Cornish game hen. What did the dummy think was a really underfed chicken?

Skin in the game. What's a new Olympic sport for human taxidermy?

I'm getting tired. What did the excited Ford say is it neared the end of the assembly line?

I'm getting tired. What did one overworked Goodyear factory worker say to the other?

Bulls and bears. What does the vegan stock Market Trader have nightmares about?

Notches in the bedpost. What's in the termites Hall of Fame?

Pie in the Sky. What happened after the tornado hit the Pizza Factory?

I've got all the time in the world. What did the herb hoarder  say?

I've got a frog in my throat. What did one amphibian cannibal say to the other?

Cat got your tongue. What happened after you participated in the first inter-species organ transplant?

Lower the boom. What's it seem like the Federal Reserve always wants to do?

Big noise from Winnetka. What happened after someone tried to light a fart at a Midwest fireworks Factory?

Fell off the wagon. What did they say about the drunken Stagecoach driver?

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. What did the drunkard say to his reluctant girlfriend?

Wait, Watchers. What did the Peeping Tom say to his fellow night time joggers?

A hot mess. What's the Florida cafeteria chain without air conditioning?

Tootsie Rolls. What did the candy magnate call his fancy Town Car?

Jawbone of an ass. What was the weapon to Samson and a body part of Trump?

We're on a roll. What did one hot dog say to another?

You've got a lot on your plate. What did the envious hungry land cannibal say to his colleague?

Tulane University. At what college do they hate superhighways?

I will brook no compromise. What did the intransigent river say to the stubborn stream?

The Tower of Babel. Where do compulsive talkers live?

Coupe de Gras. What does a French lawnmower do?

Breaking up is hard to do. What did one drifting continent say to the other?

The cold hard truth. What do you get when you add sodium pentathol to your Popsicle mix?

Westward Ho. What did you tell your garden tool that wants to see the Pacific Ocean?

Kissing your dog. What's the equivalent of licking the toilet bowl?

Sing Sing prison. Where did Alan Freed go after being convicted of Payola?

Love is Blind. What happened after Courtney and Darlene forgot to take their glaucoma meds?

The jury is out. What happened when 12 people tried to slide into Home Plate at the same time?

No rhyme nor reason. What happened after the dummy tried to become a poet and a philosopher at the same time?

The Platters The Coasters and The Loving Spoonful. Name three vocal groups in the table setting Hall of Fame?

The planet Pluto. What orbits Sirius the dog star?

Chicken Little. What did the dummy call a Cornish game hen?

Guitar , ice and nose. What are three kinds of picks?

Couldn't see the forest for the trees. What happened when Mr . Magoo became a lumberjack?

The big band era. When did elastics rule the world?

One two punch. What was the mathematicians favorite drink?

A rolling stone gathers no Moss. Explain why Mick Jagger does not have a herbarium.

It's about time. What was a ruminating Einstein once heard to say?

General Store. Where can you shop for MacArthur Eisenhower Patton and Mattis?

Business is booming. What did the successful fireworks Factory report?

China Syndrome. What do you get from eating off fine porcelain?

Kelvinator. Who is first cousin to the Governator?

Leaning Tower of Pisa. What's the Tower of London pushed over a notch?

Hobby horse. What's  a rocking chair kicked up a notch?

Hobby horse. What's  a rocking chair kicked up a notch?

Rocking chair. Where did Chuck Berry spend his declining years?

Penny Lane. granddaughter of dollar bill?

Abbey Road. Who is Lois Lane's half-sister?

Clockwork Orange. What happened after vandals got loose in the gear Factory?

The missionary position. What is tantric yoga kicked down a big notch?

Hully Gully. What's left after eating popcorn in a riverbed?

The twist. What do tornadoes, barber poles and drill bits have in common?

Sock hop. Where do rabbits in anklets go to dance?

Catnip. What does your Fluffy carry around in her hip flask?

Tiger lily. What happened after the dog tooth Violet took steroids?

Kidnapping. Describe your daughter sleeping in the afternoon?

Home invasion. What's carjacking kicked up a notch?

