On this count Grottanellii won. The Milwaukee Wisc. firm lost.

I rest my case. They suk.

And now a word from our sponsor....

http://www.zazzle.com/no_pork_vee_twin_motorcycle_engines_calendar-158775839356423129

OK 2DAY IT’S A RANT…

Brace yourself -- serious sniveling dead ahead…names change to protect the guilty...enhanced for effect...no guarantee any of this is even remotely the truth.

Like pets? My ideal pet is a 22 year old penthouse centerfold. And a youtube video of tropical fish. Being chased and devoured by Piranhas.

Dig dogs? Let me mind meld over to you the manifold times I been bitten, threatened, and harrassed by a supposedy family friend fido while merely waking on a public road minding my own business. Or had my only pair of pants sullied by dirty paws, slobbery mouths, a drippy wet nose that’s been places that would make a maggot gag and a mouth that fully smells like to five week old rotting chipmunk road kill it just ate. I now carry a yacht horn, a squeeze bottle of 50/50 ammonia mace mix, a laser taser and a portable nuclear device.

Love Nantucket? The real Nantucket vaporized around 1958 . (It had been a rundown has-been trawler port that stunk of fish scraps, coal dust, red tide, rancid sperm whale oil and rotting seaweed.) That’s when Green Stamp king Walter Beinecke decided to trash the place with a fancy marina and fake fisherman shacks turned into art gallery boutiques. In its place is a phony honky tonk theme park for super rich, ostentatious and obnoxious lawyers, chief execs and members of the New York Yacht Club-- who amuse themselves by suing each other over NIMBY, wrecking original colonial interiors, and thumbing their nose at the Historical Commission to put in hackneyed excessive self-indulgent “modern” kitchens.

Want a white knight – have I got a tour of the midnight sun you can go on.

Is traveling to exotic far-off romantic getaways your bent? Oh, then you must adore security pat downs, overflowing toilets, nine-hour waits, virus-laden cabin air and drunken pilots with I-Pod ADHD that over shoot airports and can’t actually fly with glass cockpit computers.

Do you want someone who is totally honest and open and sincere and truthful. Please get real. Life is a soap opera. Nobody’s perfect. Hypocrisy and self delusion are endemic and rampant in modern society.

Dislike cold? Then I guess you also anathematize the fall foliage, the spring orchids and White Christmasses that go along with New England weather. If so let me introduce you to my friend Mephistopheles who commutes regularly between the surface of Venus and El Azizia, Libya.

Longing for a long term relationship?. Okay, line forms to the right. And you can get inducted into the Hall of Infame of my previous significant others: washed-up exhibitionist pole dancer, desperate tachcardying housewife, serial adulteress and fellatrix, psychotic school teacher, biker chick…do you think this is the long tale of the bell curve of normality??!!

Oh, so you deem this unritualistic regurgitation as the much-vaunted over-heralded, “ inappropriate behavior”? Okay, then there is a button right next to that I want you to push. Its labeled “ Thermonuclear Armageddon – because our mutual self-destruction is assured. “ Inappropriate behavior” is just the kind of mealy mouthed, says-nothing, self-righteous, condescending, psycho-babble jibber-jabber that is dumbing down and screwing up our reality beyond all repair. It is the abject quackery practiced by Dr. Phil, the ludicrous pop justice dispensed by Judge Judy and the impeccable moral standards adhered to by Raj Rajratnam.

Think I am bitter? Suspect I am sarcastic? Do I sound a teeny tiny tad ticked off? Guilty as charged, right on the money, you hit the bullseye.

I’ve undergone two IRS audits, a contentious divorce with legal bills more than half way to seven figures, a mini-computer industry downsize reduction in workforce, and a badly bungled inheritance. I have been afflicted with lyme disease, male pattern baldness, tinnitus, tennis elbow, fallen arches, low-T and enamel erosion. Not enough? Add a subluxated sacroiliac, bilateral blepharitis and NordicTrack-induced metatarsalgia. My car’s been towed, truck wrecked, basement flooded and apartment cleaned out by thieves. I've been cuckolded, abandoned, extorted from and involuntarily drugged. I’ve had a 40B condo built in my back yard, a quarter acres of trees cut down and stolen, an ice storm that canceled modern civilization for two weeks, a hurricane that turned tall oaks horizontal and a colony of deer-mice that transmogrified a functioning automobile into a rodent amusement park and bathroom.

Somehow I am still standing, sensate and solvent. I think.

Okay I am done here. Rant ovah!

Hey, fly me Pt. 9 How not to get a date at match dot com

Ms. Earhart, Mr Hughes is on the Line....

