Top Ten Foods To Avoid On The First Date

10. Cabbage - lovely sauerkraut scented belches will follow

9.  Spinach – for a smile like a spotty green compost pile

8. Lobster – requires messy on-table insect dissection– how fetching

7. Blueberry buckle – give your teeth a mauve and purple rainbow

6. Garlic – the resultant stink doubles as vampire protection

5. Cherry tomatoes – stab and they erupt with messy juice and seeds

4. Oysters on the half shell – think, slimy mucous into your mouth

3. Baked beans – pretend you’re an old fa*t and smell like one

2. Spaghetti with marinara sauce – help grow a tomato sauce beard on your shirt

And…


1. Sweet breads – perfect for grossing out vegans, PETA members and normal carnivores

Top Ten Ways to Celebrate New Year’s Eve, 2014

10. Pretend it’s a century ago. Start a World War over nothing.

9. Pretend it’s a century ahead. Book a getaway to that new resort on Phobos.

8. Commandeer a GoPro drone. Take a selfie with 90,000 close friends at Times Square.

7. Go to Heaven, party with Dick Clark, Guy Lombardo and Howard Hughes.

6. Try to figure out what Auld Lang Syne really means.

5. Break every single resolution you made. In 15 minutes.

4. Get a head start. Send out a million valentines.

3. Get a real real head start. Wear St. Patty’s green

2. Get a real real head start. Organize an Easter egg hunt.

and...

1-. Get a real real real head start. Set off July 4 fireworks.

Bonus round

0. Scale One Times Square inebriated and ride the Waterford Crystal Ball down. In your birthday suit. With a lamp shade for a hat.

Top Ten Ways To Cure the Lost Jetliner problem

10. Drain the world’s oceans. Make deserts bloom

9. Install 10,000 The Clappers on each plane

8. Give all sky marshals telepathic powers

7. Ban air travel in favor of water taxi’s

6. Go back to noisy slow piston engined airliners

5. Require pilots to text continually while flying

4. Hire ghost of Amelia Earhart as special consultant

3.Make black boxes out of Chernobyl scrap metal

2. Mandate big ball of string that unrolls over entire route

and...

1. Put a plastic Jesus on each cockpit dashboard

Top Ten ways to promote a global flu pandemic

10. Get ghost of Edward Jenner to recant principles of vaccination

9. Have FDA ban Tamiflu, Relenza and vitamin C

8. Hold Sneeze-in at UN

7. Organize thong and speedo rave at South Pole

6. Enact prohibitive tax on fruits, veggies and exercise

5. Roll back time (and medicine) to 1918

4. Bribe Ebola virus to mutate into HINI Mark V

3. Legalize marriage to avians and swine

2. Establish new Olympic medal sport:  virus mutation rate

And…

1. Pipe in virus laden jetliner cabin air to Superbowl.

New Years Resolutions for 2015

Attach portable Clapper to car keys

Put lithium batteries in Clapper

Keep motorcycle collection additions under ten

Discontinue habit of running up down-escalators

Try to find compost pile without GPS

Do not snow shovel entire driveway

Stop compulsive calendar creation

Try to regrow hair with chia seeds

Paper walls and ceilings with medical records

Seek to get hemoglobin above 7. Chew nails.

Attempt to cure marrow malady. Eat bones

Try to boost white cells. Swallow titanium dioxide

Fall out of love with foxy fetching brilliant oncologist

Cease counting free food court samples as a daily meal

Top Eleven notorious awards for 2014

11. Fred Noonan Award to navigator,  Malaysia Airlines flight MH370

10. Gyro Gearloose Award to chief air bag engineer, Takata Corporation

9. Adolph Hitler Award to Vladimir Putin for annexation of Crimea

8. Ted Bundy Award to Bill Cosby for his dating habits

7. Mr. Magoo Award to US Congress for their visionary legislation

6. Charles Ponzi Award to the Greek government for financial probity

5. Jack The Ripper Award to Shark Tank for its kind treatment of entrepreneurs

4. Kevin Mitnic Award to North Korea for hacking Sony

3. Atilla the Hun Award to sadly too many school shooters to mention

2. Victor Frankenstein Award to New England Compounding for fungi-laced steriods

And….

1. Bubonic Plague Award to the Ebola virus in Africa

Ten Worst Ideas of 2014

10. Thumb your nose at crackpot despot via cinema

9. Score bargain in bulk  tix on Mayalsia Air

8. Invest heavily in solar -- cos oil will go up forever

7. Start International Bill Cosby fan club

6. Buy Grecian Formula franchise. Territory: North Pole

5. Cancel your Florida sinkhole insurance

4 .Build a Ukranian Elks lodge in Crimea

3. Take spokesman job for Vladimir Putin

2. Develop expensive view property high on Mount Kilauea


and

1. Spend tons of time writing silly blog

Top ten reasons you overslept on Christmas

10. The kids’ Shake Til Awake alarm clock you were testing didn’t work.

9. Shopped for all twelve days of Christmas gifts. At Walmart. Christmas eve.

8. All your 1400 dinner guests would need food to eat, you realized. At 3 AM.

7. That Airwick spray can from Ebay was really an Army surplus sleep induce weapon

6. You had Christmas Eve punch made by Bill Cosby

5. You stowed away on Santa’s sleigh. Got wicked jet lag

4. Watched that Chevy Chase movie 19 times, bored yourself into a stupor.

3. You tried a new reverse caffeine elixir in your eggnog. It worked too well

2. You were up six days straight trying to get tab A into slot B for little Johnny’s gift

and

1. You took Ambien, and slept-ate the entire Christmas turkey the night before

Bonus...

You contracted a rare case of Rip Van Winkle Syndrome

Top Ten reasons why men shave their heads

10. Bald someday, anyway. Think ahead. Be consistent

9. So do not want to emulate Donald Trump

8. Beats the heck out of face paint if you are a billiard ball fan

7. Tough economic times. Extra body billboard space, Chaching

6. Want to start a collection of functional toupees

5. Better headtop tat visibility

4. Rick of  Pawn Stars is kinda cool.

3. Tough economic times. Lucrative drone landing strip.

2. Just joined Yul Brenner Impersonator Association

1. Better no hair than blue hair, eventually

Bonus

Hair clippers went berserk. Liked the outcome

Top Ten reasons you know an economic crisis has hit Russia

10. They start cutting canned beluga caviar with albacore tuna.

9. The Ruble is devalued and becomes a new currency, the Rubble

8. They begin to get aid from North Korea

7. Putin annexes Switzerland for Swiss chocolate reserves

6. They sell Vladivostok to the Chinese for $26 dollars in beads.

5. They trade Crimea to the Ukraine for a rundown pier on the Black Sea

4. Europe taunts them to cut off oil. They can’t afford to.

3. Mummified Lenin body parts start appearing on Ebay.

2. They import decrepit 1950’s cars from Cuba for their head-of-state vehicle fleet.

And….