Carjacking. What's step one in fixing a flat tire?

,

Boob tube. What's the new show on the Playboy Channel?

Split personality. What do banana desserts and fireplace logs have in common?

Good enough for government work. What was the designer of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge heard to say?

Point man. Who's the new superhero that's a pencil in ordinary life?

Gravely ill. What did you say when your two wheel tractor broke down?

Onanism. What's the worship of home generators called?

Indian burn. What'd they call the big fire on the reservation?

Shrinking violet. What's in your psychiatrist's corsage?

Gun-shy. What do you call a bashful assault rifle?

Ambulance chaser. What do you down after that fire truck hi ball.?

Quaalude. Who's the new bird star in the p*** industry

Dead men tell no Tales. Why did the zombie novelist have to find a new line of work?

The no Spin Zone. What did the super glue flood turn the yoyo factory into?

12 story building. What do you call a library that has only a dozen books?

12-step program. Why are you go if you need help with compulsive stair climbing?

Nightclub bouncer. What's the rubber ball moonlight as?

Breakfast of Champions. What do cannibals start off the day with?

Dialing for Dollars. What's drop a dime kicked up a notch?

Honk if you're horny. What did the bugle say to the goose?

Demolition derby. What's the headgear for the wrecking ball operator?

Salt of the earth. What does the hypertensive planet have too much of on its food?

Cat call. What do telephones like for chinese lunch?

Rec room. Where do you wait in a junkyard?

Bell pepper. What did they serve for lunch at ding dong School?

American Chopper. What did the Patriot rename is Cuisinart?

Cauliflower. What do telephones like to wear as a corsage?

Knuckle sandwich. What's the cannibals favorite finger food?

Hooligans. What was the name of the all owl baseball team?

Crunch time. What did the candy bar and the wristwatch call they're first born?

Shoe horn. What plays in an apparel orchestra?

Peking Duck. What did you call out when someone took potshots at the Chinese City?

Count down. What British royalty is also known as the Duke of ducks and geese?

Shoe tree. What holds Footwear and grows in an apparel Forest?

Law practice. What never makes perfect?

Asteroid belt. What holds up the astronomers pants?

Time Heals all wounds. Why did the osteopath wrap your broken arm in a magazine?

Pass the bar. What's impossible for the wino to do?

Oil on the water. What happened when the truck carrying salad dressing went off the bridge?

Constant Comment. What's the beverage of manic conversationalists?

The buck stops here. What did one doe in estrus say to another?

Boston Post Road. Where do frequent bloggers live?

Home sweet home. Where are Splenda and Stevia shacked up at?

Gallup poll. What's outside the race horses Barbershop?

Solar panel. What did the Sun Betelgeuse and Alpha Centauri sit on?

Fortune 500. What did the dummy think was a lot of money?

Three sheets to the wind. Describe the hobos sailboat.

Sperm bank. Where did Moby Dick keep his money?

Bipolar. What malady does every planet have?

Taken to the wood shed. What did the lonely log hope for?

Paradise. What do you shoot craps with?

Sunshine. What's illegal booze made during the day?

A real tongue twister. What'd the dentist say when he found a tornado in your mouth?

Tandem bicycle. What did the Minotaur have to ride?7

A riveting story. What did Rosie call her training manual?

Drill baby drill. What was the war cry of the overzealous dentist?

Dodgeball. Where did Lee Iacocca dance like Elaine Benes?

Hi 4. How do smurfs greet each other?

Cat got your tongue. What happened after fluffy needed an oral organ transplant?7

Paola. What do the Nickelodeon in the Jukebox have in common

Capital punishment. What happened after Albany was really naughty?

Joint venture. What'd the new marijuana company call itself?

Stop waffling about it. What did you tell the indecisive breakfast cereal?

Hail Mary pass. What goes on in the dating bar around closing time?

That's a wrap. What were the dying words of the urban musician?

The u.s. mint. What did Donald Trump call his herb garden?

Catcher in the Rye. Describe Yogi Berrah falling in a swimming pool of liquor.