Long departed soul of reclusive eccentric gearhead (actually, propeller head) quadrillionaire who is also….

an adderall addled, anxiety afflicted, anorexic autuer, aviation archeologist and antipasto –phile….

Seeking to sonar side scan entire Pacific Ocean at matchstick resolution in vain fruitless -- but vegetable rich -- quest.

Objective: to blunder into, stumble upon, devilishly devine or otherwise prestidigitate location of Lockheed Electra entombing body and perhaps spirit of auburn-tressed aviatrix --

-- and her alcoholic incompetent navigator with the same name as my ex-wife's family - how fitting is that.

If successful, Mr. Hughes hopes he can commit financial suicide sans moribundity (since he is already dead, duh) with Ms. Earhart by performing a prenuptial-free complete commingling of assets.

Mr Hughes proffers these advantages to willing supplicants:

** not constrained by petty physical laws, the arrow of time or SEC Reg. FD
** has Wiley Post, Lou Rukeyser, Uncle Scrooge and Carol Doda on speed dial
** does not believe in the space time continuum, sanctity of marriage, the american dream or santa claus
** exhalts insider trading, violation of attorney client privilege and littering of public highways

Full disclosure: yes google is paying me a commission for searches, so wear out that right mouse click ladies.

Email is not necessary as Mr. Hughes will cruise in from the aether in his XF-11 and invade your mind.

Strong buy on this stock Pt 7.How not to get a date at match dot com

Hot stock tip! Strong Buy: When The Smog Clears, Inc. (NASDAQ ticker: UCLA)

When The Smog Clears, Inc. just went public. Here is the analyst's report.

UCLA has a good looking chart - especially relative strength index, moving average convergence, positive money flow ; low implied volatility. [ Translation: this "security" lifts weights every 4-5 days, walks 3-5 miles daily, has income and is loyal / faithful / forgiving perhaps to a fault sometimes.]

UCLA has an attractively low price/earnings ratio plus pristine balance sheet. [Translation -- lo maintenance, can make perhaps gobs of money under the right conditions, was instilled with personal hygiene from youth - father was a virologist in the age of polio.]

Compulsory REG. FD (full disclosure): UCLA is actually 121 years old but recently had a face, brain and psyche lift. The "before" photo was so ugly that Match refused to upload it.

UCLA is kinda the neighborhood wild child among securities. Sometimes eccentric, quixotic and arcane, but not that difficult nor obstreperous. A creative country cowboy tech-maven gearhead. But UCLA has a heart of pure exchange traded fund GLD. UCLA has been the rumored target of a take over by Bad Girl, Inc, [We deem this eventuality unlikely because the confluence of similar forces would generate a rip in the space time continuum strong enough to destroy the universe.]

This security is appropriate for high risk accounts of big city girls and business women who desire a walk on the wild side and /or an occasional serene sojourn out in the boondocks. (Um gee are not those two mutually exclusive? Find out!)

A Gearhead personal Pt. 6 How not to get a date at match dot com

Hard-core lead-foot gear-head macho musclecar male enlisting edgy trophy-girl / calendar-model type to ride shot gun at the NHRA Funny Car Nationals . Must be top heavy; able to with stand excess lateral G-force; enjoy the aroma of propylene oxide and nitromethane; and deploy trashy lingerie, stilletto heels and excess eye-shadow on a moments notice and a regular basis.

Job duties include flashing truckers, taking champagne showers and conducting private pole and victory lap dances.

My history of everything Pt. 5 How not to get a date at match dot com

Kinda chiseled cranky cute creative codger seeks semi-saint with secret scandalous sultry sinner streak

Or...

Rather rough-hewn roustabout reprobate writer requires rare respectable but risque randy rose..

Okay now that we have the gratuitous alliteration out of the way, on to the matter at hand...

EXECUTIVE ABSTRACT/SUMMARY:
Ancient designer just awoke, can't cope with the 21st Century, needs revivification...

THE DRILL DOWN:
Perhaps a bit of history maybe illustrative of my plight.

The first thing I remember was a loud “snap”. My ears still ring from that. Mom, Aphrodite, told me it was the big bang universe popping into existence. My Dad, Zeus, had been working in the garage forever on this project. He finally got lucky.

One of my earlier fondest memories was when fire arrived. Yum – cooked meat. Some Hepcat invented it down in Tierra del Fuego, it went viral and arrived at our cave just four scant centuries later.