1. Ads for Amazon, Apple and Harbor Freight Tools appear on Russian TV

Bonus

At the G-20, Putin breaks down and laughs manically like Jeff Bezos

They beg for everybody to like them on Facebook

Top ten reasons to suspect we’ve all been hacked

10. Amazon drones make deliveries, then return to bomb HQ

9. Israeli uranium centrifuges get downgraded to salad spinners

8. Your stick shift Ford sticks it to you

7. All wine cellars turn into vinegar warehouses

6. OnStar becomes a black hole

5. GPS only gives directions to Pyongyang, Chernobyl and Fukashima

4. NORAD can no longer find Santa – or anything else

3. Big Ben plays Hail to the Chief

2. Apple stores start selling I-Cortlands


And

1. Sony picture releases that movie

Top ten things the fish that lives 26,000 feet down must be uttering

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/12/141219-deepest-fish-mariana-trench-animal-ocean-science/

10. Captain Nemo, eatcher heart out ..neener, neener

9. Malaysia Air, you do want this black box?  How much?

8. Oh hi. Nice of you to drop in, Amelia.

7. And you think your life is pressure packed?

6. At least I know where my next meal comes from…above

5. Okay so Hide n Seek is over, right?…hello?.. hello?.. HELLO?!!

4. Been Down so long it looks like Up to me.

3. No, you can’t do fracking in this neighborhood

2. That last fathom is a real lulu.

And…

1. So -- are we having a deep conversation or what?

Bonus

Only thing below me in the cellar is the Boston Red Sox

Top ten reasons to steal boxed cologne and then hide in a stream

http://www.telegram.com/article/20141215/NEWS/312159666

10. You ate 69 garlic cloves and 49 cabbage heads for din-din

9. You are testing a new miracle fish lure…..

8. You are testing a new miracle fish repellent

7. You’re broke and you’ve got a thing for the Little Mermaid

6. You actually wanted to see scent-adverse herring run..for their lives

5. It’s your bizarre answer to Ridley turtle groundings

4. It beats the heck out of lurking in highly scented pond scum

3. You want people to call you a stuffed shirt. But not a stinky one.

2 You’re homesick for your houseboat in Germany's fourth-largest city

And….

1. It’s your random act of kindness for a small polluted waterway

Bonus…

Your impersonation of George Hamilton, Winona Ryder and Mark Spitz got out of control

Why you might (or should) be a germophobe like me

10. Your white cell count is smaller than Powerball Lottery odds

9.  Your eyeballs play ping-pong conjunctivitis. A tournament

8.  You buy antiseptic gel in gallon jugs. By the case

7.  You get pneumonia when someone sneezes. In China

6.  You see a fifty dollar bill on the shopping mall floor. And keep walking

5.  You industrial steam your undies. Hourly

4.  You put in a carwash. To clean your kids

3. You own stock in Clorox. And Safety Cleen

2, You wear sani-booties. To bed.

And….

1. Your home is surrounded by a moat of black holes

Bonuses:

Your  idol is bubble boy

You bathe in copper pennies. Twice an hour

What happens when you sue Apple

10. You’re offered one orange for settlement

9. Steve Jobs’ ghost hacks your Galaxy

8. Sony makes a film about your death

7. Your russet cider turns to vinegar

6. You’re sucked into a reality distortion black hole

5. Bad sign – judge is grooving in court to I-Tunes

4. You tell the world, No we meant Fiona!

3. A mountain of Ipods appear on your driveway. In cement.

2. 2nd bad sign. Judge takes calls on his Iphone5

And….

1. The press starts calling you an I-diot

A bad marriage is like….

-- scuba diving on a coral reef. With no oxygen

-- strolling on a primrose path. At the South Pole

-- voyaging to Europe. By swimming.

-- diving into an Olympic pool. At the wading end.

-- chocolate cordials. Filled with gasoline.

-- Paris in the Spring. After a dirty bomb hit

-- sunning yourself. On the planet Mercury.

-- a cashmere sweater. That moths have discovered

-- balsamic vinegar. That you originally bought as wine

-- Nantucket. In August, just after the ferry arrives.

-- dear family. The Addams Family

-- home sweet home. A Rest Home. Staffed by sadists

-- modern conveniences. When power is out

-- dining at the Ritz. On just Ritz crackers

-- Continental breakfast. When you are incontinent.

-- an astrological sign. Cancer

-- eating Fugu. Prepped by an apprentice

Top ten ways to cope with fat ankles

10. Pretend you are a svelte elephant.

9. Develop severe myopia. You won’t be able to see that far.

8. Wear disguise galoshes  24/7.

7. Become obese. Then the rest of your body will match.

6. Turn c-clamps into compression socks.

5. Hang by your ankles like bat while sleeping.

4. Take Chinese foot binding to the next level.

3. Put on  spats a la Scrooge McDuck.

2. Never come out of the water.

And…

1. Go back to ancient medicine. Try leeches.

Bonus

Try a Papal foot washing with meat tenderizer

Top ten reasons you should shop at the mall instead of online

10. You get cookies you can actually eat

9. Jeff Bezos is filthy rich already

8. Overworking UPS creates jobs

7. You push a real shopping cart – good exercise

6. Instant free food court samples..try that via FIOS

5. Serendipity way more quaint than Google search

4. Mall germs help restock your healthy gut flora

3. Pathetic JC Penney deserves a fighting chance

2. No frustrating 404 error messages .....and......

.......

1. Grainy security video could make you famous

Top ten easy ways to get a Rudolph red nose

10. Wear Bozo Clown disguise – ditch the wig

9. Drink to excess like W C. Fields

8. Become bullseye in red paint ball war

7. Develop nasal rosacea

6. Enter raspberry eating contest

5. Polish bike parts with red rouge – omit mask

4. Fall face down in bushel of cranberry relish

3. Climb Annapurna. Get mother of all nose bleeds

2. Fall asleep just before kids find mom’s lipstick

And….

