Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Predictions for 2012 Biker Build Off

Assumption:

(a) Cafe racers s*ck. This is America, not Europe. Remember -- Dwight Eisenhauer and his vaunted  interstate highway system? Do any of us want to ride for days in a way that points our rear ends up towards the planet Pluto? That knocks out Jesse James and OCC.

(b) If it is not even close to street legal -- it is a toy, not a motorcycle, No headlight? No tail light? That knocks out OCC. Again. Bonus points to Gas Monky for riding their machine all the way in. They did get written up for a vertical license plate. (And had to see an audiologist for tinnitus.) But, at least they had one.

(c) Steepo stubby front ends bl*w. If you want to build a dirt racer -- fine, just stay off the street with that  fork that looks like it got stoved in from a curb. Or do you wanna visit Speed Wobbel (sic) City? Just after After Deadmans Curve? And watch all our insurance rates go up? That knocks out Jesse James. Again.

(d) A deadline is a deadline. Note the use of the word "dead".  Jesse James was not done. And OCC used a producer-wimp-out-deadline extension to do more work on their bike. That is almost as wimpy as JJ's perpetual whining about anything and EVERYTHING. They are both knocked out, yet again.

(e) This competition is supposed to be the Ne Plus Ultra.in Gearheadom. Gas Monky's theme of original vintage is the right direction -- but they needed to step up their game. Like about 40 stories, ya think. The ideal hot rod retro ride would have had a 1963 (only year with twin external oilers) Panhead engine stuffed into a VL frame, with XA springer front end , and a Baker 6 speed into four tranny . Plus a dual carb conversion would have been nice. I like what they did do. But for this contest they could not get the quick  rebuild-and-flip mentality out of their mind. The result is just not trick or sick enough.

(f) Points off to Paul Jr.'s for annoying fakery. The four exhaust pipes pipes assume a four cylinder engine. Not a mere twin. Why not use all that engineering capability to build an inline Four with Milwaukee-vintage jugs and heads. I know just the shop across town  that could water-jet and CNC-whittle the crankcase out of billet. Oops. I forgot. You are not on speaking terms.

My Winner?  Paul Jr's. Kind of by default. Its styling is a love it or hate it proposition. If they had used an inline four cylinder engine it would have been a home run.


A: Grover Norquist

Q: Who is the evil Muppet illegitimately spawned by Ebenezer Scrooge and Leona Helmsley?

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Friday, November 23, 2012

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Kool-aid

What did the Tea Party drink too much of?

Friday, November 9, 2012

A: Facetious

Q: What did the Timur Ruby call the Hope Diamond?

A: They all got stoned

Q:  What happened to the immigrants unwelcome in Colorado?

Friday, November 2, 2012

A: My heart goes out to you

Q: What did the transplant donor say to the recipient?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

This just in

1. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

2.  Dan Quayle is still no Jack Kennedy.

A: LinkedIn

Q: How do chain gang members feel?

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

A: Constitutional

Q: What kind of daily walk did the Founding Fathers take?

Monday, September 17, 2012

A: Groupon Poupon coupon

Q. How do you score the best deal on dijon mustard?

Friday, August 31, 2012

A: Abyss-mal

Q: How does a chasm feel in the midst of the flu?

A: Channeling Ronald Reagan

Q: What was Clint Eastwood doing last night?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Webinar

What do you call a frog,duck and spider convention?

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Aleppo

Who is the Marx's brothers long lost Syrian rebel cousin?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Aggregate

What's the scandal that rocked the concrete industry?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Caw rate neo

What do cheapie TV ads say too often?

Chippendale

What furniture is made by cute small rodents?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Buick stops here

What'd you proclaim when your Roadmaster crashed into a brick wall?

It was The Bain of my existence

What is Mitt Romney muttering to himself ?

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Oval Office

What place has no corners to cower in fear?

Wheelock College

Where was the Denver Boot actually invented?

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The Higgs Bozo

Who's the clown particle really in charge of this sorry universe?

Conway Twitty

With a name like that -- who has to be a good singer?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Cliff Notes

After all the tax cuts expire, what will be our new national anthem?

The Car-dashians

What family made millions on walnut burls for Bentleys?

Leap second

What does a follower frog always do?

Saturday, June 30, 2012

What Letterman's Top Ten overlooked last night...


Spiderman suffers from Arachnophobia

Goofy is developmentally delayed

Mr. Magoo cheated on his driver’s license test

Gladstone Gander wears a toupee

Donald Duck is going to a speech therapist and anger manager

Rocky takes ginger for motion sickness

Black Pete once  failed to make it as a Werewolfe

Batman has tinnitus

Rat Fink daylights as a kindergarten crossing guard

(drum roll)

Bugs Bunny is now in assisted living due to Hypervitaminosis A

A dummy weighs in on Obamacare


Okay so I heard some judge somewhere has just ruled that Obamacare is not unconstitutional. Because it is a tax.

And of course Congress has the right to tax. Anything and anybody. Including doing nothing at all. Including existing. I guess a tax on the miniscule warp in space time around one’s body mass will be next down the pike..

But gee -- I also heard there is a law called the Anti-Injunction Act. It prohibits a tax increase from being disputed legally until the tax is actually levied. I mean -- duh -- that would be like asking for an audit on next years next income tax. Or an abatement on your real estate tax in, say 2024.