Cauliflower. What did the geneticists get when they crossed they crossed a long-haired dog with a rose bush?

Chinese fire drill. What do they very often conduct in Beijing skyscrapers?

A salt and Battery. Who inspired the movie The Odd Couple?

Monster Mash. What was Godzilla's favorite potato recipe?

An apple a day. What was the car crusher's favorite daily snack?

Roquefort. What's the world's largest building made out of cheese?

Baby shower. What happened after the tornado hit the nursery?

Rain of Ruin. What happened after the tornado hit the junkyard?

Tap & Die. What did you hope the evil dancer would do?

No Spin Zone. Where did the hoarder keep all his broken record players?

Funny Farm. Where do comedians go for Rehab?

Waco Texas. Where were Fruit Loops invented?

Lost my keys. What did Mozart say after they stole his piano?

Motel 6. Where do traveling numerologists stay?

Motel 6. What's Holiday Inn kicked down a notch?

Dog days of summer. When do Rover and Fido get their vacation?

Baked Alaska. What's the new consequence of global warming?

Gun-shy. What do you call a bashful assault rifle?

Life on Mars. What'd you say when cooties find a home in a Hershey bar?

Home sweet home. What do cooties fondly call their new residence?

Splitsville. Where do banana deserts live?

Chicken fried steak. What food's got an identity crisis?

Dirty laundry. What'd the paparazzi catch Mr. Clean wearing?

All wound up. What happened when the alarm clock drank too much coffee?

Shooting fish in a barrel. How did Mr. Magoo get seafood for his hungry family?

The devil you know. Who lives in The onferno next door?

Rubber room. Where did senile Charles Goodyear finally end up?

The Whig party. Who thought toupee's should be given the right to vote?

Blind alley. What was Helen Keller's first address?

The final solution. What did the drunkard call his 40th mixed drink of the night?

Pie in the sky. What did Amelia Earhart like to eat for lunch?

Mile high club. What do you call a very very long sheleighly?

7-Eleven store. Who sells only lucky numbers?

Steering committee. What caused the Queen Mary's very erratic route??

Lumber along. What does a very slow moving log truck do?

Jumbotron. What's the next thing that physicists are looking for after the Higgs boson?

Jackfruit. What did Kennedy have for breakfast?

Days of Wine and Roses. What did the alcoholic gardner dream about?

Rude Awakening. What happens after impolite sleep?

Egg him on. What did one pugnacious rooster do to the other?

Antonym rights rant

Why is there port wine but no starboard wine?

Why are there civil rights but no civil lefts?

Why was there an Oldsmobile but no News mobile?

Why are there newspapers but no olds papers?

Why are there leftovers but no right overs?

Why are there niceties but no meanities ?

Why are there Dry Goods but no dry bad's?

Why are there rich foods but not poor poods?

Why does a robber remain at large but not at small?

Why is it a good looking person beautiful, but an ugly person not Beauty empty?

Why do children not grow up into adultren?

Why do animals play dead but not work dead?

Philco predicta. What did Nostradamus have for a TV? 

Hail hail the gang's all here. What did one festive ice ball say to another?

 Donald Trump. Who should go back to manufacturing playing cards?

Donald Duck. What did you say when someone took a potshot at the Pres?

Musical chairs. What do orchestras sit on?

20th Century Fox. What do you call a rather old vixen?

Proboscis monkey. What was Jimmy durante's great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great  grandfather?

Summer squash. What do you get  when June July and August get run over?

Cherry tomato. What fruit has an identity crisis?

Pig pen. What writing instrument has an identity crisis?

Sinbad the Sailor. Who was too often wrongly accused?

City and eastern. What should they call rap music?

Trade Wars. What happens when you barter Crimean for civil?

Def Leppard. What big cat forgot to wear hearing protection?

Chinese checkers. Who are Oriental and do quality control?

Caine Mutiny. What happens when sugar got rebellious?