1. Become hapless victim of errant face painter

Top ten ways to cope with Shark Tank

10. Wear an aramid/kevlar wetsuit. Omit deodorant.

9. Be ingested  by an anaconda instead

8. Use a bigger boat

7. Bring wet vac. Suck it dry. Watch sharks asphyxiate.

6. Dress up as Shamu. They won’t mess

5. Conscript  Johnny Cochran as your mouthpiece

4. Have Vladimir Putin and Steve Jobs negotiate for you

3. Get Barbara Corcoran and Lori Grenier into a fatal catfight

2. Smoke cigar, blow in Cuban’s face.

And….

1. Impersonate BP. Drill offshore. Leak oil. Kill all sharks.

Top ten reasons to like ice storms

10. Power out for days on end , huge electric bill savings

9. Stacatto drone of misfiring generator lulls you to sleep

8. A falling tree speeds up the planned chop-top of your vintage Mercury

7. Driveway turns to skating rink, you can play hockey

6. Mountains of road salt pollutes water, perfect for cooking pasta

5. You learn something new -- how to cook on camp stove

4. No need for a walk-in fridge, that’s your whole house

3. A plummeting  icicle could always kill your mother-in-law

2. Arcing power lines beat the heck out of Xmas lights

and….

1. A tree crash makes your car now look like an Edsel. How kool is that?

Top ten reasons to be thankful for oil price drop

10.You can stop lubing squeaky doors with ear wax.

9. Big Oil gouges the US consumer for only one trillion dollars instead of two.

8. The snotty self-righteous smirks of hybrid owners turn into scowls.

7. Texans can speed without freezing Yankees.

6. The Exxon Valdez is converted into a cruise liner.

5. Russia and Iran get what they richly deserve.

4. Coal-filled mountain tops in Appalachia stop disappearing.

3. Greedy smug and rapacious hedge funds levered long on oil get crushed.

2,. Your toilet bowl no longer has to freeze over in January.

and ...

1. You can complain about the weather and politics instead of energy prices

Top ten things you should know about Barack Obama

10. In a former life he was lead singer for the Christian vocal group Barack, Meshach, and Abednego

9. He goes to hospitals for sore throats. Especially his.

8. He is badly in need of some Grecian Formula 16.

7. His dad herded goats. The son tries the same. With Congress.

6. He did not use the Bill Clinton marijuana smoking method.

5. He is an omnivore. And how. Dog, grasshopper and snake in Indonesia

4, He opposed the merger of Oklahoma and Alabama into a new state of Obama .

3, His dogs, Bo and Sunny, have never ridden on an auto roof rack.

2. He is not part of the Bush/Clinton presidential contender monopoly.

….

1. Never ever ever get between him and his Nicorettes

The polio parable

The misty view through a half century of time obscures my memories. But, a few beacons remain. I was a just boy. And infantile paralysis -- poliomyelitis – reined as a scourge like no other. It rivaled today’s Alzheimer’s disease. It transformed summer into a time of fear. It made swimming pools anathema. No one was safe from an affliction that could strike, cobra-like, with devastating and deadly swiftness. No one was immune. No one could know whether they had just contracted a mere summer cold or the ominous onset of dreaded polio. It targeted little children, young adults in their prime, and yes the aged as well. A lucky few got injections of gamma globulin to safeguard them during the hazardous months of July and August. Stunning, heartbreaking images of people condemned to a lifetime in iron longs or crutches were emblazoned everywhere. The March of Dimes crusaded like a Labor Day Telethon every single day of the year – for years and years.

As a virologist, my father became engulfed in the state-of-the-art immunology of its day. For, he participated in the race to develop a safe and effective oral polio vaccine. It was a torturous, pressure-packed endeavor fraught with peril. For oral polio vaccine was, after all, the live virus itself, in attenuated form. Researchers and clinicians from competing factions alike struggled with things like reversion to virulence and the hazards of attenuation in monkey kidney tissue culture. Ten of millions of 1950s-era dollars were spent. Scientific reputations soared and crashed and soared again. And, patients in clinical trials did die.

In the end of course, a successful vaccine was developed. But it consumed vast amounts of time. Years and years stretched into decades. Human patience and initiative were stretched to the breaking point. Strain after strain after strain was isolated, tested, attenuated and then tested again. After all that effort, most were summarily abandoned as unsafe. And then, the entire process had to be started anew.

The team that included my father lost their battle. For it was the vaccine strains from a competing effort that ultimately garnered the first government license. But they won the war. For only my father’s team had devised the methodology to attenuate, to grow the vaccine -- safely -- in ordinary chicken eggs. And hence only they could mass produce it.

It had been a lengthy, arduous and painstaking process. But now came the rewards. Now, the victor had to come, hat in hand, to the vanquished. And surrender a large hoard of their spoils to get the vaccine made in volume.

The costs my father personally bore did not escape me, young as I was. He was absent for months at a time for clinical trials in far-off lands. Which did not always go well. The pressure, the perils, the politics all took their toll. I saw his vigorous, vibrant and sunny disposition eclipsed by a sometimes stormy, distant and sullen demeanor. My father died later – now long ago – in some ways a man spent and made gray before his full time.

And so now we come to the case of Elan. And Alzheimer’s disease.

Now I am a man not even remotely close to my father. For I am a lowly, merely, retired writer. Toiling on an anonymous message board. He was a world class virologist. He truly contributed to the advancement of science. I only dare speak of it.

But even I can grasp the haunting parallels from the days of my father. I see the devastation with no effective treatment. I can sense Elan scientists and immunologists and clinicians slowly, steadily, methodically progressing against it. It has taken years and years. Yes, there have been setbacks. And yes, patients in clinical trials have died. Even so, years ago I decided to make the biggest commitment I have ever made in my life. I took the largest position I dared in Elan, during its darkest days. And have held on like a terrier to a rat. Like lag bolt in southern yellow pine. Like solsticial sun over the Sahara.

Because I believed. Because, somehow, I knew.

Because others – hugely more knowledgeable and intelligent than I – gave unselfish, unstinting, sound and sagacious counsel to bolster me. Because a community of people cared not only about making money in the stock market, but also cared about pure science, about humans can help each other, about how illness can be conquered.

And now finally the uncertainty has cleared. We stand at the clinically-demonstrated cusp of at least one -- and likely more -- immunological treatments that can alter the course of Alzheimer’s disease -- for the first time. We can now look forward to day when such treatments will be administered -- prophylactically – preventatively -- to otherwise healthy persons. Who have been genetically identified at increased risk for the disease. We can hope for immunology that forestalls, that blunts, a devastating and deadly scourge as surely as Elan’s Tysabri treats multiple sclerosis – as surely as the oral polio vaccine did a half century ago.