And because the “individual mandate” of Obamacare doesn’t kick in until 2014, no one has actually paid the penalty yet.

So the only way this judge could take this case was if the question was not about any tax. If the penalty was a penalty. And stayed that way.

But niewww... then he rules the penalty is a tax. But it hasn’t been paid by anyone. And remember this "tax" (formerly penalty) cannot be disputed. Which means he can not rule on it yet.

Um this vaguely sounds like a dog chasing his tail. Or sawing off the tree limb you are sitting on. I think they call it a circular argument.

Of course I am not surprised that some lowly hack district Federal judge would come out with such a preposterous tortured piece of illogic and garbage jurisprudence.

Surely saner heads will prevail.

This whole mess will get appealed all the way to the Supreme Court ….

and THEY will get it right. Sure.

Just like they ruled the Bill of Rights applies to corporations.

He came up short

Why did Katie Holmes file for divorce?

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Anne Curry

Who is apparently going back to spicy Far East cuisine?

Marooned!

What'd you say when you were shipwrecked with bottle of burgundy and a bolt of funeral bunting?

The London Whale

What swamped Jamie Dimon's' dingy?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Top ten reasons to be cell phone adverse


10. Walking’s better exercise than calling a tow truck
9. Your mother-in-law has you on speed dial
8. EMP from a terrorist nuke could happen at any time now
7. Using semaphores helps build your upper body
6. Texting is more fun using alphabet soup
5. Mental telepathy does not drop calls
4. At least your hottie can’t dump you via SMS
3. Your parole office can’t track you
2. QR codes are soo mysterious. Why spoil that? and
(drum roll)
1. Smoke signaling is very retro kool.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fast and Furious

At what speed do guns walk ?

Contempt of Congress

Given the recent 17% approval rating by the public, what are most of us guilty of -- along with Eric Holder?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Bank of brinkruptcy

What did the dyslexic say was his perilous financial situation?

Dunkin Dounts

What is the breakfast of basketball stars?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The drug companies say, “What took you so long?”

Okay so the news media is rife with reports over the weekend that (gasp) our kids are snorting ground up  attention deficit drugs to score better on college placement tests. I mean I guess these new pharmaceutical marvels give you laser like focus, boundless mental energy -- and the ability to expound at length on any obtuse arcane obscure subject the test might have conjured up. Of course you do have to remember to turn the page in the exam book on your own. A twenty thousand word answer written on one page is kinda tough on the examiners' eyeballs.

But whatever --  I say kudos to this generation. I mean we used to abuse substances to just generally mess up minds, ruin our futures, screw with our parents’ heads and set new standards for low productivity.

But now you get high to achieve better grades and get into the Mathematics Institute or Law School of your choice. How cool is that.

And of course the drug companies are saying to themselves, “Hey kids it's about time . I mean we named the drugs for suggested abuses – you know…

Adder-all and Writ-alin… “

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Timothy Geithner

Who's the token Vulcan in the Obama Administration?

Jamie Dimon

What gem has kinda lost its luster?

Nokia

What'd you say when they stole your Korean car?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Thank you Al Gore...


Don’t worry about that bump you felt last night. It wasn’t a fault slipping or a Slauson getting cut off. Turns out the inventor of the internet – you know, Al Gore – was back hard at work. I guess his Powerpoint Therapy wasn’t enough to deal with the theft of his Presidency by Dubya and the US Supreme Court.

Al, I take it, has been was worried the internet was running out of addresses. Even though it had more than Heidi’s Fleiss’s little black book. I mean, that is like Zeus running out of sand grains for Zuma Beach.

But -- it seems like 4.3 billion of ‘em wasn’t enough.

So Al did a great job of channeling that other mad scientist inventor named Al – you know, Al Einstein   – and came up with a new number. Hold onto your hats  -- it’s now 340 undecillion . That’s 340 trillion trillion trillion. Pretty big number. I mean the only thing bigger is the value of Facebook on the stock market. Oh excuse me – that was 20 minutes ago. Not now.

Any way - so now every quark in the universe can have its own individual account on Facebook.

And its gonna need them all to make its earnings next quarter.

200 day moving average

What was the result of the slow-down strike at Allied Van Lines?

Lake Pontchartrain

Where do railroad cars go to get ready for their title fight?

Little Zeus Coupe

What's the favorite car in God's garage?

Monday, June 4, 2012

Thingama-jig

What's the latest gearhead dance craze -- and Obama's economic recovery strategy?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Dr. Pepper

Name a 16 ounce soda and the owner of the obesity clinic it will put you in.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Ella Mayo

Who's the hot new internet comedienne?

Top ten reasons to fire your financial advisor


He’s grown his hair into a mullet do like John Corzine and Bernie Madoff

He wants you to invest in the IPO of a social networking outfit called FacePlant

You found out he’s the illegitimate son of the Bombastic Bushkin

Insider trading for Raj Rajratnam headlines his resume

He has squirreled away Greek Drachmas in hopes of a comeback

It was on his advice the Fed minted the Sacagawea dollar

He thinks security analyst-speak  “POS” means “point of sale”

He claims cotango is a new dance craze sweeping the nation

He was the cost control executive of Boston’s Big Dig

(drum roll...)

He tells you Ponzi was just a co-star on Happy Days

A sudden squall, some hot sauce and the Facebook IPO

Name a chubasco, tabasco and a total fisaco

The Push Broom

What'd  the dummy think was a dance craze sweeping the nation?