A: A barrel of monkeys 

Q: What did Peta file suit over 

A: Brexit 

Q: what happened when you had to leave brunch in a hurry 

A: Bow Wow 

Q: what happened when the Starlet flashed the.queen

A: making hay while the sun shines

Q: describe the new legal pot industry 

A: Foreigner 

Q:what rock group never played the song we're an American band 

A: Neuritis and neuralgia

Q: What was the duo Rock Duo that sang about pain in my heart

A: The playgrounds fine and it's all mine

Q : what did the Young Donald Trump say 

Heaven Sent. What aftershave does God wear

Bada bing. What's the search engine for strip clubs

Paradox. What did the twin oncologists call their practice?

Bureau drawer. What does the FBI call their best sketch artist?

Paintball. Where did Sherwin Williams dance with Benjamin Moore?

Cardiologist. Who specializes in ill polker decks?

Trial balloon. What did they bring to Clarence Darrow's birthday party?

Fortune cookie. What's in oreo iced with gold leaf called?

Mile high club. What did Motel on the mountain change its name to?

Medicare. What isn't medical and doesn't care?

Screen time. What does the porch installer bill for?

Finagle a Bagel. What did the muffin man's evil twin do?

Filing cabinets. What does a woodworker spend a lot of time doing?

2nd down. What's a goose grow after being shaved?

Overdue bill. What did the duck send the tardy woodpecker?

Bird of prey. What did the minister call his pet falcon?

Stephen Hawking. What did the cosmologist call his pet falcon?

Hate crime. What does every good cop do?

Insomnia in Indianapolis. What did they first call Sleepless in Seattle?

Don't bolt your food. What did Mama lightning tell its hungry son?

The devil and the deep blue sea. Who quickly ended up in divorce court?

Friends in high places. Who were Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay?

Low blow. What happened when  the hurricane went into Death Valley?

Money doesn't grow on trees. What did the botanist tell the currency Trader?

Board of directors. What do sometimes impatient Hollywood starlets get?

High crimes and misdemeanors. What happened when the crooks climbed Mount Everest?

Crime wave. What happened when the crooks surfed at Oahu?

Penny Lane. What's not exactly paved in gold?

Dirty copper. What happened when the plumbing supply got flooded?

Plumbob. What do you get when you cross a fruit and a home improvement Guru?

Tall tale. What does a giraffe have?

Heptane Highway. What was the first name of Gasoline Alley?

96 Tears. What did the numerologist crocodile shed?

Zebra. What is the mother of all cup sizes?

Crime and punishment and love and marriage. What are pretty much the same thing?

Quickie divorce. What do lawyers often have nightmares about?

Eyeball. Where did Foster Grant dance with Bausch & Lomb?

Mark, Cuban. What do you tell Fidel Castro to do with his highlighter?

Wool over your eyes. What do you grow if you want impersonate Groucho Marx?

Boll weevils. Who came up with the name cotton candy?

Strip mine. What's the new chain of gentlemens clubs in West Virginia?

Mountain lion. What did you think when Pikes Peak told a fib?

House of the Rising Sun. Where did Jesus go to buy his return ticket to heaven?

Arabian Nights. How did King Arthur's Round Table demonstrate diversity?

40 days and 40 nights. Describe Mickey Rooney's longest marriage?

Leper colony. Where do sick frogs go?

Quaalude. What's the stage name of the parakeet pornstar?

Jam session. What did the marmalade, the preserve and the jelly jar sit in on?

The Spruce Goose. What happens when pine trees get frisky?

Bar exam. What did the Lush pass with flying colors?

What's the name of the bird mobster? Robin Hood.

Corn Maize and water fountain. What did the tautologist have in his backyard?

Polka dot. What was dancing Dorothy's nickname?

1941 Willys. Who attended the big Bill convention?

Stop watch. What did you Proclaim as your Rolex ran away?

President's cabinet. Where does Trump 

Store his Jack Daniels?

Hush money. What do you say when your wad of fifties talks too much?

Lifeguard. What do you get when you cross breakfast cereal and underarm deodorant?

Banana peel. What did you tell The Reluctant fruit stripper to do?

FaceTime. What does the cosmetologist bill for?

Sox appeal. What made the stocking fall in love with a legging?

Fortune cookie. What's the only thing that Trump knows how to bake?