Maybe it is only just my imagination, but somehow I see my father - once again as sunny and vigorous and vibrant as he was in his prime. And from above he is looking down on me and saying..

…well done, my son….well done.

And so in turn I say to you all, on this mortal earth, from the bottom of my heart…

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

June 2008

Top ten Octogenarian taunts and retorts

You were born before the age of electronics.
You were born before the age of anesthetic.

Better no hair than blue hair.
Better peach fuzz than billiard ball.

Your memory is toast.
Your memory is burnt toast.

My cane is faster than your walker
My chair lift is fast than your stair climber.

You still read books.
You still fetch water.

You are on dialysis.
You are on psychoactive drugs.

You take your teeth out at night.
You put your hair on in the morning.

Your mother wore combat boots.
Your mother wore a chastity belt

You shouldn’t drive a car.
You shouldn’t make toast.

….and……

You need blue pills to perform.
You need a ventilator to breathe.

Great Talladega Road Race

C     Em        Bb   F
Daybreak      sunshine

       Ab        C              G             C
We gotta be gone by a quarter to nine

       C               Em       Bb      F
The bikes in the van are fully gassed

Ab     C              G          Am        Ab   F     C
Safety wired and ready to last



     Am                     Fmaj7
A hundred ten miles in the hot southern sun

     D7                             G7
The Talladega National has got to be won



C                    Em     Bb         F
Some how our ardor wasn't the same

                Ab            C               G               Am        Ab   F     C
When the green Kawasaki went down in flames

     Am                     Fmaj7
It all appears as an insane dream

          D7                     G7
What we will do to our pretty machines



        C         Em      Bb          F
The race is over the sun goes down

       Ab        C                      G             C
We close our doors and are northward bound

          C      Em    Bb           F
Somebody asks as the night falls

Ab                  C                G              Am        Ab   F     C
Who won the marbles; we can't really recall


 Am                     Fmaj7
A hundred ten miles in the hot southern sun

     D7                             G7
The Talladega National has got to be won

C     Em        Bb   F
Daybreak      sunshine

       Ab        C              G             C
Onto the next race at a quarter to nine

-- 1967

Rock star

           A                    G          D            C   A
So you think that your life as a rock star is a lonely one

           A                    G           D              C   A
'Cos your search to play what's in your mind is never done

            F                    Bb                   C         D         A
Come day when you'll realize, there's millions just like you

     A                B4    C                     D                      A
In quiet desperation, waitin' for their dreams to come true


         A                    G          D            C   A
As along distance trucker you sure put in some lonely miles

       A                    G           D              C   A
Tons of overcooked coffee and whitetops between friendly smiles

            F                    Bb                   C         D         A
Come day when you'll realize, there's millions just like you

     A                B4    C                     D                      A
In quiet desperation, waitin' for their dreams to come true


           A                    G          D            C        A
On the line making cars in Motown ain't an easy score

           A                    G           D              C        A
When you think you're done, look up to see how many more

            F                    Bb                   C         D         A
Come day when you'll realize, there's millions just like you

     A                B4    C                     D                      A
In quiet desperation, wonderin if their dreams will come true


C      B7         A

Amarillo in Late October

Am              D
Amarillo in Late October

C                 E7
Passin' through on my way back home

Am              F
Skies so bright they look like day glow

C                 E7
Sunlight sparking in my chrome

Dmaj7                     E
[Oh how  I miss  the rain

Dmaj7                   C# maj7           E
Autumn leaves will surely ease my pain...]

Am              D
Heading home from California

C                 E7
Never could find any peace

Am              F
Pretty girl she's waiting for me

C                 E7
Back there in the East

Dmaj7                     E
[Oh how  I miss  the rain

Dmaj7                   C# maj7           E
Autumn leaves will surely ease my pain...]

-- 1973

Top Ten ways to lose weight when traveling

10. Fly coach. No meal. No real food at all. A teeny snack suitable for a …deermouse.

9. Buy exorbitant concourse food. You’ll only be able to afford a single ritz cracker

8. Fly coach. The claustrophobic cabin will surely kibosh your appetite.

7. Fly coach. The sardine cramped seating will motivate you to make your body smaller.

6. Fly coach. Lugging around your nine-ton (but free of charge) carry-on bag consumes kilo-calories.

5. Avoid non-stop. You’ll get joyous exercise running the interminable terminal to make your connecting flight.

4. Seek out peak travel times. The endless delays will aid calorie-burning teeth gnashing and thumb-twiddling

3. Try a budget motel. The nauseating stench of dirty carpet will do wonders for your planned bulimia

2. Go with the bottom rate rental car. Great mileage . But you have to pedal. Think, exercise bike.

And (drum roll please)

1.Navigate the bewildering airport road maze without GPS. Furious map page flipping burns tons of calories

A: Ash Wednesday

Q: What'd the dummy think was National Smoking Cessation Day?

A: Black Friday

Q: What'd the dummy think was a new Afro-american holiday?

Snow bound before Thanksgiving? Twelve ways to cope…

12. Call in a rocksalt –tipped incendiary cruise missile attack

11. Console yourself by thinking “ What a relief -- all this could have been rain”

10. Turn up the heat. Open garage doors. Hope that melts it all

9. Fuel your aging snowblower with hydrazine, crystal meth and Cialis

8. Install tire chains and skis on your Harley

7. Break out your canned tuna fish hoard. Stay home until next July 4th

6. Repeal Gravity. Dispatch the floating flakes with a leaf blower

5. Give your chipmunk army spoons. Tell em peanuts are down at the road

4. Sin . Die. Go to Hell. Take entire town with you

3. Open ski run . Charge admission

2. Build a black hole from plans on the internet. Suck everything out of reality….

And….

1.  Foment a wild turkey stampede down your driveway

Nine things overheard while unloading a soapstone stove…

9. Oh cool -- I just invented a new swear word

8. I think it looks great just staying here in the driveway

7. Oh -- so this is what a black hole weighs

6. We need a Parton sized Dolly

5. Did this thing weld itself to the trailer floor?

4. No,  that’s not firecrackers, that is my back

3. Please -- no more puns about getting all in a lather

2. We’re gonna need a bigger crane

(drum roll)

1. No , that is not a wilted leaf, that is my finger

Oncology joke

I have cancer   -- and lousy hearing.