Three dog knight

What'd they call Sir Lancelot after he adopted chihuahua triplets?

Friday, May 25, 2012

BookFace

What do you call JarHead behind his back?

Clash of Titans

What's the new drink for seniors made from vodka, prune juice and kaopectate.

Trigger happy

Describe Roy Roger's stallion in a field of 40 foxy fillies.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

So how broke is California, Johnny?


California’s so broke LAX converted the Goodyear blimp into a turnstile tollboth for jumbo jets..

California’s so broke they made the lottery payoff in sand dollars, wooden nickels and steel pennies.

California’s so broke Governor Schwarnegger moonlights on talks shows for minimum union scale.

California’s so broke Sacremento sold its name rights to a tomato juice canner.

California’s so broke statehouse  dinners are now catered by the NBC Commissary.

California’s so broke the Highway Department cut off its Slauson and sold it for scrap.

California’s so broke the Motion Picture Academy sold out to Ding Dong School.

California’s so broke the only Nutrition Spokesperson we can afford is Gumby.

California’s so broke we sold the Mulholland Highway back to the Dutch.

California’s so broke we now charge admission to the Harbor Freeway as a thrill ride.

California’s so broke they replaced San Onofre with a farm of crazed-gerbil generators.

California’s so broke the economy sucks more than the baleen whale that went berserk at Sea World.

California’s so broke they renamed Million Dollar Road, Penny Lane.

California’s so broke the State Treasurer is channeling Jack Benny.

California’s so broke Don Rickles won’t even stoop to insult it.

California’s so broke they say it is all San Andreas’s Fault

Neigh sayer

What was Mr. ed?

Braniff

What airline still serves healthy breakfast cereal?

Server farm

Where do waiters grow up?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

So how windy is it, Johnny?


It’s so windy my whirlygig went supersonic

It’s so windy the new Boeing Dreamliner took off from LAX…backwards

It’s so windy Alice Kramden zoomed to the moon ..on her own

It’s so windy Mt Baldy got its toupee blown off

It’s so windy a tumbleweed did a smash and dash on a 7-11 in Pacoima

It’s so windy you can actually see across the street in Pasadena

It’s so windy my umbrella got twisted and tortured into Desmond’s tutu

It’s so windy a wet noodle impaled itself in the bronze bust of General MacArthur

It’s so windy my aeolian pipe organ is playing on its own.

Lime disease

What makes you crave to suck on tree fertilizer stakes?

Lime disease

What'd the botanist say was turning the oranges green?

Jerry Vail

Who is the state singer of Colorado?

FaceBookLet

What's the new name of the famed social network after its fiasco going public?

TwoFacedBook

What's the new social networking site for duplicitous investment bankers?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

So how hot is it Johnny?


It’s so hot my pet cockatiel got roasted into chicken fricasee

It’s so hot my fish pond cooked the carp into boiled schrod

It’s so hot they brought San Onofre back on line just to run my Kelvinator

It’s so hot Cool hand Luke gave me a Indian burn out behind the NBC dumpster

It’s so hot an overturned truckload of crayola made the 405 Freeway into a pool of paisley puce

It’s so hot they’re renacting the race riots to cool down Watts

It’s so hot Mitt Romney’s dog is begging for a breezy roof rack ride to Maine

It’s so hot the Airforce enlisted hordes of hummingbirds to cool their jets

It’s so hot Barack Obama is eating weiner dog in rolls for lunch

It’s so hot the Tujunga Wash had to send out for dry cleaning

It’s so hot the California Aqueduct is impersonating the River Styxx

Friday, May 11, 2012

Hop head

What is caused by too much beer shampoo?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

La Sorbonne

What's French for a real pain in the a**?

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Bugg-ota


According to an airhead CBS Saturday announcer, what’s the capital of Colombia?

Goulash


What do you call a risen-from-the-dead deciduous tree?

Excoriated


How did the half-eaten censured apple feel?

Pairamedic


Who bewailed, “I am simply beside myself?”

Spiking the football

What'd they accused the wino wide receiver of doing?

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sinko de Mayo

What 'd you get when your jar of MiracleWhip fell off the kitchen shelf?

Cellphone


How does one mitochondria talk to another?

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Ubuntu

What did one baseball lead-off hitter ask the other?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Welcome back Cotter

What did the castellated nut say to its retainer? (gearhead joke)

Temple of the dog

Where does Pluto worship?

Jurisprudence

What's neither jury-worthy nor prudent?

Stalker chick

Who's the SpokesPsycho for the celery industry?

You're just so much chopped liver

What did the organ meat say to the sweetbread?

Monday, April 30, 2012

Chili con collie

Whats the centerpiece of a SE Asian barbeque?

Rin-tin-can

What is the Chinese answer to Spam?

Bogota

Where did they invent the buy one get one free concept?

Well this dog won't hunt

What did the Donner Party say over one of their last meals?

Pluto Platter

What's the latest new dinner entree in Indonesia?

Rack of dog

What did Mitt Romney transport to Maine and Barack Obama eat eat for lunch?

Friday, April 20, 2012

Dis-aster

What happened when the lawn mower ran amuck in a field of wild flowering Asteraceae? (botanist joke)

Suffern

What's a town in NewYork state, not a state of distressed mind?