Spy glasses. What did the optometrist prescribe to mata hari?

Cubicle. Where was Picasso born and brought up?

A: Idlewild 

Q: What do you call an untamed slacker?

A: Dulcimer 

Q: What's the most boring musical instrument? 

A: Sausalito 

Q: What's the new brand of tiny cocktail weiners?

A: Marinade

Q: What's the hot new drink in Sausalito? 

A: Battering ram 

Q: What's the first step to making deep fried mutton?

A: Cool Hand Luke

Q: Which of Jesus's disciples lived in Siberia

A: Horn of Plenty

Q: What happens when you cross cornucopia with smorgasbord

A: Bugs Bunny

Q: What did Oswald the Rabbit call his tick infested cousin?

A: Hail to the Chief 

Q: What did the Ice Company try to deliver to Donald Trump?

A: Plastic surgery 

Q: What did the injured Tupperware need?

A:  Soap opera 

Q:  What starred Tide, Wisk and Fels-Naptha?

A: Horse latitudes 

Q:  Where should the Kentucky Derby move to?

A:  Stink up the house

Q:  What did the flatulent carpenter do?

 A:  Something's rotten in the state of Denmark

Q: What did the very queasy Viking proclaim?

Q:  Fast food. 

A: What did Campbell Soup call its new race car?

 

 

A:  Alphabet soup. 

Q: What's the new chain of casual dining libraries?

A:  Electric chair. 

Q:  What does Elon Musk call his new line of furniture?

A:  Phlebitis

Q:  What involves neither a flea nor bite?

A: War Games. Health Care. Still rivers run deep. Rodeo Drive.

Q:  Describe four Oxymorons

A: IHop. 

Q:  Where can you get rabbit stew and Kangaroo steak?

A:  Traffic jam

Q:  What do you spread on highway toast?

A:  Cubism

Q: What do you get when you combine geometry and religion?

A: A fine line

Q: What was Jackson Pollock never accused of drawing?

A: Here's Johnny

Q: What do you say when you introduce your new bathroom?

A: Heat Wave. 

Q: How does an oven greet a fireplace?

A: Wire Haired Terrier. 

Q: What's the new mascot for Brillo soap pads?

A: Peppermint. 

Q: What do you get when you cross a spice with an herb ?

A: Retraction 

Q: What do seat belts and sloppy journalists have in common ?

A:  Kool Aide 

Q; What was the benefit held for sick air conditioners? 

A: Grease monkey 

Q: Who's the official mascot of Jiffy Lube?

A: Airedale 

Q: What did Chuck Yeager name his dog?

A: Hirsute 

Q: What did the mannish woman like to wear?

A: Doctor Quack 

Q: What's the new chain of duck veterinarians?  

A: Quark

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a duck?

A: Rainbow 

Q: What do you wrap a gift of sping water with? 

A: House of Cards

Q: Where do old comedians go?

A: Poison pen letter 

Q: What's written in strychnine ink?

A: Dawn breaks

Q: What's the opposite of night falls

A: Knight falls 

Q: What'd you say when Gladys stumbled ?

A: Fake news

Q: What's printed with disappearing ink?

A: Ball and chains 

Q: What's the new sport for convicts?

 A : Deadline 

Q: What's the name of the pencil cemetery? 

A: Flying carpet 

Q: What are Trump's plans for a revamped Air Force One? 

A: Root beer 

Q: Why did the mole join AA?

A: Here today, gone tomorrow 

Q: What's the mission statement of Fly-by-night Industries? 

 A: Car 54 Where Are You

Q: What did an anxious  Preston Tucker 

say ?

A: Bats in the belfry

Q: What was the Yankee equipment manager's ransom plan?

A: Hashtag 

Q: What's the game shredded potatoes and meat patties play?

A: Witch Hunt 

Q: Describe the broom factory's marketing plan.

A: Carson 

Q: What was Plan B for the name of the Edsel?

A: Orange Julius 

Q: What happened when Caesar over did the tanning butter?

A: Burrito

Q: What happened after momma and papa burro got frisky?