So my brilliant, enthralling, stylish and beautiful oncologist called me on her cell phone.

She said:

“ Now that your chemo is over, I want to marry you. I will use a local anesthetic and it won’t hurt a bit.”

Now this proposal was beyond my wildest dreams. After I flew around the ceiling and over the moon a bit, I composed myself. Of course I had to be honest and truthful to my now soon-to-be wife  so I said:

“Yes oh yes ..but of course sometimes marriage can hurt no matter what you do.”

There was a long silence and then she answered;

“NO I want to MARROW you. The bone biopsy, remember?”

….

Darn

….

I hate cell phones

Eight reasons I think I am Jesus Christ

8. I go to a frozen pond every February. And walk on water

7. My bread machine went berserk,  turned out 4,000 loaves

6. I went to Costco. Found tuna cans big enough to feed thousands

5. People say my name after the hammer misses.

4. My Dad’s viagra ran out – he tried immaculate conception.

3. Hot cross buns give me memory pains in my palms.

2. My hoodie got tangled in a rose bush – crown of thorns

(drum roll)

 1. Every time I pass a manger, I suck my thumb

Pah-dum-pum

Top eight reasons my truck has ten wheels

18 would exceed my budget

 

I own stock in Firestone

 

It’s a Ford  so  you need extra parts

 

Really only has two – thanks photoshop

 

I adhere to the Dewey Decimal System

 

I am big on Rubber meets the Road

 

My computer has no tire delete function

 

I can’t count to eleven

 

St Peter: So, welcome to the Pearly Gates, Johnny.

We have new rules -- you have to very rich to get in here,

So how rich are you Johnny?

Johnny:

I am so rich I get a new Bugatti Veyron when the ash tray is full. And I chain smoke.

I am so rich I could pay off the US Debt from my IRA.  If I were not dead

I am so rich I could buy all Donald’s toupees. And make him promise, no new ones

I am so rich I could get the Space Station plated in platinum. Better yet,  whittled from solid.

I am so rich I could give every Chinese a brand new  Oprah car. Every day. Every year.

I am so rich I could bribe every ebola virus to mutate into medical marijuana.

I am so rich I could increase all my ex-wives' divorce settlements 

No wait -- I am not THAT rich.

A Cancer Chronicle

The June before last was much like any other.

The days were long, the sun high and the greens of nature still fresh and bright. I was exercising regularly, eating right and taking my vitamins.

But I -- unsuspecting-- had already commenced a dark descent into malignancy.

For almost precisely on summer solstice weekend, something untoward came at me like a pile driver, like a NFL linebacker -- from out of the blue.

I was seized with a virulent feverish malady that erased my appetite, wrecked my well being and put a long nasty rash on my side that stung and ached and stabbed like no pain I had ever felt before

But as bad as this case of shingles was  – and it was that – it was merely the tip of an iceberg to my Titanic, the nose of the crocodile about to rise out of some tropical murk and snare and devour me

I waited patiently for months for its deleterious effects to abate. But many did not.  Fatigue and malaise were new and constant companions. I experienced bad metallic taste, alternative food revulsion and cravings, weight gain and loss and gain again. Dark chocolate and whole heat bread suddenly tasted terrible. My ability and desire to exercise completely collapsed and vanished. I was shut in. Summer dragged into Fall.

By November I had had enough. I drove to New Hampshire and got a broad spectrum blood test.

I remember standing dumbfounded to the point of dizziness in my Post Office as I viewed the results a few days later. I was severely anemic. And my kidneys were failing. Incredulous, I repeated the tests a few weeks later. The new results were even worse. Something inside me was progressing. And at the apparent rate it was going, without some intervention, I would be on dialysis or dead within another year.

I wondered what was wrong with me. Was this some bizarre shingles post viral effect? God’s meting out of punishment upon me for some wrong?  The fall out from a long bitter divorce ?

What then transpired was a circuitous (and hazardous, I discovered) route to..diagnosis. I will spare you those depressing details.

And it was a real doozy. I had always taken some pride in building or crafting things that were rare or unique or special . A home, a book and motorcycle or two.

Now my bone marrow had done the same thing to me.  I had a malignancy there that was rarity piled on top of rarity, piled on top of rarity. What I had was -- hold onto your hats --  was something called Waldenstrom's Macroglobulinemia.

WM, for short, is a rare variant of another tongue torturer – Non- hodgkin’s Lymphoma, The same affliction that had killed Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and King Hussein of Jordan. Well I was in good company at least

The malfuncting marrow of most people with my WM affliction put out an excess of a large antibody called IGM. But my marrow was doing something extremely unusual in Waldenstrom’s . It was over producing very small antibody body pieces called Kappa Free Light Chains. And the over production was truly horrendous. On a scale in which 3 to 19 is normal, my Kappa Free Light Chains presence were over 7,000.

These had clogged my kidney , resulting in something called cast nephropathy. Again,  an extremely rare effect of WM. So much so that cast nephropathy is commonly called myeloma kidney and is normally the result from a completely different kind of cancer – multiple myeloma. On the internet I read that cast nephropathy in WM was so rare that it had first been reported only very recently -- in 2012.

( Digression: Chronic kidney disease is a whole universe unto itself. And I had it on top of WM. CKD means a grim renal sparing low protein diet. I like to say, essentially white bread and iceberg lettuce. You have to limit severely tomatoes, potatoes, beans nuts, chocolate,  winter squash, many greens, milk products of any kind. Diuretics like coffee and tea are out as well. Disclosure: I cheat. )

Oh lucky me. Somehow I did not exactly feel like a celebrity or lottery winner. About 90 % of my marrow was now involved in this alphabet soup malady. And when my marrow went bad, all sorts of bad things had happened. My kidneys had failed 85%, teetering right on the edge of needing dialysis. My red blood readings – like hemoglobin --  were about half normal and I was flirting with a need for transfusion. I have eventually had four so far. And my plasma was so loaded with the bad Kappa pieces I twice have had  it centrifuged off from my red blood, discarded and replaced with fresh clean albumin.

My oncologist was worried about another bonus. My marrow was giving me a very weak immune system. My white cells were periodically scarce as hens teeth, apparently .This why I had gotten shingles -- remember them? --  in the first place. The temporary fix here is a booster called Neupogen. The shot stings like a hornet bite. I have received three of those beauties.