Hungary

What's a Euro member, not a state of distressed stomach?

Balderdash

What's a road race for the follicle-challenged?

Synecdoche

What's the figure of speech that thinks it's a city in upstate New York?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Equal footing

What constitutes a rip in your right sox and a hole in your left shoe? [Thanks milady....]

Fun guy

What do you call an entertaining mycologist?

Friday, April 13, 2012

Bebe Reboso

What's a cross between a pellet gun and a come-back clown?

Bottle nosed dolphin

What's the cetacean answer to hammerhead shark?

Newton, Mass.

Where was gravity discovered?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Staten Island

Where was cholesterol control invented?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Burbn

What are the founders of Instagram tossing down shots of, to celebrate? (investor-only joke)

Ruby Keeler, Amber Tamlyn, Minnie Pearl, Beryl Reid and Crystal Gale

Who stars in "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend - Not!" ?

Algorithim

What's the new Internet-Inventor dance craze?

Coat of arms

What do you pack your pistols in?

Congressional Record

What'd you put on that old turntable when you want to hear Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Sunglass Rant

Okay I just staggered sun-blind, retinally exhausted and desperate into Eddie Lambert’s financial folly. Also known as Sears. You know, what cattle muscle does when it encounters a hot gas grille. Just a nanoseconds before it converts into rank carboniferous carcinogen.

Just finished two weeks of tax hell in which the software went to new heights of creativity and artificial intelligence. Namely, an $8000 mistake against me. Which I somehow snagged. I guess there was a reason I suffered glacial epochs of doing that penance manually. I know the forms. I know when one has been tortured the wrong way (translation: against me) by hapless ones and zeroes run amuck.

But I digress. Anyway..I made the stupid mistake of facetiously saying, my kingdom for a new pair of shades. They apparently took me at my world. Because there -- seemingly levitating in suitably sartorial splendor over the display case -- was a nice thin rimmed set, polarized and all, for only….

$360.00 . Plus tax.

(Yes I know “sartorial” has to do with clothes, not eyewear. Content is always fodder for alliteration in my book.)

I say “seemingly” because for that tidy sum of just a few sheckels short of four Ben Franklins ….they should defied gravity, split the atom, fused deuterium and paid down (not “off”, mind you) the balance on my ex-es Maxxinista lay-away.

I mean, I am all for ultra-dark privacy glasses that will render you functionally sightless everywhere save the warm side of Mercury. That give you the aura of Jackie O, the charisma of ZZ-Top and the eye-chart reading capability of Mr. Magoo. You know, they are just the oh-so-koolest fashion accessory for texting while you are tooling and darting at rush hour among the 29 lanes of the Harbor Freeway at the speed of Art Arfon’s Green Monster.

(Don’t cha love the right click instant search in Chrome?)

No this rant is not over. But my attention span is…How bout those Red Sox….

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Drudge Report

What do you endearingly call your latest tax return?

Bantam of the Opera

What's the new musical starring a small chicken?

Sting

Who actually wrote Flight of the Bumblebee?

Desperately Seeking Real Last Names

What's the Art Fern Teatime Movie starring Ron Paul, Rick Perry, Elton John & Clark Kent?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Jay North, Ann Southern, Mae West and Sheena Easton

Who stars in the Art Fern TeaTime move, "My Compass Just went Cuckoo"?

Nicotine patch

What'd the tobacconist call his victory garden?

Wooden nickel

What American currency bears the image of Alan Greenspan?

Donkey Kong

What happened after Mighty Joe Young visited Ruffian in her stable?

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Basque

What culture are most reptilians?

Narwal

What's the Unicorn of cetaceans?

Over under sideways down

What'd the drunken sailor think was the shift pattern on his Harley?

Dogmatic

What's the transmission used on the Rover 3000?

String bikini

What'd the astrophysicist hottie wear?

Rutabagel

What do you get when you cross a turnip with a breadstuff?

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Starvation

What's the loser win in the Hunger Games?

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

What is the highbrow translation of "liquor's quicker?"

The difference between paper and pauper is "u"

What did the News of the World say to Rupert Murdoch just before he folded it?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Shape Shifter

What costume did Mitt Romney wear last Halloween?

Chameleon

What is Mitt Romney's role model?

Kaleidoscope

What is the prescription for Mitt Romney's eyeglasses?

Rainbow

What's Mitt Romney's fave color?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Faith Hope and Charity

What tax deductions are up for review under the Ryan Budget Plan?

Green slime

What is the adulterant in veggie burgers?

A hook, a line and a sinker

Name two pieces of fishing gear and Mitt Romney.

Pootang

What do you get when you cross breed a poodle with an orangutan?

Ouija Board

What's the new name of the Federal Open Market Committee?

Boozer

Name the new dog breed that's part boxer, poodle and schnauzer.

Sea biscuit

What'd you bake after the salt shaker fell in your muffin mix?

Brillo pad

What's a wire haired terrier cough up as a hairball?

Etch-a-Sketch

What'd the drunken sailor think was GPS?

Etch-a-Sketch

Who did Picasso sue for patent infringement?

Tom Daschle

What’s the new pet that’s a cross between a male cat, a daschund and a beagle?

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Scrub-A Dub

What was the last stop on the Seamus-the-Dog Horror Tour?

Seamus the Dog

Who got adopted by the MIT WindTunnel as their mascot?