Moving right along, my teens saw the invention of movable type by an German dude. It was a mixed blessing in our household because it permanently “retired”’ my Dad who was the fastest granite-tablet chiseler in the hemisphere. Lightning bolts, you know. Being a God was no match for technological change

Later as shots were fired in Lincoln and Concord (Massachusetts not New Hampshire, ma’am) I fell into a slumber of several hundred decades after reading about Rip Van Winkle. Slept fitfully, woke up very century or so – and then again last Tuesday. I had heard about books putting you to sleep but that was some soporific, huh?

Okay, so here is my problem. Among other things, I am confused about these here airplanes. Where are their propellers and round engines. And the car out in front has neither three-on-the column nor four-on-the floor. How in Haedes do you shift it? I tried to go to the New York Public Library but I could not find a steam train to take me there. Just something slippery, silent and weird called the Excella or something like that.

I finally got there, but the Libe had a sign on the door saying it was closed due to the world wide web. I don’t see any fishermans’ nets anywhere?

So, help! I need a modern woman to bring me into the 21st century

Now I'm a chauffeur Pt. 4 How not to get a date at match dot com

Maxxinista chaufferage offered

Strong silent taciturn gearhead driver type available. Objective: to whisk, deliver and otherwise ferry fine fully-featured foxy female clients to de rigeur shopping locations hither and yon. Has Nordstrom, Filenes, and Chicos locations nationwide already programmed into GPS.

One hundred twenty one (121) years old but has undergone recent face, body, psyche and cerebellum lift. ["Before" photo broke the Match upload function.] Effortlessly carries multiple heavy shopping bags in one hand while holding door open for clients with the other. Successfully chews gum while walking. Does not drive while texting. Can:

-- double clutch manual transmission Big Rigs
-- operate Electrolux vacuums
-- pilot horseless carriages
-- charge Tesla Roadsters
-- fly Ford Tri-motors
-- engineer 4-8-4 Northern steam locomotives
-- commandeer Space Shuttles; and
-- reboot Windows XP.

Capable of swapping-out spark plugs, parallel parking, hand-prop starting antique airplanes and designing websites in html. (Timing belt replacement, brake rotor turning and javascript programing have been discontinued.)

Has polysyllabic comprehension capability. Can listen, and occasionally respond, to simple spoken commands. Understands the use of self timers on digital cameras. Alters mountains, removes red eye and photoshops ex-spouses. Capable of distinguishing right from wrong. But never judging same. Stop-and-actually-ask-for-directions and read-the-instruction-manual fail-safe modes are available for a nominal service upcharge.

The driver unit has these further desirable features:

** Removes leaves with rake (not leaf blower)
** Can hand snowshovel 850 foot drive way
** Can treat resultant tennis elbow with advil
** Can next time use the snowblower, macho dummy
** Sorts recyclables and takes out trash
** Lowers toilet seat after each use
** Spectator sport time-limit governed
** Client programmable hair length, uniform, aftershave
** Levitra, lipitor and lexapro free
** Wears antiperspirant
** Uses fabric softener
** Urinal phobic
** Can fold sheets and launders Sta-Prest shirts
** Carries road rage immunity
** Will not equate chronic fatigue syndrome w/yuppie flu
** Brakes for small roadside mammals and amphibians
** Hates professional ice hockey and BBQ chicken wings

Supply is limited. Reserve yours now!
**********
Press release – for immediate release

New and improved Maxxinista Chauffeur Driver Unit

News flash for ladies who like to shop but not drive. Maxxinista Chauffeurage LLC. announces this morning the immediate availability of it’s new, surgically enhanced and bovine growth hormore free Driver Unit, release Mk 2.1666. The latest revision provides the following deliverables women clients have been clamnoring for:

>> Bronze-skinned Chippendale dancer emulation
>> Capability of hogging all electronic remotes now disabled
>> User-selectable multiple monikers now include Jeeves, Yo, Hey Boy, Killer and Fang
>> Compatible with skim milk, turkey bacon and non-fat yogurt
>> Incompatible to rotweilers, come as you are parties, and trans fat
>> BMI reduced to 20.8
>> Can light charcoal solely by friction
>> Browser has Groupon website bookmarked
>> Successfully packs (cajoles) Kate Middleton’s wardrobe, chapel decor and entourage into Kia Sportage
>> Delilah-adjustable sideburn length
>> Vehicle possesses shot gun seat virginity; deflowing discount still available
>> Kicks over Harleys, pull starts 13 HP snowblowers and hand cranks MGB’s
>> Scans kodachrome, digitizes RTR music tapes, spot retouches nitrate film stock

Maxxinista Chauffeurage LLC is public company whose shares are thinly traded on the national stock exchanges of Atlantis, Vandelay, and Pago Pago.

*************