And this cocktail of chemicals and procedures is just a partial one. Shaken, not stirred in the mix has been a gruesome bone marrow biopsy, a hazardous kidney biopsy, potassium binder, eight  round of chemotherapy and mega doses of steroids that give you insomnia, raging hunger for junk food and ugly new fat jowls and belly .

I would like to conclude this brief chronicle with a coda of miraculous remission and cure. But that is not to be.

After they have thrown everything at me for months -- except the kitchen sink ..(I ducked and missed that) my numbers -- although bad - have at least stopped dropping in general and even a teeny improvement -- last few weeks finally. As far as I can tell my prognosis – due to age anemia and kidney disease – is somewhere between 24 and 36 months.

I will take that for now. Some things still to do yet. I better get going. And I better not buy hard peaches.

Motorsikkel Blues

(Koumoutseas / Saks, 1967)

Music

(instrumental intro)
C-C-F-C
C-C-F-C

C-C-F-C

C                       C                      Bb                 F   

Out there on the two lane / Seein' what she
             C
would do

Bb                             Eb                        F                           C                  
Blew through the ton / Then son of  gun / Lights be-hind me  blue

G                                 Cm
I got the ..Motorsikkel blues..

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G      Ab    Bb    C
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

C                       C                               Bb          
Then done something to me / I  wished they
F           C
didn't do

Bb                            Eb                                 F                                  C
They took my motorsikkel  'way from me / I thought my life was through

G                                 Cm
I got the ..Motorsikkel blues..

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)
G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G      Ab    Bb    C
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

C                        C                    C        Bb
So, lookin' at these four walls /  Staring
F            C
behind bars

Bb                            Eb                      F                        
Wond'ring why them people outside/  Are always drivin' cars

I got the ..Motorsikkel blues..

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G      Ab    Bb    C
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

C                        C         C          Bb          F         C

Finally got my bail raised / Back into the light

Bb                Eb                      F                            C
Be damn sure apply the cure / And only speed at  night

G                                 Cm
I got the ..Motorsikkel blues..

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G      Ab    Bb    C
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

C                        C            F                      C
Now  I'm seeing starlight /  Throttle wide F O

Bb                               Eb                      F                            C
Damned radar trap / But goin' so fast /  Can they catch me, No

G                                 Cm
I got the ..Motorsikkel blues..

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G                                 Cm
(motorsikkel blues, yeah yeah)

G      Ab    Bb    C
Yeah yeah yeah yeah)

A: Match

Q: What's an ignition source and a ripoff dating site

A: Studebaker

Q: What's the car you drive to culinary school?

A: Cereal killer

Q: Who murdered Kix, Cheerios, Wheetabix and Count Chocula?

P-Fifty-one

Back in the days 

Of the world war

When I served 

In the air corps 

Can still hear 

The strangled roar…

Of engine tuned 

To fever pitch

She was a mean

High flyin’ witch

You struck out

Or struck it rich

P-fifty-one

[Refrain]

Fallin’ - Oh I think I’m fallin’

Fallin’ out of the blue

Fallin’ - Oh I think I’m fallin’

Fallin’ in love with you

P-fifty-one

Take off at dawn

Plenty lead

For those big guns

But some how

Lost it in the sun

Over Guam.

[Refrain]

Fallin’ Oh I think I’m fallin’

Fallin’ out of the blue

Spinnin’ The whole word is spinnin

Just like my mind over you

Waitin’ At The Window

Am          E7               Am       E7
My luv's waiting at the window
Am          E7               Am       E7
I see the sunlight in her (his) hair
                 G       D
But by the time I knock,
         F                    C
The door is locked and it
Fm6       G (or Bb)         Am
Seems like there's no one there

Am          E7               Am       E7
My luv’s riding on the highway
Am          E7               Am       E7
On a chrome and silver bike
                 C       G
But when I cross the rail
         Bb              F                  
To pick up her (his) trail
Ab            Bb         C
She’s (He's) vanished into the night

Am          E7               Am       E7
My luv is a girl (boy) of beauty
Am          E7               Am       E7
Big brown eyes, long (short) hair of red

                 C       G
But I’m beginning to see
         Bb              F      
That there’s only me
Dm       E7       Am
And this fantasy in my head

BREAK1
Am   Bm   Dm   F9    Am
Am   Bm   Dm   F9    Am

BREAK2
Am   Bm   Dm   C   F  E7  Am
[

(Music for this)

Good news / bad news

G:   I met a brilliant beautiful 41 year old woman . She takes quite an interest in me.  We see each other quite regularly

B: She is my oncologist

COE

D                             D
Now Big Henry had a factory
F                       G
‘Longside River Rouge
D                             D
Pumpin’ out trucks, strictly Country
F                             A7
As the red, white and blue

C                               C
And my Uncle was a trucker
F                                       G
Workin’ here and there and far
C                               C
One day cruised to a dealer
F                  G        A7
Cos Auntie needed car

(In a sea of slammers ‘round back)
But while kickin’ tires around back
He stopped, looked up to see
An instant love attack
From a Big Henry COE

Now Unkie and his new rig
Became like a man and wife
Hauling loads both small and real big
Til the end of his long life.

So when his time was over
COE went out to seed
In a field of four-leaf clover
And Northern prairie weed

And it waited on them great plains
For its new time in the sun
Through years of snow and spring rains
For a man to make it run

Now Henry COE ‘s mine
And got some plans in store
Gonna drop in big round engine
From planes of Second War

And I’ll do my own flying
Just closer to the ground
All perty girls be sighing
When they its monster sound

In that big COE you ride
Far above door slammer fray
And You can see all country wide
With nothin in your way

And when my time is over
COE will still run strong
No more fields of clover
But a big safe dark dry barn

Now this tale is almost over
One secret I confess
What does COE stand for
Leave that for you to guess

REFRAIN

     D7                     

     My baby’s calling me
      G7

     Climb in that COE
      Em

     Highball cross county line
      F                            A7

     Make her place, in record time

     D7          

     With me she’ll ride shotgun*
     G7

     She is the only one
      EM

     Dig more than my sweet ride
     F                              A7

    If she’s good, might let her drive

(*I want her riding ‘gun) 

Music

War paint

Got your war paint on
Is it just for me?
No, I am alone
But hey, I can dream
‘Cos here burns a spark
Til 12th of never
But then goes dark
And so forever

Are you making eyes
At only me?
Oh, big surprise
That sure can’t be
Still this ember glows
Through a vail of tears
Which I’ll never show
But do revere

In my night time dreams
I see you sashay
But when come sunbeams
It goes poof away
So this light within
High noon how it fears
But it ain't no sin
It’s just that way.