Friday, March 16, 2012

Making every minute count

Whats does the time despot force his minions to do?

Astro-naught

What's the last number in countdown to blastoff?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Necker Island

Where did submarines races originate?

Bad fruit’s An Artist – It Draws Flies

What’s the Art Fern TeaTime Movie starring Zazu Pitts, Chuck Berry, Johnny Appleseed, Stone Phillips and “Kernel” Sanders?

Scandinavian!

What did you cry out when a finch flew into your Flextight? (Inside fotog joke)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Vegan Nightmare

What's the new TeaTime movie starring Eddie Rabbit, Beefsteak Charlie, Tom Turkey and Chicken Little?

Penpal

How do you pay for things in prison?

Border collie

What's the INS use as a search dog?

Wiener schnitzel

What's a cross between a weimaraner, a schnautzer and a poodle?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mideast commentary...

Okay now we know . Turns out the Iranians have been enriching uranium …for a nuclear powered metal detector. They sold it to a group of guys from Albany last week.

Now these Albanians know about as much about world oceans as the ‘Driver’ of that cruise ship that turned turtle and gave Tuscany a bad name. Call him Captain? No way. Not even “Minnie” I mean he could have at least thrown Diane Lane a life-preserver. Ya think?

Anyway, Landlubber Gang somehow doggie paddled their waterlogged way to a discovery of a little bit of sunken platinum... just a whole freighter load…just off of the coast of Cape Cod….just worth about $50 trillion.

I mean there were so many rare coins strewn off Sankaty Light that dolphins were grounding themselves in a vain attempt to get to Foxwoods. They couldn’t make it because their suitcases were laden with too much of the metal.

But now poor platinum is gonna get the Pluto treatment. You know -- the planet that got demoted to Mickey’s dog? There’ll be so much of the stuff on the market its status as a precious metal is toast. People will line their bird cage floors with platinum foil. The Olympics will award Platinum Medals to the last place finishers. The market value of Platinum ingots will plummet like a homesick worm. People will try to trade them for Greek drachmas, S&H Green stamps and Sacagawea dollars.

But not to worry. Here’s the punch line. They will be seized and used to pay off the US national debt. And the government will then put up a pure platinum satellite. The size of Jupiter.

Called Platnik.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Digestion is the better part of velour

What did one moth larva say to the other?

The bald TV shrink

Who makes Punxsutawney Phil look like Einstein?

Dumbo the elephant

What is " When pigs fly" kicked up a notch?

Hooverville

Where do old vacuum cleaners go to die?

Paul Bunion

Who's the famed lumberjack with foot problems?

Friday, March 2, 2012

The In-Tunes

Whats the new rock group featuring DeeDee Sharp, Rascal Flatts and Tommy Tutone?

Doppler Shift

What do you get when you cross a shape shifter with a doppelganger?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Plant Parenthood

What's the latest TeaTime Movie starring Art Fern, Lily Tomlin, Dick Grasso, Richard Roundtree, Herb Score, George Bush, and Sterling Moss?

Too much thyme on his hands

How did they bag the herb thief?

Luddite

What's a mineral opposed to progress?

Danny and the Seniors

Who sings At the Hop in heaven? ( Daniel Joseph "Danny" Rapp May 9, 1941 – April 5, 1983)

The Kevlars

What's the Motown girl group from Baghdad?

Ukraine?

What did the flamingo ask the stork

Cry me a river

What floods every spring in the Ukraine?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Poor white trash

How do you sympathize with a titanium dioxide dump?

Reformatory

Where did the errant play dough get sent away to?

Airodoodle

What do you get when you cross a poodle with a flying squirrel?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Vote with their feet

How does the Podiatrist Society conduct its annual election?

Tin hat dictator

Who rules the junkyard with an iron hand?

Gallup, Barber, Red, May and John Paul II

Name five poles [sic]...

Sampsonite

What's a very strong mineral?

Rhyme, No Reason

What is the latest Art Fern Teatime Movie starring....

Michael Caine,
Diane Lane,
Harold Raines,
Carol Wayne,
Bob Crane,
Lois Lane,
Herman Cain,
Thomas Paine and
Baby Jayne

Concentration camp

What do Temple oranges call the Tropicana factory?

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Problematic

What is the auto transmission in a Yugo?

The Cancellation

What was the name of the last, never-flown Space Shuttle?

Geriatric

Who is the older brother of Gerrymander?

Bricks itself

How does a cell phone commit suicide?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Backwardation

What is happening to America?

Slaughter of innocents

What's the new contamination in Syrian bread?

Cotango

What's the dance craze sweeping the commodities futures pits?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Stop needling me

What do you say to that annoying verbose pine tree?

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pine, bark, mulch

What does a lonely gardener dog do?

Downturn, Shabbey

Whats the new PBS series about the fall of Lehman Brothers?

Friday, February 17, 2012

Lady Guava

What is the Portuguese answer to Madonna?

Quadridextrous

What do you call someone who is good at four-play?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Downton Abbey

What's a prime example of a retro British chick flick?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Long ago, but nearby….

So, this is the abjectly egregiously untrue story of Smart Aleck. A writer. A creative type. Oh sure. Just like Wall Street accounting. Smart was a peculiar jumbalaya of cowboy, bad boy, flyboy, luddite, preppie, ex-biker, gearhead and geek. Think, low rent, frayed edge Hunter S. Thompson wannabe. With a dash of Tom Wolfe thrown in. Part pistol-less Wyatt Earpe? Sure. Because Smart had reputedly dated a certain pole dancer half his age. Who halved his bank account. How appropriate. Fortunately the smallest of several.

