Top Ten Ways to Celebrate New Year’s Eve, 2014

10. Pretend it’s a century ago. Start a World War over nothing.

9. Pretend it’s a century ahead. Book a getaway to that new resort on Phobos.

8. Commandeer a GoPro drone. Take a selfie with 90,000 close friends at Times Square.

7. Go to Heaven, party with Dick Clark, Guy Lombardo and Howard Hughes.

6. Try to figure out what Auld Lang Syne really means.

5. Break every single resolution you made. In 15 minutes.

4. Get a head start. Send out a million valentines.

3. Get a real real head start. Wear St. Patty’s green

2. Get a real real head start. Organize an Easter egg hunt.

and...

1-. Get a real real real head start. Set off July 4 fireworks.

Bonus round

0. Scale One Times Square inebriated and ride the Waterford Crystal Ball down. In your birthday suit. With a lamp shade for a hat.