Like all my girls
Really smart and hot
But of course this world
Sure be no camelot
So I sing this song
Try to be a saint
A lot here’s young
But much ain’t

Year and years ago
I would pictures take
Miles of film I’d blow
For the model’s sake
Keep those ancient chromes
In my cellar deep
Safe in my big home
While I sleep

How I so loved
Your tight tortured top
And the way you moved
And would never stop
But you’re just a ghost
My mind makes for me
At the very most
Pure fantasy

Now this empty home

It’s a silent place

Like the fall of Rome

With no saving grace

Small and tragic

Quickly lost to time

No burst of magic 

Just this rhyme

Many secrets done

And much more than show

But until I’m  gone

No one will ever know

In 3010 

They will break the seal

And minds will bend

At’s what revealed

REFRAIN

But we’re not friends its clear

Because you're not really here

My mind playin' tricks on me

From now to eternity

I’ll soon dwell in spirits’ realm

My Forebears will call me home

And I'll bid this world adieu

Shuffle the deck for something new 

88888888888888888888

Life is so fleeting

Just one chance for meeting

Because then tomorrow

In sorrow may end

So I’ll keep singing

And hope that you’re bringing

Some attention to the 

Mention I ‘m trying to send

Escape to the blue sky

No one will see me die

I’ll simply just vanish

And vanquish my past

No memories to linger

To the world middle finger

Howard DGA (sing it Taylor, huh?)

(Am)  C                        C
So  I dreamt I walked Fifth Avenue
C          G            C         G
Your Howard DGA, it flew
C              Bm          F       Dm  
Above me big and shiny new
Em                       G
High in the azure sky.

       Am        G        Dm    F9
And your city canyon flight did yield
       Am        G        Dm    F9
A landing safe at Bennett Field
       Am       Em             F      
And I was there and you revealed
       C      Bb                  G
Those steel-blue bedroom eyes.
(Refrain)

You beckoned me to come and fly
Your Howard took me to the sky
I viewed the world below with eyes
Wide with wonder like a child

I watched you pilot your machine
So cocksure, rugged yet serene
Straight out of fashion magazine
So calm with streak of wild
(Refrain)

And after flight we sought some shade
You ordered vodka lemonade
Began to hope that we were made
One day together be

(And after flight in shade we sat
You in your cocked fedora hat
We had such a pleasant chat
Just coffee, tea, you, me)
(Refrain)

Your cocked fedora, as if to flirt
So cute in your blue pinstriped shirt
You had me spellbound,  rapt alert
To the entire scene

(It pleased me when you tried to flirt
So cute in your blue pinstriped shirt
And I did notice rapt, alert
Every detail of our scene)

And then we had some petite fours
The minutes drifted into hours
We talked as if the world was ours
Laid out beneath our feet
(Refrain)

But finally you frowned at your watch
And said I have a plane to catch
I knew we were a perfect match
But right now not to be

You climbed inside to shout “prop clear”
I heard the noise of starting gears
As image of your craft was seared
In my deepest memory
(Refrain)

Then plane and pilot skyward bound
To heavens far above the ground
From raucous roar to whisper sounds
I did hear it recede

I watched until it was mere dot
So many feeling wants and thoughts
But realized you were not lost
And would return some day.

REFRAIN
       C                                C
      So you make me believe in a Santa Claus
       Fmaj7-9
      And plums fall from tree ‘cos of Newton’s  Laws
      Am7
      And song birds make up the Milk Way
      Dm          Em                             G
     And the best way to fly? Howard DGA

       C                                C
     'Cos only airplane engines that are real are round
       Fmaj7-9
      And they start up with such amazing sound
      Am7
      Make you want to fly til day you die
      Dm          Em                             G
      And become ever part of the azure sky

BREAK
G9   Am   Bb7   Fmaj7  C  Em   G
Em  Am  Bb  F  C  Dm7  G

Old School

You know, I’m old school, the best locomotives are steam
Old school, power can be had from a stream
And I only fly airplanes with props
I never pick -apples, pick drops
Yea old school, but don’t you dare call me pops

You know, I’m old school, Ancient as triceratops
Old school, I never call police cops
My Sideburns are full mutton chop
Cos I aint got - much left on top
Yea old school, this is where passing buck stops

You know, I’m old school, get even better than mad
Old school, I like my girls kinda bad
And I never heard of Ipad
I never give in to a fad
Yeah old school, I well know when I’ve been had.

You know, I’m old school, like girls in low rider jeans
Old school, with tiny tight tank top tees
Sometimes older is best
Glad I got that off my chest
Yea old school, but never have time for a rest.

You know, I’m old school, my cycles all start with kick
Old school, the handiest weapon’s a brick
My best business suit is blue jeans
I don’t know what ebitda means
Yeah old school ripe is better than green.

You know, I’m old school, I wear a ten gallon hat
Old school, my fave critter is a bob cat
I got all my real teeth
I’m wild boy underneath
Yeah old school my bowie I keep in a sheath

You know, I’m old school, save my life can’t sew  button
Old school, Like Jerry I really hate mutton
I don't build kits I just make
For little red squirrels I brake
Yea old school, I know what’s real and what’s fake

You know, I’m old school, My limousine is a truck
Old school, With rabbits foot there for luck
I shift just with three on the tree
Yep that’s Twentieth century me.
Yea old school, Buffalo’s better than beef

You know, I’m old school, my music is all  45’s
Old school. I know how to do the hand jive
My phone’s a rotary dial,
A good walk is 21 miles
Yea old school. Frowns slowly turn into smiles

You know, I’m old school, I get it right the first time
Old school. I prefer beer over wine
I light my stove with a match
Never got a cat’s fever from scratch
Yea old school I know that’s there always a catch

You know, I’m old school,  I like my ducks in a row
Old school. Think you can really smell snow
I  got my first dollar framed
I sure know life ain't a game
Yeah old school rather have money than fame.

You know I’m old school, don’t want what them that has got
Old school. Like women brainy and hot
You know all politicians are bought
Mitch McConnell is really a snot
Yeah old school a penny now aint worth a thought

REFRAIN

And so through years and the tears and the fears

Wisdom arrives and it thrives and survives

China Sea

(For you I wrote this song
It took me all night long
Hope you won’t think it wrong
For me so forward be)

So what’s this all about
Oh I don’t need to shout
It’s just -- you’re pure lights out
As even blind eyes can see ]

You got me so enthralled
I’m walkin’ into walls
You’re like Niagara Falls
For  newlyweds to be?