Smart’s specialty was quixotic projects. That’s a whole ‘nother yarn. Maybe enough for a sweater. Later perhaps.

But his main stock to trade? Oh, Smart blogged. He penned pathetic puns. Pop culture prattlings. Annoying anecdotes. Ridiculous rambling rants. Oh, and let us not forget…motorcycle tech tips. You see although Smart’s linguistic intellect verged on heavily flawed brilliance, he had just one tiny occupational flaw. As far as wordsmithing went, Smart had the attention span of a red squirrel. Anything beyond 3000 words and his eyes glazed over and the flow of verbiage turned to driven slush and then froze. No Great American Novel was looming in his future.

Smart’s workaround? He targeted markets that used (and in some rare cases actually paid for) short pieces of literary work. Motorsport magazines. One page advertising. Short stories. And he churned out how-to’s by the bushelful. Chop your Harley. Preserve your parsley. Paint in paisley.

But like us all -- Smart had to eat. No “starving artiste” he. And, not much money in the foregoing. So henceforth he perpetrated an outrageous fraud on an entire industry. He became a “marketing communication specialist”. For a computer company.

Which one? It will be remain blissfully nameless. Let us just say it was the quintessential Peck’s Bad Boy - PBB. In a brash, no-holds-barred competitive realm where the cut throats and back stabbers were the nice guys. And PBB did little to dispel the image. Headquartered in the liberal state of Massesclueless, it housed itself in a rambling, non-descript, low ceilinged cheaply built warren of dinky doorless cubicles and smokey conference rooms and murky labs. The place spread itself over literally acres. The halls were so long, on hot humid days, interior smog could easily be discerned.

PBB was, for a few shining years, a money-mining juggernaut that rivaled the robber barons of a century before. It treated non-executive employees badly but paid them very well. There were no paucity of prospects willing to sell their soul to this digital devil. It is ironic that the very computing architect schema that sky-rocketed PBB into orbit later lasered it down from the sky. Another tale for another time. Perhaps.

Early on, PBB changed its name to something ostensibly meaningless like Dartha Gerbil. Quite unknowingly appropriate. Vaguely malevolent. With the focus and attention span of a red squirrel (love that cut and paste). For PBB was poster child of corporate ADHD run amuck. Quixotic, wild eyed, megalomanic and grandiose schemes, projects and initiatives roiled over each each other in a seething foaming sea of intrigue, skulduggery and underhanded competition. The nastiest competitors for any given world-beating-mousetrap were not the competition down the highway, but the crackpots in the next building.

The cofounders were the strangest frick and frack imaginable. Each monstrously rich of course. And diametric opposites. One was a wirehaired, weird wizard engineer who walked around with vacant wild-eyed look. Not unlike the result of near electrocution. No doubt ruminating about new obscure revolutionary Von Neumann computing concepts. At the expense of any scintilla of social graces. It was said that those who could emulate One’s vacant stare to best effect, rose all the quicker through the seamy roiled ranks of rats in PBB’s dingy stable.

Unknown to him, he carried the below-radar moniker Senyor Sonny. A curious reflection of both derision and grudging admiration. His soft spoken air belied a venal sociopathic sadistic streak. His idea of fun was to order the surreptitious towing of employee cars -- parked at the company lot in a manner not suited to his taste. Eventually he towed someone not in total obsequious genuflecting awe and got served with a Summons for Criminal Complaint. Peels of hysterical laughter were heard from an adjoining front office in exec row that afternoon.

The source of the laughter? Well that was Two. Two was the sales guru. Tall and handsome and good looking as One was strange. He sported a Mullet hairdo in the best tradition of Bernie Madoff and John Corzine. His ersatz patrician air was betrayed by a foul mouth, a randy wayward eye towards females and a heart of cold driven slush. He honed his craft of persuasion by practicing serial philandery on the many attractive woman targets under his employ. Subtlety was not a strong suit. How would just call them up at their office from his pool-side cabana at home and summon them for services. His idea of motivating the sales force was to hurl an antique spear the entire length of the front office conference room and embed it in the far wall. “That is what will happen to you if you fail to make your numbers!” Drywall contractors were called in regularly.

PBB baptized its fledgling product with a Latin and astronomical name that implied bright and new. They lucked out except in France where the name in translation meant more-or-less “it doesn’t work”. It was to be the last and only reasonably good nomenclature they conducted. The follow-on product was dubbed something ostensibly sexy from the heaven sphere. But it equated with being plunged into darkness. After that PBB degenerated its labeling into the hackneyed letter-number soup of its competitors. Years later they adopted the safety-first Corfam philosophy of Dupont. Names that that sounded vaguely good but in actuality meant nothing at all.

In the early days of PBB, a foolish west coast firm had made the mistake of offering a plug compatible knock off of PPB’s main product. And soon after, the HQ of that hapless victim entity did in fact go up in smoke and burn to the ground. (How’s that for a tautology?) Rumors persisted that PBB execs had contracted for the firebombing of this competitor. A grand jury was convened to look into arson charges.

As reward, one alleged lower-level henchman was assured a perpetual role on the PPB dole. So the story went. In a position that required no means of visible intellectual support. He was Smart’s boss. Manager of Marketing Communications. The term Emcee seemed to apply. He did little to dispel the rumors of his smokey past

Emcee’s rendition of the Vacant Stare was a smirk unchanging as any result from too much botox. – as though he was thinking about some inside joke to himself. Emcee’s idea of fun was to run for congress more-or-lesson PBB’s nickel. He lost. Or try to patent voice stress analyzing software. Sort of an illegal wiretap and lie detector combined. Patent denied. Or, assemble a staff of the weirdest wildest most out of control kooks he could find in an already screw loose corporate culture. In that endeavor, he succeeded beyond his fondest dream.

One of his stratagems to that end? Show around a cool color personality analyzer program. You rated ten colors in order and out popped a personality profile. Anonymous of course. Everyone took it. Good innocent fun. No one realized, anonymous, not. Emcee was secretly monitoring and parsing and sorting the result for the most crackpot intellects.

Now -- thanks to a healthy streak of a paranoia -- Smart Aleck got it. He knew what was going on. So he gamed the system. He methodically rated colors according to their grey scale value. Then he took the test again and inverted the grey scale values. The results were diametrically opposed and totally off the scale at each end. Emcee saw that one clever, devious and suspicious person had (a) figured out what was going on and (b) then gamed his program to defeat it. I want that man for my team, he must have thought. Smart Aleck had a job.

So under Emcee, a drove of devilish, dangerous, demented denizens assembled to his specifications toiled in relative obscurity. For this was technology company, not Proctor and Gamble. Marketing was not exactly its stock in trade. Marketing was a mere overhead. An expensive superfluous afterthought annoyance of sort, thought many. And Marketing Communication compounded even that. It was overhead on top of overhead. Accordingly, “Marcom” was partitioned off in a dark dank interior space fit for mushrooms. Such interior space was normally occupied by computers in labs. No windows. Even lowly Marketing types cold at least see outside light. Not so Marcom. One had to pass through several doors to achieve that.

Foremost among these troglodytes under the helm of Emcee was the sole female. Georgina Javelin, or GeeGeeJay for short.

With GeeJay, what you saw was most definitely not what you got. Her work attire was demure text book prep. She sported the penny loafers, mannish button down blouse and nondescript featureless (tautology rears its ugly head yet again) navy blue skirt considered de riguer uniform on many an pre-ivy league campus. She was pretty the way the Blue Bonnet Lady or a Kewpie doll is pretty. She had a crisp soft spoken voice. With s’s that hissed seductively . There was a strong streak of goody two shoes in her superficial demeanor. She was a very good little actress when it counted.

But, the real GGJ? Think, verdant and teeming tropical rain forest of complexity and subtlety and mystery and perversity and contradiction. GGJ teleported the concept of work hard, play hard, into the eleventh dimension. Her mind could be a strange and bizaare bazaar to those very very few who really knew her.. Pathos, aggression, comedy, vulnerability, strength, coyness, pathological mendacity – they were all in the mix. Modeling this coy and clever and confused creature’s cerebral process was a task beyond any known computational system. Then, now or far into the future.

In short, she was out there. Somewhere far beyond the pale.

GGJ’s home apartment was rendered in a hippie-crash-pad design theme. Her coffee table was a painted empty telephone cable spool. Her idea of a bed frame? The floor. She drove a Chevy Chevette with a cranky clutch and a ripped headliner. Her LP records were badly scratched.

You guessed it. Smart Aleck and GGJ were to become a match made in..purgatory. Replete with major league vice, folly, innuendo, imagery and psychopharmacology.

To be continued..perhaps..you know the AD thing…

The latest..how Not to get a date from the internet

Introducing Souperduperman

Wondrous beyond belief. Yup that's me. Stunning, astounding. Delectable, adorable. Marvelous, amazing. Enthralling, thrilling. Quixotic, exotic.

Heaven on earth, nectar to the gods, money in the bank, off the charts, under the radar, beyond the pale, in like flint, over the rainbow. And beside myself. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. I am all that and less.

I have the brain of Einstein, the Body of Adonis, the biceps of Paul Bunyan, the gorgeous good looks of JFK Jr., the soul of Ray Charles and ….

…the bank account of Howard Hughes. Oh -- after that last one -- you magically transmogrified your assessment of me -- from strange scary crank weirdo to charming lovable eccentric.

I croon like Caruso, compose like Mozart and beat the drum skins like Buddy Rich. My songs garner Grammies by the gross. Well, “gross” certainly applies in some aspect.

I am Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. And good at cut and paste. Ya think.

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor ice storm nor hurricane nor tornado nor gloom of night stays me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds…am I am immune from going postal. That much is true.

I am pumped, I’m buff and I’m tattooed after my birthplace across the Atlantic.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.

Guess where

My mom was a botanist. She discovered a herb that treats writer’s bloc. Called Prose…ac.

My dad was a virologist. He developed a way to grow polio vaccine in ordinary chicken eggs. No wonder we are all now… cluck-tistic.