So please come  wreck my train
Please drive me half insane
I sure will not complain
If there’s a you and me

‘Cos when you’re on mind
It’s like, there’s no stop signs
It‘s just like flying blind
Over vast China sea

In ancient Martin plane
Four giant engines main
Through storm clouds, winds and rain
Could be the end of me

It was like days of yore
Heard those round engines roar
How high my spirits soared
When you were close to me

Somehow how the fates conspired
You were my funeral pyre
Seven mile long high wire
And no net to catch me

Cos your sweet southern drawl
Could pierce a concrete wall
It had me so enthralled
Like nectar to a bee

You didn’t have to shout
Or wildly dance about
Cos you were pure lights out
As far as eyes could see

And I knew that safe and slow
Was not your way to go
Big charges set to blow
You to next century

Were you sweet reverie
Or final destiny
Or maybe never-be
I just don’t know

Cos that’s all in the past
Too soon we’ll be mere dust
It aint real  fair or just
Just some crazy rodeo.

I dream you’re up on stage
And quite the current rage
It’s the Victorian Age
Your petticoat I can see

You’re one heck of a muse
You make my screws come loose
I’m giddy as a goose
And pining like a tree

My sox roll up and down
Whenever you’re around
You’re like duck eider down
For a man about to freeze

I try hard as I can
I got a million plans
Grains of Sahara sands
To get you addicted to me

I wonder years from now
If you’ll recall this show
Oh - did stage lights just blow?
Well, I did hit upper C…

This was my very best shot
I gave it all I got
You love me now? -- or what?
Sure hope that it might be

REFRAIN

So in all our lifetimes
How we do wish for sunshine
But if you’re a tornado
Then, with smile I’ll go

And when your storm clears
You’ll see me way up there
A rainbow will follow
Where ever I will go.

A: Solvadi S-O-L-V-A-D-I Solvadi

Q:  Spell Price Gouge

A: Crimea River

Q. What did Putin say when Obama complained to him?

Double U Three (Feuling W3)

(SOUND TRACK)

(PHOTOS)

If I’m alive at all
Ain’t gonna drive no barge
Got a new steed installed
So go check out the garage

And as you lift  the door
Stop and savor what you see
Chromed steel, two wheels and a more
It’s a bike called Double U Three

(refrain)

• And if good looks can kill
• Better bet you’re in my will
• If its highway leads to hell
• Then what a way to go 

• And its got one-fifty steeds
• Way more than I really need
• But hey this kind of overkill
• Is de rigeur, ya know?

More motor ‘s lurkin’ there
Than any ‘cono car
Pretty girls all stop and stare
Cos it kinda sounds like war

Too big to start with kick
Thumb’s just the only way
Young dudes they all call it sick
Was “trick” back in the day

(refrain)

• And if good looks can kill
• Doan fret  you’re in my will
• If its highway leads to hell
• Then what a way to go 

• And its one-fifty steeds
• Way more than I really need
• But hey this kind of overkill
• Is de rigeur, ya know?

And there’s a space on back
For your sweet pretty …well
Sure ain't no mommy track
On the highway straight to hell

We’ll weave from dusk to dark
And cross those yellow lines
Hear those loud tri-pipes bark
And forget about stop signs

(refrain)

• And if good looks can kill
• Better bet  you’re in my will
• If its highway leads to hell
• Then what a way to go 

• And its one-fifty steeds
• Way more than I really need
• But hey this kind of overkill
• Is de rigeur, ya know?

Steam 'N' Steel

Dm7                       Dm7
I was born - age of steam and steel
F                             Bb                G (C)
Big locos had eight pair driving wheels
Dm7                       Dm7              
And they ran  sweet Kentucky coal
F                             Bb                Eb)                      
Shovel hard - faster you would roll
---------------------------

Flew left seat -Connie Super G
Yup, PIC – in 1953
Had four props, she’d fly good on three
High and safe over angry seas
---------------------------

Motorcy-Cle I called Black Bart
Built it up -- Hawg and Vincent parts
Monster mill - real hard to  kickstart
Not for weak Nor the faint of heart
---------------------------

And so now A new century
But I like the way things used to be
There was lead in gasoline
Rockets fueled by Hydrazine
---------------------------

No paddle shifts Just three on the tree
No cell nor text just dial rotary
Took pics on film that you would buy
No Photoshop to make them all lie.

REFRAIN
                Ab                Bb       C  

This is my anthem to ancient  gears          
                F                   Em        A

Lots of years blood sweat and tears
                  Bb        C

Cos the faster you go
                  G       

The more time slows
               A7      Dm7

Hey, Einstein said so

Instrumental break
Bb9 - C - Gm - Dm - F - Bb - C - Am - A7

COE

Now Big Henry had a factory
‘Longside River Rouge
Pumpin’ out trucks, strictly Country
As the red, white and blue

And my Uncle was a trucker
Workin’ here and there and far
One day cruised to a dealer
Cos he also needed car

But while slammin' doors around back
He stopped, looked up to see
An instant love attack --
A Big Henry COE

Now Unkie and his new rig
Became like a man and wife
Hauling loads both small and real big
Til the end of his long life.

So when his time was over
COE went out to seed
In a field of four-leaf clover
And Northern prairie weed

And it waited on them great plains
For its new time in the sun
Through years of snow and spring rains
For a man to make it run

Now Henry COE ‘s mine
And got some plans in store
Gonna drop in big round engine
From planes of Second War

And I’ll do my own flying
Just closer to the ground
All perty girls be sighing
When they hear its monster sound

In that big COE you ride
Far above door slammer fray
And you can see all country wide
With nothin in your way

And when my time is over
COE will still run strong
No more fields of clover
But a big safe dark dry barn

So now this tale is  over
One secret I confess
What does COE stand for
Leave that for you to guess

(REFRAIN)

My baby’s calling me
Climb in my COE
Highball cross county line
Make her place, in record time

I want her riding ‘gun
She is the only one
Dig more than my sweet ride
If she’s good, might let her drive...

Music ....

A: Richie Incognito

Q: Who probably now wishes he is...

A: Neighsayer

Q: What do you call a pessimistic horse?

A: Cat-atonic

Q: What's a psychotic feline use for fur dressing?

A: Don't bolt your dinner

Q: What did Mama Lightning warn hungry Junior?

A: Bone voyage

Q; Whats the trip of a lifetime for Fido?