I fly like Lindberg, chauffeur like Mario Andretti, cook like Julia Child, grill like Steven Raichlen, spice like Emril Lagasse and decorate like Martha Stewart. Before she went: (a) public; and (b) to Camp Cupcake. Jump tall buildings with a single bound? Not so much. I have a 44 foot long … ladder

My mind does not comprehend the concept of “automatic. ” I eat raw kale. Off the stalk. Kickstart my Harley. Rotary-dial my phone calls. Part the Red Seas. Hand prop my Douglas DC7-C. Walk on water. Split atoms. Light my stove with a match. Snow shovel my 800 foot driveway. By hand. With a spoon. Blindfolded.

I know what happened to Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa and Colonel Fawcett. But not my car keys.

I’ve co-starred with Ali Baba, Lady Gaga and Babwah Wawa. I have pinch hit for Manny Mota and Sammy Sosa. I drop names as often as the I-phone drops calls.

I am the fly … on the wall, in the ointment and still unzipped after a restroom Greyhound stop.

I twist like Chubby Checker. Chop wood like Woody Woodpecker. Direct like Sam Peckinpah. At the same time. Think, sawdust on the cutting room dance floor.

I watch my TV. Sometimes I even turn it on. And watch the snow in high def. On July 4.

I kindly take in animals with issues. Diabetic gila monster. Vegan bengal tiger. Acrophobic albatross. A vampire bat adverse to dark, belfries and hemoglobin. Can’t seem to cure my red squirrel of ADHD, though…What does not need help is my resident megalomanic hummingbird. Who thinks he’s alternatively a Bell-Boeing V-22 …or a Piasecki PA-97.

I am a professional wordsmith. Specialize in really tough how-to stuff. Think, turkey. My latest best seller is “Boiling Water for Dummies”. Before that, I penned a manual for track stars who moonlight as lawyers entitled, “Runaround, Sue.” In my spare time-- I’m a speech writer for troupe of mimes.

I live green. Its so frigid in here my icebox feeds power back to the grid. And my virgin olive oil pours like slush. My sundial is a robin frozen upright in my birdbath. How cool is all that.

I live in a pine forest. But they are annoying. They needle me, continually.

I am afflicted with analysis paralysis, chivalry rivalry, portfolio imbroglio. And too much time on my hands. And no day job.

I built a house so high it looks down on the clouds. And eye to eye with lesser deities.

So there you have me. SouperDuperman…with the emphasis on….Dupe….my middle name

Well -- you know I got bored with my old profile..smile...

Do I seek a relationship or merely an audience? Um, that’s kinda up to you…

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Court appointed ambulance chaser needed

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/07/fausat-ogunbayo-suing-cit_n_1260727.html

Yup that is a mere 900 Trill....$900,000,000,000,000. No my zero key did not get stuck. Well it did (errant chewing gum) but I pulled it up in time. It was stuck down for only 45 minutes. So I had to add a coupla zeros manually.

With a name like that (sounds like an obscure country in Africa) -- no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder.

Nice juicy contingency fee available. Line already round the block at Hahvahd Law. Fisticuffs breaking out.

This just in.....

Okay now we know . Turns out the Iranians have been enriching uranium …for a nuclear metal detector. They sold it to a group of guys from Albany last week.

Now these Albanians know about as much about world oceans as the ‘Driver’ of that cruise ship that turned turtle and gave Tuscany a bad name. Call him Captain? No way. Not even “Minnie” I mean he could have at least thrown Diane Lane a life-preserver. Ya think?

Anyway, Landlubber Gang somehow doggie paddled their waterlogged way to a discovery of a little bit of sunken platinum.,. just a whole freighter load…just off of the coast of Cape Cod….just worth about $50 trillion.

I mean there were so many rare coins strewn off Sankaty Light that dolphins were grounding themselves in a vain attempt to get to Foxwoods. They couldn’t make it because their suitcases were laden with too much of the metal.

But now poor platinum is gonna get the Pluto treatment. You know -- the planet that got demoted to Mickey’s dog? There’ll be so much of the stuff on the market its status as a precious metal is toast. People will line their bird cage floors with platinum foil. The Olympics will award Platinum Medals to the last place finishers. The market value of Platinum ingots will plummet like a homesick worm. People will try to trade them for Greek drachmas, S&H Green stamps and Sacagawea dollars.

But not to worry. Here’s the punch line. They will be seized and used to pay off the US national debt. And the government will then put up a pure platinum satellite. The size of Jupiter.

Called Platnik.

Intentional grounding

What do lousy quarterbacks and careful electricians often do?

It went viral

How did the common cold get famous?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

How brave is this?

Cowering in my sleeping bag.
In a straight jacket.
Armed with an RPG.
And brass knuckles
Clenching a bowie knife in my incisors.
Under five comforters.
In the locked closet.
Behind the deadbolted bedroom door.
A floor above the barricaded stair.
Inside the Liquid Plumber moat.
Beyond the padlocked pipe gate.
And the boobytrapped property line.
Within a gated community.
In a town with snob zoning.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Tardive Dyskinesia Monologues

Whats the new high brow flick starring Ali Baba, Lady Gaga, Tammy Papa, and SNL’s Barbara Wawa?

Friday, January 27, 2012

Jugger-naught

What'd they call the ne-er do well at the bottle factory?

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Paper cuts

What's the occupational hazard for Callista Gingrich's hair dresser?

Monday, January 9, 2012

ZInfandell

What make of computer does a winery use?

Billberry

What herb do debt collectors take?

Punzi scheme

What is this entire blog?

Finishing School

Where did Stalin lean how to purge his opponents?